Malibu Declares Itself a Sanctuary City, Allowing Residents to Feel Good About Themselves

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We feel good about ourselves!

At the behest of well-to-do actor Martin Sheen, the well-to-do beachfront town of Malibu, California which is 91 percent white and has a median income of $120,000 declared itself a sanctuary city.

“This is important and we feel it was the only thing we could do in the face of white racism” said a white councilman.

We in Malibu care about three things: global warming, fighting the white man and providing social justice for our oppressed brown brothers. All of us in Malibu feel very strongly about protecting brown peoples, no matter where they come from. As long as it’s not Guatemala since Guatemalans make bad maids. So we had no choice really. We had to declare ourselves a sanctuary city. So now all brown peoples from wherever, excepting Guatemala and every other central American country, because gangs you know, are free to hide out in our great city without fear of deportation.

“My entire administration is about social justice” said Malibu’s mayor Lou La Monte.

Social justice and ensuring that the millionaires who live along the coastal strip have access to good, Hispanic maids. That’s why we banned Guatemalans years ago because they can’t clean for shit. But all other brown people are welcome in our inclusive, welcoming city. As long as they’re not from central America. Gangs you know. But the other brown people are more than welcome in our welcoming community of welcoming togetherness. I guess that leaves just Mexicans. But Mexicans are great. The women really know how to clean and the men ride the bicycles that deliver our Chinese takeout.

To commemorate Malibu’s status as a welcoming, inclusive sanctuary city, its City Council published the following guidelines for all brown people to follow:

  • Welcome brown peoples! Malibu is a sanctuary city and you will not be deported
  • Unless you are from Guatemala or the rest of central America (gangs you know)
  • Please make a good faith effort to deliver our Chinese takeout within 20 minutes of our order
  • Please stay off the beach. Many of our residents like their pristine ocean beachfront property and do not like seeing brown people cluttering up the view
  • No rapo el womeno! Comprende?
  • Yellow people are not welcome in Malibu (unless they own a Chinese restaurant).  If we see you in our city and find out you don’t own a restaurant we will deport you.  Look I know we said we were a sanctuary city but you Chinese threaten us. Your children do better in school while ours go off to college still at an 8th grade reading level
  • But other than that…..Welcome to our inclusive, welcoming city! America is a nation of immigrants but hopefully not immigrants from central America (gangs you know)

The reaction to Malibu’s sanctuary status has been positive among its Hispanic residents.

“Sanctuary is good” said one Hispanic delivery boy.

“I just wish they wouldn’t yell at me when I can’t bring their takeout to them within 20 minutes. And they should tip better. I have a wife and children to feed.”

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