It’s been awhile since the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel had a horoscope.There are many reasons for this. But since I am drinking again I feel it’s time for the next horoscope. And seeing that protests against the President are once again fashionable I give you: The Protest Edition horoscope.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You will make efforts above and beyond the call of duty over the next few days so get those protest signs ready. Your immediate future is rosy and your long-term prospects are impressive. Just kidding. Video of you throwing a garbage can through a bank window will go viral and no none will hire you after that. But hey as long as mom and dad let you live in the basement who needs a job?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone you think of as a friend will try to mislead you today. But don’t be fooled. Throwing a garbage can through a window is a serious offense. I don’t care what the Aquarius thinks. So do not throw that garbage can. Wear a pussy hat instead. It’s cute and people will take you seriously
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You may be full of enthusiasm for something but if you come on too strong today you may scare away someone whose friendship could be important to you. So put down that garbage can, don’t kick in that car window and take that pussy hat off your head. Yeah I know I told the Pisces it was cute but I was lying. You look ridiculous.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
It may seem as if someone is going out of their way to make life difficult for you but chances are you are overreacting. All they really want to do is set your car on fire. But this is no reason not to be friendly. Compliment them on their pussy hat and remember you are misogynistic. racist hater.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Something has affected you deeply and you are struggling hard not to show it. Why? I’d get angry to if someone in a pussy hat threw a garbage can through your window. Everyone gets emotional occasionally so don’t deny what you feel. If you keep things bottled up inside there is a danger you might explode, not unlike that pipe bomb that went off down the block.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It would be nice if certain people would come round to your way of thinking but if they don’t consider rioting. But first print up some nice protest signs then break their windows and set their car on fire. Remember they are not as compassionate as you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
No horoscope for you. You’re not worth it. Leo’s are scum. I bet you don’t even own a pussy hat! In fact I’m going to throw a garbage can through your window. You hater!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Life is too short to waste time worrying about events that may never happen, so get over whatever is bothering you. You lost the damn election. Put that garbage can down, take off your pussy hat and get a job hippie.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Express yourself freely and creatively in everything you do. Block traffic! Wear a pussy hat! Carry large placards. Did I mention blocking traffic? Because that’s a winner and a sure fire way of influencing people and getting them to come over to your point of view. Oh hell if I see you in the street i’ll run you over punk.
Scorpio ( October 23 – November 21)
Avoid going to extremes over the next few days. By that I mean do not block traffic while carrying a placard and wearing a pussy hat. A Libra was just run over doing that! Boy these conservatives! All they care about is getting to work and paying their bills. Such haters!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You cannot afford to wait for people to catch up with your political beliefs. So get out there on the street and block some traffic! Break some windows! Set cars on fire. Don’t worry if you are all alone. What are the chances of someone running you over?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You suck. No one wants to be your friend. You have no personality and people just do not want to be around you. You will die alone. Unless you are sent to jail for throwing a garbage can through a window. Then you won’t die alone. You will die with your cell mate on top of you. (Your pussy hat must have turned him on.)