Popular singer Bing Crosby was taken into custody today by the LAPD and questioned for several hours over reports that he was offering moonbeams to high school students.
“We’ve had our eye on Mr. Crosby for awhile now” said a detective.
Parents have been bombarding us with complaints that Crosby has been hanging around schools. When he sees a kid alone he approaches and asks them if they would like to “swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar?” Naturally our suspicions were aroused. I mean it’s bad enough that kids nowadays have few positive role models but here comes Crosby tempting our children. Who knows how many children he’s corrupted with his moonbeams? But we had to let him go. We had no solid evidence against him. This time. Though we are beefing up security around all schools.
One student, who shall remain anonymous to protect his identity, relates an encounter with Crosby.
I was walking home and a car pulls up along side me. The window rolls down and I see a man smoking a pipe lean his head out. He then asked me if I would like to “swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar? And be better off than you are? Or would you rather be a mule?” I didn’t know what to say? Naturally I would like to be better than I am. Self-improvement is a thing to strive for. But swinging on a star and carrying moonbeams home in a jar? My mother warned me against things like that. So I said I wasn’t interested. That’s when he told me that unless I tried moonbeams I would be fated to be a mule, which he said was an animal with long funny ears that kicks up at everything he hears and that while his back may be brawny his brain is weak and he’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak. I then dropped my books and ran away. I was scared!
According to the LAPD, this young man did the right thing.
He had no other choice but to run away. These pushers will stop at nothing. I’m just surprised that Crosby didn’t get out of the car and follow the kid. I mean swinging on a star? What the hell does that mean? Is it code for some sort of sexual activity? I wouldn’t doubt it with these Hollywood types. They are all a little funny if you ask me. And while we as of yet do not know what type of drug moonbeams are, we believe it is slang for LSD. And LSD is a dangerous drug. Almost as dangerous as tobacco. Crosby smokes a pipe so we know he’s immoral.
In the meantime as the LAPD keeps tabs on Crosby, the Mule Liberation Army (MLA) has issued a “Mule fatwa” on the singer.
“Our brains aren’t that weak” said a MLA commander.
“And we are not plain stupid with a stubborn streak. We will not stand by and let Crosby defame our species!’