This gun nut has been shot dead!

Yosemite Sam, known locally as “that darn rootinest tootinest hombre this side of the Pecos” was shot dead by agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms who were attempting to issue a warrant to search Sam’s premises for an alleged stockpile of weapons.

“Yosemite was a well-known gun nut” said ATF deputy director Thomas E. Brandon.

We had reports that he had a stockpile of guns in his domicile. While this is not in and of itself illegal we were worried about what these guns represented. And that was his dissatisfaction and distaste for morality as symbolized by the Federal government. The Federal government cannot abide with people who do not comply with its humane measures. Yosemite Sam did not comply and he was taken out.

Suspicions were first aroused regarding Yosemite Sam when a local politician visited his place and asked if she could view his guns to ascertain if they were safely locked and stored. Yosemite refused and called the councilwoman a “shark-livered varmint” and “shovel-nosed mackerel.”

Naturally Sam’s disrespect for an agent of the state did not go unnoticed.

“While Yosemite Sam was technically within his rights to refuse a search without a warrant, a moral person would have complied” said the agent in charge of the local ATF office.

We decided it was high time we showed Yosemite the power and might of the government. No one disrespects the Federal government. We don’t care if you hide behind the Constitution. So we planned a raid on his compound.  We got 20 agents and armed them with high powered rifle and flamethrowers. We also borrowed a few tanks from the military.

However Yosemite Sam got wind of the raid and barricaded himself inside his compound.  As the standoff dragged into its sixth week it was decided that aggressive action was necessary.

With their borrowed tanks leading the way the compound was entered.  Yosemite, like all gun nuts a coward at heart and fearing the might of the Federal government, attempted to flee on a horse.

Fortunately for the ATF, Yosemite Sam was not a skilled horseman.

We could see that he was in distress. He kept saying “Whoa! I say whoa horsey! When I say whoa I mean WHOA!”  This gave our snipers an opportunity to shoot him.  We had all 20 of our agents open fire at once.  Yosemite was cut down in the fusillade.  I mean literally cut down. I’ve never seen a man cut in two by bullet fire but it happened. We kept firing for over a half hour. I tell you there wasn’t much pulpy tissue left on his body. Just some bones. The most interesting thing is when we found his arms both his middle fingers were still extended. Naturally we had to cut the fingers off before civilians saw it. We don’t need any rallying cry for fellow anti-government pro-gun fanatics. Then we set his compound on fire. And shot his dog.

Once the fire was put out, agents were quick to proclaim victory and hand Yosemite Sam’s relatives the bill for the cleanup of the compound.

“A dangerous anti-government fanatic has been killed and peace has been restored” said an agent on the scene.

(176)

Dead!

Tragedy struck the superhero world today as Wonder Woman died in a crash of her invisible jet.

“I was out mowing my lawn” said a man who witnessed the crash.

And then I heard what sounded like an airplane engine. Then poof!  My neighbor’s house goes up in flames. I figure either Wonder Woman has crashed her invisible jet again or my neighbor was using a Samsung. Either way I barely escape the flames. F*cking Samsung. F*cking Wonder Woman. It’s getting to the point where an ordinary, tax-paying citizen can’t even mow his lawn. Yeah, I pay my taxes. Is that something these superhero elite do? 

This would mark Wonder Woman’s fourth crash of an invisible jet.

In truth the Federal Aviation Commission had long been concerned not only with the experimental technology of Wonder Woman’s invisible jet but with her flight skills.

“We had reservations about Wonder Woman” said FAA administrator Michael Huerta.

This invisible plane not only was using experimental invisible technology but it was a safety hazard in the skies. Being invisible to the eye and to radar no other planes could see it. We were worried about the possibility of a collision. It all depended on Wonder Woman’s piloting skills. And let me just say she was no Sully Sullenberger. She had no credentials. Never was in a simulator. She didn’t seem to care about flight safety or improving her skills. When we brought this up she dismiss us and say, “Relax boys. I fight for justice.”  When I complained to the President she told him I was being patriarchal and couldn’t handle a strong woman.

Meanwhile the National Transportation Safety Board was dispatched to the scene of the crash.

“Well first off we had to ascertain if it was indeed another crash of the f*cking invisible jet” said NTSB chairman Christopher Hart.

It was getting to the point where we had people on standby just for “Wonder Woman incidents” as we called them. It might have been a Samsung we didn’t know. But then one of our agents found a belt that could only be hers.

So ugly only a Chinese communist would wear it!

I mean no one else would wear something so ugly.. Unless it’s the Chinese communists that is. And we found a clavicle. It’s being tested for DNA now but we’re pretty sure it’s hers.

Chairman Hart is also concerned about the safety of his officers.

Jagged wreckage. Jagged invisible wreckage. Try wrapping your mind around that. That’s the shit my agents have to deal with. It’s dangerous. You know what? I hope that clavicle did belong to Wonder Woman. If she’s dead then my officers won’t have to worry about lacerations anymore. So screw her. Yeah, I’m not sorry she’s dead. And don’t give me any of that patriarchy can’t handle a strong woman crap. The bitch was a menace to the skies.

The reaction to Wonder Woman’s death was swift with the Justice League lowering their flags to half staff outside their Manhattan offices.

“She was the heart and soul of the team. I took inspiration from her courage and humanity” said a weeping Aquaman.

“Aquaman is such a wimp” countered Superman.

“All I care about is with her dead where am I going to get my p*ssy?”

(100)

This suit was not designed for those with irritable bowel syndrome

The famous caped crusader of Gotham City has announced that he will be taking a brief leave of absence from all crime fighting while he works on “some logistical crap” involving his bat suit.

“It’s a great bat suit” said Batman.

I mean Alfred really designed a good one.  It protects me from the bad guys and I look bitchin’ in it. Really. The ladies can’t resist a little Batman action when they see me sporting my suit. But it has certain practical problems.

Batman is referring to the fact that it often takes him a half hour or more to get in and out of his bat suit.

It’s all in one piece and the zipper isn’t conveniently located. So I often have Robin help me get into costume. He doesn’t mind. If anything he enjoys it a bit too much. But anyway the suit is difficult. And sometimes when the two of us are in Gotham waiting for a crime to happen we stop off at a fast food joint. I like to chow down on burgers, chicken wings, stuff like that. Plus a few big gulps. Well you can imagine what is going to happen to your body some time after all that.

It was after one incident in particular that Batman decided that a change was necessary.

Me and Robin, sorry, Robin and I, he always insists I use proper grammar, were chasing down a bad guy when I had to evacuate my bowels. I mean really evacuate. I have irritable bowel syndrome you see. So I had to stop and let the bad guy get away. The two of us found an alley and he was helping me out of my suit when I let loose. Let’s just say we didn’t get the suit off in time. I had to spend the rest of the day stewing in my own waste. Not fun.

Batman and Alfred have been hunkered down in the Batcave looking into alternative designs for his suit.

We considered double knit. It’s breathable. Easy to get into and take off. And most importantly tight. Very, very tight. For the chicks you know. But it didn’t offer enough protection in the field from the bad guys. So then we went really retro and I had Alfred design a suit of armor. Now that had advantages. It provided decent protection. But try driving a car in chain mail. The chain mail kept getting wrapped around the pedal. I almost crashed the bat mobile a couple times. My insurance rates are high enough as it is. So as it stands now there is no replacement bat suit. I’ve thought of fighting crime in a suit and tie and horn rimmed glasses. I mean it works for Superman. But apparently the bastard has the look copyrighted.

In the meantime while Batman gets his suit redesigned Robin will be fighting crime alone.

“I have total confidence in Robin” said Batman.

“Okay, that’s not true. He’ll probably end up getting killed. Stupid bitch. But hey, it means I can finally ask Cat Woman to move in with me.” 

(249)

ORGASM EQUALITY NOW!

Regular readers of Manhattan Infidel will know that Gwyneth Paltrow has graced our pages before. In fact she is one of our favorite targets. I mean subjects. Because Manhattan Infidel does not make things up. We are all about the facts.

And in keeping with our devotion to the facts here is our latest interview with the incredibly close to the common woman Gwyneth Paltrow.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Paltrow. It’s a pleasure to have you back gracing my blog.

GP: I fill the entire world with grace. That’s what I do.

MI: Right. Anyway what would you like to talk about? Hollywood?  Your acting career?

GP: Orgasm equality.

MI: Orgasm…..equality?

GP: There is an orgasm gap in the world that threatens our very existence.

MI: Threatens…..our….

GP: Yes. This orgasm gap continues with 91 percent of adult men but only 64 percent of adult women climaxing in their last sexual encounter. This is a human rights issue.

MI: Human…rights?  Okay but let’s talk about – 

GP: Don’t change the subject. I’m here as a prophet of orgasm equality. Did you last partner achieve orgasm?

MI: Well she’s a robot I bought in Japan so I don’t really care.

GP: You should. Robots have feelings. It’s science.

MI: Right.

GP: But back to orgasm inequality.  Manhattan Infidel I want you to look at my genitalia.

[Gwyneth Paltrow raises her skirt and spreads her legs, revealing her genitalia]

MI: Okay sure.

GP: Look closely at my female organs. They are normal aren’t they?

MI: Yes. Quite normal.

GP: Then why am I not climaxing more often?  I have a theory.

MI: Which is?

GP: The penis was not designed to please women.

MI: Um.

GP: Manhattan Infidel, please stand up and remove your pants.

MI: Okay.

[Manhattan Infidel stands up and removed his pants and underwear]

GP: I have designed a machine that will attach itself to the penis –

[She slaps it on Manhattan Infidel’s penis]

GP:–  and stretch the penis into a shape designed to please women. I call it the Vibrating Stretching Shredder Machine.

MI: What the hell. Is this safe?

GP: Totally. Now you will experience a vibrating, shredding sensation.

MI: I feel dizzy.

GP: Then lie down.

[Manhattan Infidel lies down]

GP: Now bring me to orgasm.

MI: I can’t stand up. I’m vibrating too much.

GP: Then I shall get on top of you.

[She gets on top of Manhattan Infidel]

MI: What the hell is happening?  

GP: Your penis is being stretched and reshaped.

MI: What?  I like my penis just the way it is.

GP: Well that’s because you represent the patriarchy. Now bring me to orgasm! YES! YES! I AM CLIMAXING!  I AM CLIMAXING! ORGASM EQUALITY!

[She climbs off Manhattan Infidel]

GP: You see. My vibrating, stretching device will bring women to orgasm every time.

MI: I feel weak.

GP: You’re losing a lot of blood.

MI: Oh god.

GP: This is just a prototype. The lab didn’t warn me about the blood loss. Here, I have some tissues in my purse.

[She hands Manhattan Infidel some tissues to mop up the blood]

GP: Bye. And thank you for doing your part to bring about orgasm equality.

[She leaves]

MI: This….this isn’t helping stop the blood loss. I think I’m losing consciousness.

[Manhattan Infidel passes out]

You know I don’t care how much my readers like Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m never inviting her back.

(148)