Democratic Leaders Hold Conference on How to Talk to the Common Man

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Just like Dr. Doolittle talked to the animals, we Democrats have to talk to the common man!

Just like Dr. Doolittle talked to the animals, we Democrats have to talk to the common man!

Still reeling from the unexpected defeat of Hillary Clinton, Democratic leaders of the House and the Senate held a private retreat in West Virginia to learn how to talk to the common man, widely believed to be the reason they lost.

“We didn’t get our message across very well” said House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

Like all intelligent people I wish white people would just shut up. Haven’t they done enough damage? But telling undereducated white folk this just made them rebel and not vote for us. So we have to learn to talk to the undereducated rubes. It’s not fun. I feel dirty. Rural white folk disgust me. But a vote’s a vote.

To assist in their “white people talking” a booklet was printed up and the Democrats in attendance had to perform exercises to help them better talk to rural white folk.  Said Pelosi:

I’ve been told that many of these dirty, filthy, manual-laboring white folk are traditional and religious. We Democrats have to be comfortable talking about our faith to these people. Even though we Democrats have different sacraments than religious folk – I prostrate myself before the altar of socialism and abortion – the principle is the same. Except I’m not a superstitious, ignorant commoner.

With that, shrugging her shoulders as if to say “Here goes nothing” Pelosi began a practice address to white folk.

All powerful God of hell fire I ask thou to pour down your wrath upon the ignorant white folk gathered around me. Let them realize that God and the Democratic party are the same thing. May they know that if they do not vote Democrat they shall be shunned and their businesses taxed out of existence. I ask this all powerful, wrathful, vengeful God so that these white folk will come to know your power. Smite them that disobey the Democratic Party! Throw them into outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Next up was Pete Buttigieg, the openly gay mayor of South Bend, Indiana whose topic was binary marriage.

Hey white man. You believe in heterosexual marriage? Is that what you rural folks want? You want to stick your dick in a woman’s pussy? You are perverted. Despite my disgust at your actions I ask you to please vote Democrat so we can continue to protect your penis in vagina sexual activity. Rubes!

“I think I nailed that” said Buttigieg. “The binary vote is ours!”

The conference ended when all the attending Democrats joined hands and sang Kum ba yah.

“This is so exciting” said Steny Hoyer (D-MD).

“It’s just like Woodstock only I’m not having binary sex with a flower child. I miss binary sex.”

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