The Scoops of Rachel Maddow!

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I have the truth!

By now many are aware of Rachel Maddow’s scoop where she brought out Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return and showed the world that he paid 25 percent that year. What most don’t know is that Maddow has a long history of such scoops.

As a benefit to my readers I now give you  The Scoops of Rachel Maddow™.

October 2008:  The John McCain Scoop

With her new MSNBC show less than a month old Maddow teased that she would have a “major scoop” on her show. Audiences unfamiliar with her show tuned in to see what she might have. Finally at 9:27 pm she announces that “I have evidence that John McCain is a surly, crotchety old asshole!”  Audiences are not impressed as this is already well-known.

December 2009:  The Scooby Dooby Doo Scoop

Maddow begins her broadcast by reminiscing about her childhood. “Like many people I used to watch Scooby Dooby Doo and the Mystery Machine on Saturday mornings.” Maddow spends the first 50 minutes of her show discussing dogs with an animal psychologist before turning to the camera and saying “Scooby Dooby Doo is not real! He is a cartoon character!  A real dog would have no interest in solving ghost-related crimes.”

April 2010:  The Subway Foot Long Scoop

Maddow begins her show surrounded by Subway subs. Holding a tape measure in her hand she proceeds to measure all the subs before declaring that they are 11 inches. “I am a lesbian so normally size doesn’t matter to me but in this case it does! Can we continue to live in a world where foot longs are only 11 inches? I know I can’t.”

January 2012: The Paul is Not Dead Scoop

Declaring her show to be “politics only” Maddow then tells viewers that “nevertheless I must report on this pop culture event.  It is said Paul is dead. I’ve seen the cover of Abbey Road and the clues clearly point to his death. Yet I just bumped into him at the NBC commissary. PAUL IS NOT DEAD!”  Viewers greet this scoop with a yawn. Except for Yoko Ono who sues Paul.

October 2014:  The Liberace is Gay Scoop

Telling viewers that she is an “out, loud and proud lesbian who supports gay rights and hates those who are closeted” Maddow tells viewers that she is going to reveal a long-closeted but gay Hollywood icon. At 9:55, just before closing she tells the world that “Liberace is gay! There. I said it. Let the chips fall where they may.”

May 2016:  The Manhattan Infidel Will Never Make Money From His Blog Scoop (And This One Really Hurt)

In May of 2016 Maddow devoted her entire show to exposing the fact that the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel has never made a dime during the seven years he has been writing in his blog.  “No one ever contributes money. He’s poor. He will never be rich. His blog will never make him money.”  Audiences react by shrugging their shoulders and saying “Goddamn blogger! He had better stay away from my daughter!”

Yes. Rachel Maddow. Intrepid journalist and truth-seeker who only exposes the truth. Oh, and please hit up my tip jar. Or I’ll ask your daughter out.

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