Two con men in action!

Semi-talented, billionaire con man Bruce Springsteen admitted today that for years he has been cheating on his taxes and that he has a perfectly logical explanation:  “I’m a Democrat and can get away with it.”

I sat down with the semi-talented, semi-differentially abled star to address his stunning admission.

MI: Good afternoon Bruce.

BS: Would you like my autograph?

MI: No.

BS: Are you sure?  Are you absolutely sure? I’m Springsteen dammit

[Springsteen puts a hood on] 

Bruce Springsteen wearing a hood

MI: Please take the hood off.

BS: But I’m Springsteen dammit.

MI: Take the hood off.

[Springsteen removes hood] 

Bruce Springsteen not wearing a hood

MI: Somehow I liked you better with your hood on.  Now let’s talk about taxes. You own a 200-acre farm in New Jersey. But because technically you “farm” on that property since you grow potatoes your tax bill is reduced from $138,000 to $4,600 dollars. Because you say you are a farmer, you prevent New Jersey from redistributing your income.

BS: First let me say that I believe in the glory of socialism. What has been done in Venezuela should be a model to us all. I was down there recently reveling in it. 

MI: What did you see?

BS: Lots of empty shelves in supermarkets and a shortage of food. But that’s a feature of socialism. It prevents the proletariat from gaining too much weight. It shows how benevolent a socialist government can be.

MI: What else did you see.

BS: Rioting. Lots of rioting.

MI: Why were they rioting?

BS: They were expressing displeasure with the Trump administration.

MI: I see. Not because Venezuela’s economy is shattered and food is scarce? Is that another feature of socialism.

BS: No. Definitely not. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.

MI: And this is the economic system you want to bring to America? Why do you think it failed in Venezuela but would succeed in the United States?

BS: The wrong people were in charge in Venezuela. Brown peoples lack the necessary scientific expertise of white people to make socialism work. Can I put my hood back on?

MI: Yes, please.

[Springsteen puts his hood on]  

Bruce Springsteen in another hood

MI: Now back to your tax situation. You say you believe in socialism but you have consistently tried to lower your taxes. If you believe in redistribution of income I would think you’d want to pay as much taxes as possible to bring about the socialist workers’ paradise.

BS: First off let me say that I believe in socialism. And I will do whatever it takes to help a Democratic president bring it about. From my 200 acre farm I will send out videos asking the middle class to pay more taxes. 

MI: But that brings me back to my original point. Why aren’t you paying more taxes?

BS: Because it wouldn’t be fair. As a Democrat I am naturally smarter and better equipped to bring about socialism. And the masses need someone to admire. They can’t admire me if I’m living a meager hand-to-mouth existence. You see, not paying taxes is compassionate. For me. Besides, there are plenty of rich Republicans who can pay more taxes. They deserve to be punished.

MI: Right. Well is there anything else you want to say to my readers before I wrap up this interview?

BS: I’m Springsteen dammit.

MI: Yes, we’ve already established that. Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with the disciple of socialism and paying one’s fair share of taxes. He’s Springsteen dammit and we aren’t.

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The horror! The horror!

In shocking news that horrified the elite throughout the civilized western world, thousands of rich, privileged, young white millennials, after shelling out up to 20,000 dollars for a once in a lifetime concert experience in the Bahamas were forced to live in tents and eat cheese sandwiches.

“It was horrible” said one attendee who paid $40,000 for him and his girlfriend to attend.

I was promised the experience of a lifetime where my girlfriend and I would live in luxury accommodations and walk on the beach hobnobbing with supermodels and movers and shakers. This is something I deserve. I mean college is very stressful, what with tests and restricting free speech of those I don’t agree with. So I needed to relax. I saw the ad online so I called my dad and said “You’re paying 40,000 a semester for me what’s an extra 20,000 for a weekend on the beach?” He agreed and bought me the tickets. 

However after the couple arrived they soon found that the experience was less than they hoped for.

There was no concierge service. How are they going to satisfy all my demands without a concierge? I have a personal concierge in college but my dad wouldn’t pay for his ticket. No concierge! And the private, luxury accommodations? It was just a tent. Now I wouldn’t have minded a tent if their were luxury accommodations inside. And security to guard us but it was just a tent with a sleeping bag. No security. The locals were wandering around taking wallets. I won’t call it stealing. I voted for Bernie so I know all about socialism and I am honored that in my small way I was able to redistribute my income.

But the worst was still to come. Promised a “unique, catered dining experience” the unhappy concert goers were instead given cheese sandwiches.

What the hell?  A cheese sandwich in Styrofoam? First off Styrofoam is murder! But a cheese sandwich? I felt so non-elite. If I wanted to eat a cheese sandwich I’d get a job as a laborer. Fortunately my $450 dollar jeans are pre-muddied so I look like an authentic working class person.

Soon his girlfriend descended into madness.

She’s a gender studies major with a minor in lesbian poetry so I know she’s intelligent. But I guess it was too much for her. She wouldn’t even touch her cheese sandwich. Instead she curled up in a fetal position and started muttering “The horror. The horror!  I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving.” I tried to help her but she was too far gone. I had to leave her behind when I made my escape off the island. The last thing she said to me was “But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. Horror… Horror has a face… and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared.” Clearly she had gone insane.

As his plane took off for the return trip to America he contemplated his experience.

“I’m one of the elite and I was treated like a commoner. What’s this world coming to when those who naturally are better are forced to rough it? Now I know how the Jews felt in the concentration camps. Even though it was their own fault. You know, for kicking the Palestinians off their land.”

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Never again will these two protect civilians in Empire City!

Intrepid local crime fighters Courageous Cat and his sidekick Minute Mouse were killed today by their arch-nemesis Chauncey Frog.

“It happened so fast” said an eye witness.

Courageous and his life partner Minute Mouse had just stepped out of the Cat Mobile when Chauncey Frog approached holding a vacuum cleaner. He turned it on and when that happened Courageous Cat freaked out. He just freaked out and started hissing and meowing. Minute Mouse tried to calm him down but to no avail.

As Courageous cat lost his cool Chauncey the Frog (pictured here)

Criminal mastermind and cat killer

continued to taunt him with the vacuum cleaner.  “Yeah, look at the intrepid crime fighter now. Frightened by a vacuum cleaner. Yeah. Frightened!” he kept saying.

Oddly enough witnesses report that Chauncey the Frog sounded just like Edward G. Robinson.

“I closed my eyes and damn if he didn’t sound like him” said another witness.

So I approached him and asked him if he liked to eat soylent green. That’s when he yelled at me to leave him alone, he was busy finalizing his master plan to bring down his arch enemies. So I left him alone.  Besides I wanted to watch.  Lots of people in Empire City do not like Courageous Cat or Minute Mouse. Punks. So high and mighty and self-righteous and all that family values shit. But everyone knew they were lovers.

As Courageous Cat ran back to the Cat Mobile and continued hissing Chauncey Frog began part two of his master plan to kill them both. He brought forth an elephant that had been laid off from Ringling Brothers and showed him Minute Mouse.

The elephant reared up and stomped Minute Mouse to death.

“The bro just stomped on him” according to a tourist who happened upon the scene.

It was awesome! I mean Minute Mouse didn’t have a chance. He didn’t even have time to let out a scream it was so quick. All that was left was some pulpy tissue. It splattered all over the place. I got some in my eye. It looked like a piece of intestine. Now I think my eye is infected. I’m talking to my lawyer. I think I have a lawsuit.

Still hovering in the Cat Mobile and distracted by the vaccum cleaner Courageous Cat didn’t notice the elephant, who after squishing Minute Mouse to death attacked the Cat Mobile, wrapping it around his trunk and throwing it down the block.

Courageous Cat was thrown from the vehicle, hitting a traffic light which beheaded him. His head ended up a block away from his torso, the intervening ground filled with entrails.

His master plan accomplished, Chauncey Frog took out a cigar and started puffing away.

“I haven’t been this happy since I started taking Super Beta Max and my stream got stronger” he told those standing nearby.

Empire City police have no plans to charge Chauncey Frog with any crime.

“Being in possession of a vacuum cleaner and an elephant is not against the law. Besides, we also hated Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse” said Empire City’s police chief.

(720)

I worry about stuff because I’m compassionate!

Actress Jessica Chastain has said in a recent interview that she fears for the sanity of America with Donald Trump as President.

“Once society reflects the values of the president this will happen” said the actress, who was standing on the street corner hoping to be recognized.

I know this for a fact. I took a course in sociology at community college so I know what I am talking about.  Good people will become insane. Do you know what I mean. I believe energy is contagious. This is my core belief. That and using 100-watt lightbulbs causes sea levels to rise. Or was it high-flush toilets cause sea levels to rise? I can’t remember offhand. Perhaps it’s both.

Still standing on a street corner and still not being recognized by anyone, the slightly famous, her name is almost on the tip of one’s tongue actress warmed to her theories.

People are taking their freedoms for granted, young people who are asleep in terms of women’s health care and female reproductive freedom. I hope they are waking up. I’m absolutely worried that if we don’t support Planned Parenthood poor women won’t be able to afford abortions. And poor children cause sea levels to rise so we have to stop poor women from giving birth to poor children. Rich women like me giving birth doesn’t cause sea levels to rise since I can always buy some carbon credits. Poor women can’t do that. That’s why we have to abort their children. So these three, 100-watt lightbulbs, high-flush toilets and poor children cause sea levels to rise. And I don’t want sea levels to rise because I don’t want a bunch of drowned poor babies who couldn’t afford flotation devices littering my beachfront property.

The still unrecognized by the crowd semi-famous actress then removed her blouse and bra and wrote “Hi I’m Jessica Chastain” in magic marker across her chest.

Sexism is a bad thing. I’m not sure if sexism causes sea levels to rise but it wouldn’t surprise me. I have personally experienced plenty of sexism in Hollywood. The casting couch does exist. I remember once as I was naked on the couch and was servicing about six different producers thinking to myself, “This is sexism. This is wrong.” And that’s why I didn’t swallow. I reserve swallowing for Democrats who believe that 100-watt lightbulbs, high-flush toilets and poor babies cause sea levels to rise. It’s a pleasure servicing fellow Democrats who believe like I do.

The not quite recognized not quite famous actress then allowed passerby to touch her breasts, but only if they believed in climate change caused by 100-watt lightbulbs, high-flush toilets and excess poor babies who haven’t been aborted.

Remember, I’m Jessica Chastain and touching my breasts does not cause global warming like 100-watt lightbulbs, high-flush toilets and tons of dead poor babies littering my private beach.

The unrecognized actress then put her bra and blouse back on before stepping into a puddle.

“Oh my god! Look at this water in the street! Don’t tell me sea levels aren’t rising!”

(135)

The horror! The horror!

Caitlyn Jenner has announced plans to horrify the entire world with a full frontal nude photo shoot showing off her surgically transformed body.

“The surgery was a success and I want everyone to see” she told reporters.

I feel very, very excited that people will be looking at me naked. When I was first approached to pose nude I leaped at the chance. I find it very exciting that people will be looking at me naked. People will be looking at my new female genitalia. All of me. Every bit of my 70 year old body from my head to my toes will be naked. I can’t wait until the pictures are released.

Indeed the photo shoot has already taken place and I had the opportunity to sit down with the photographer.

MI: How did you get this photo shoot?

Photographer:We drew straws. I lost. I also have the strongest stomach so I guess it was always going to be me.

MI: How did the session go?

Photographer: Caitlyn showed up and took off all her clothes. She seemed quite eager for all of us to see her naked. Then she laid down and spread her legs. I heard a creaking noise and asked what it was. 

MI: What was it?

Photographer: She looked at me and said, “Relax. That’s just my surgically inverted penis that is my new vagina. It has no natural lubrication so it’s very dry. Seriously it’s drier than the Sahara and that sometimes causes painful intercourse.” She then asked me to use a dropper to lubricate her. “Just a few drops. Just stick it right in and lube it up.”

Note: As a service to my readers I have included an artist’s representation of lubrication being applied to Caitlyn Jenner’s vagina. 

An artist’s representation of Caitlyn Jenner’s surgically inverted penis being lubricated

Photographer: I mean. Just the thought. Oh god I’m going to be sick.

MI: There’s a bucket over there.

[The photographer runs to the bucket and spends the next five minutes vomiting]

MI: Feel better?

Photographer: No. I will never feel better again. Can I hold onto the bucket?

MI: Sure. So what happened next?

Photographer: I took photos of her naked body. Her 70-year old naked body and her surgically inverted penis. Oh god, here I go again – 

[The photographer vomits into the bucket he is holding]

MI: How was Caitlyn during the shoot? Nervous?

Photographer: No. She was eager. She kept telling me how excited she will be to show everyone her surgically inverted penis.

MI:  So what’s next for you?

Photographer: I’m having my eyes removed. I can’t live any longer with what I’ve seen.

From Hollywood Caitlyn’s ex, Kris Jenner, has expressed dismay at the photo shoot.

“I don’t want strangers looking at my ex-husband’s vagina. Only I can do that. Isn’t anything sacred anymore?”

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