Your James Franco-Inspired “Hollywood Superstar Spirals Into Depression Following Trump Victory” Template

I'm spiraling into a deep emotional depression

I’m spiraling into a deep emotional depression

Noted Hollywood superstar James Franco recently admitted that he has had a tough time emotionally after Hillary Clinton’s loss in November.

“I’ve spiraled into a depression and I’ve been questioning everything that I am, and how I’ve been doing things” said the Oscar-nominated actor.

I certainly hate to see rich, privileged elite spiral into depression and want to find the root cause of such emotional distress. With that in mind it’s time for another one of my patented templates. (Do not try this at home. Remember I am a professional amateur blogger.)

Depression is serious. Many Hollywood actors suffer from depression.  Why?

  • Brilliant minds often fall victim to emotional distress
  • They have so much on their minds, what with trying to stop global warming and all
  • They are emotionally stunted narcissists
  • They spend thousands on cocaine every week yet still feel emotionally unfulfilled

What are the warning signs of depression in rich, privileged Hollywood assholes elite?

  • Their brilliant, erudite intellects begin to function on an ignorant “red-state” level
  • Increase in cocaine and/or meth use
  • Lack of interest in underage boys
  • Orgy on private yacht only seems slightly desirable

What can pull an actor out of a debilitating, spiraling depression?

  • Recognition from one’s peers
  • Increase in cocaine and/or meth use
  • Underage boys
  • Prescription “pain killers” such as Oxycodone. Granted it won’t end depression but when you’re high as a kite who gives a shit

I’ve told an actor that they are brilliant and given them free cocaine and/or meth but they are still depressed. What can I do?

  • Give them space. Sometimes brilliant, privileged elite just need to work out their issues
  • You  mentioned cocaine and/or meth. Try throwing in heroin as well
  • Put on a chauffeur’s uniform and let them f*ck you in the ass
  • Put on a chauffeur’s uniform and f*ck them in the ass

What can Americans do to end the scourge of depression in Hollywood?

  • Prayer always works
  • Stop voting Republican you stupid red state hicks! Don’t you realize how much that depresses Hollywood?
  • I mean come on! America doesn’t deserve its Hollywood elite. They are so much better than you mere laborers
  • Try putitng on a French maid uniform instead of a chauffeur’s uniform. After all they are actors and can play versatile roles

And there you have it, dear readers. Let us all join together and end the scourge of depression among rich, privileged Hollywood actors. It’s the least we common people can do.

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