Yosemite Sam, known locally as “that darn rootinest tootinest hombre this side of the Pecos” was shot dead by agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms who were attempting to issue a warrant to search Sam’s premises for an alleged stockpile of weapons.
“Yosemite was a well-known gun nut” said ATF deputy director Thomas E. Brandon.
We had reports that he had a stockpile of guns in his domicile. While this is not in and of itself illegal we were worried about what these guns represented. And that was his dissatisfaction and distaste for morality as symbolized by the Federal government. The Federal government cannot abide with people who do not comply with its humane measures. Yosemite Sam did not comply and he was taken out.
Suspicions were first aroused regarding Yosemite Sam when a local politician visited his place and asked if she could view his guns to ascertain if they were safely locked and stored. Yosemite refused and called the councilwoman a “shark-livered varmint” and “shovel-nosed mackerel.”
Naturally Sam’s disrespect for an agent of the state did not go unnoticed.
“While Yosemite Sam was technically within his rights to refuse a search without a warrant, a moral person would have complied” said the agent in charge of the local ATF office.
We decided it was high time we showed Yosemite the power and might of the government. No one disrespects the Federal government. We don’t care if you hide behind the Constitution. So we planned a raid on his compound. We got 20 agents and armed them with high powered rifle and flamethrowers. We also borrowed a few tanks from the military.
However Yosemite Sam got wind of the raid and barricaded himself inside his compound. As the standoff dragged into its sixth week it was decided that aggressive action was necessary.
With their borrowed tanks leading the way the compound was entered. Yosemite, like all gun nuts a coward at heart and fearing the might of the Federal government, attempted to flee on a horse.
Fortunately for the ATF, Yosemite Sam was not a skilled horseman.
We could see that he was in distress. He kept saying “Whoa! I say whoa horsey! When I say whoa I mean WHOA!” This gave our snipers an opportunity to shoot him. We had all 20 of our agents open fire at once. Yosemite was cut down in the fusillade. I mean literally cut down. I’ve never seen a man cut in two by bullet fire but it happened. We kept firing for over a half hour. I tell you there wasn’t much pulpy tissue left on his body. Just some bones. The most interesting thing is when we found his arms both his middle fingers were still extended. Naturally we had to cut the fingers off before civilians saw it. We don’t need any rallying cry for fellow anti-government pro-gun fanatics. Then we set his compound on fire. And shot his dog.
Once the fire was put out, agents were quick to proclaim victory and hand Yosemite Sam’s relatives the bill for the cleanup of the compound.
“A dangerous anti-government fanatic has been killed and peace has been restored” said an agent on the scene.