This suit was not designed for those with irritable bowel syndrome

The famous caped crusader of Gotham City has announced that he will be taking a brief leave of absence from all crime fighting while he works on “some logistical crap” involving his bat suit.

“It’s a great bat suit” said Batman.

I mean Alfred really designed a good one.  It protects me from the bad guys and I look bitchin’ in it. Really. The ladies can’t resist a little Batman action when they see me sporting my suit. But it has certain practical problems.

Batman is referring to the fact that it often takes him a half hour or more to get in and out of his bat suit.

It’s all in one piece and the zipper isn’t conveniently located. So I often have Robin help me get into costume. He doesn’t mind. If anything he enjoys it a bit too much. But anyway the suit is difficult. And sometimes when the two of us are in Gotham waiting for a crime to happen we stop off at a fast food joint. I like to chow down on burgers, chicken wings, stuff like that. Plus a few big gulps. Well you can imagine what is going to happen to your body some time after all that.

It was after one incident in particular that Batman decided that a change was necessary.

Me and Robin, sorry, Robin and I, he always insists I use proper grammar, were chasing down a bad guy when I had to evacuate my bowels. I mean really evacuate. I have irritable bowel syndrome you see. So I had to stop and let the bad guy get away. The two of us found an alley and he was helping me out of my suit when I let loose. Let’s just say we didn’t get the suit off in time. I had to spend the rest of the day stewing in my own waste. Not fun.

Batman and Alfred have been hunkered down in the Batcave looking into alternative designs for his suit.

We considered double knit. It’s breathable. Easy to get into and take off. And most importantly tight. Very, very tight. For the chicks you know. But it didn’t offer enough protection in the field from the bad guys. So then we went really retro and I had Alfred design a suit of armor. Now that had advantages. It provided decent protection. But try driving a car in chain mail. The chain mail kept getting wrapped around the pedal. I almost crashed the bat mobile a couple times. My insurance rates are high enough as it is. So as it stands now there is no replacement bat suit. I’ve thought of fighting crime in a suit and tie and horn rimmed glasses. I mean it works for Superman. But apparently the bastard has the look copyrighted.

In the meantime while Batman gets his suit redesigned Robin will be fighting crime alone.

“I have total confidence in Robin” said Batman.

“Okay, that’s not true. He’ll probably end up getting killed. Stupid bitch. But hey, it means I can finally ask Cat Woman to move in with me.” 

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