We are uniting to fight a common enemy!

Though better known as arch enemies who have fought each other many times, Godzilla and King Kong have teamed up to film a PSA warning about the dangers of cisgender bullying.

I recently sat down with the two to discus their joint venture.

MI: Good afternoon Godzilla and King Kong it’s a pleasure to be able to talk to both of you.

Godzilla: Thank you.

KK:  Hey, I noticed you said “Godzilla and King Kong.”  Why does he get top billing?

Godzilla:  Jesus let it rest just this once, man.

KK: I’m just saying. I’m the bigger star everyone knows it.

Godzilla: Oh why don’t you shove it up your – 

MI: Let’s talk about your PSA. The two of you are uniting to fight cisgender bullying. Why the PSA? Why now?

Godzilla:Well it’s a serious issue. We both felt we couldn’t keep silent any longer. Every day hundreds of thousands of gender fluid people around the globe are bullied by cisgenders. It’s the civil rights issue of our day.

MI: And you, King Kong?

KK: My agent said I should do this.

Godzilla:What my friend Kong means is that he is as concerned as I am about gender fluid people possibly committing suicide after being bullied by the cisgenders. And that’s wrong. It must stop.

KK: I can speak for myself asshole.

MI: So tell me, what was it like working together?  Usually the two of you are fighting each other.  Are you friends now?

Godzilla: We’ve always been friends. We were pitted against each other by outside forces.

KK: Whatever.

Godzilla: Finally I said to Kong, “Why are we fighting? This is exactly what the white man wants us to do.”

KK: Technically it was the Asian man.

Godzilla: No it was the white man. It’s always the white man. He is the devil. Nothing but cisgender bullies. And we want to put an end to that.

KK: I don’t even know what a cisgender is.

Godzilla: Have you looked between your legs?

KK: Hey, nothing wrong with what’s between my legs asshole. What’s between your legs?  Is it soft?

Godzilla: You see kids, that’s what cisgender bullying is. If you’ve been bullied by a cisgender please don’t keep it to yourself. Contact a civil rights worker and let them know.

MI: I thank you for your time. I had no idea cisgender bullying was so prevalent.

Godzilla: That’s why we’ve united for this PSA. We want to help. We are role models to kids, well I am anyway –

KK: Bite me

Godzilla: – and we want to use our influence to make the world a better place.

MI: Thank you.  And to my readers, keep an eye out for this PSA and its powerful message.

Godzilla:  It was a pleasure meeting with you Manhattan Infidel.

KK: I gotta fire my agent. Hey can someone give me a f*cking cigarette?

I don’t know about you but I got the distinct feeling that Kong’s heart wasn’t into it. He must be having financial problems. I hope they paid him well for the PSA.

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“What?  Trump fired Comey?  To hell with baseball! I’m outraged!” ~ Yankee manager Joe Girardi (Okay so he probably never said that but I’m sure ESPN wishes he did)

A cold May night in the Bronx

The Houston (pronounced, as all civilized people agree, Howston) Astros came to town for a four game set against the Yankees. This can only mean one thing:  Time for Dallas Keuchel to make the Yankees his personal bitch.

The Yankees started Michael “I get scared when people are on base” Pineda (3-2 3.27) and as stated the Howston Astros started the undefeated Dallas Keuchel (6-0 1.69).  The Yankees have never beaten Keuchel.

Howston scored (I refused to say “plated“) in the top of the first. A miscommunication between Didi Gregorius and Jacoby Ellsbury resulted in a double that should have been an out hit by Josh Reddick (pronounced Red-Dick). And as his wont after a man reaches base Michael Pineda collapsed quicker than Hillary Clinton at a 9/11 memorial. After Jose Altuve grounded out Carlos Correa hit a 2-0 pitch into the right field stands just short of the bleachers where I was sitting. 2-0 Howston after half an inning.

Howston scored again in the top of the fifth. Nori Aoki reached first on a fielder’s choice and then promptly stole second. George Springer then singled him home.  3-0 after 4 1/2

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the fifth. Jacoby “worth every bit of his bloated contract” Ellsbury reached first on a catcher’s interference scoring Chase Headley.  3-1 Howston after five innings.

And that’s the way it stayed until the bottom of the ninth when the Yankees scored one run and almost tied the game when Gary Sanchez singled, scoring Aaron Hicks. However Jacoby Ellsbury (Mr. Bloated Contract) made the final out of the game trying to score.

Final score:  Howston 3 Yankees 2

Notes on the game:

Fact: The Astros had two people named Carlos in the lineup and the Yankees had two people named Aaron in the lineup. (Hey, I didn’t say it was an interesting fact. Cut me some slack people I have bowel issues that make me irritable! You try blogging with an irritable bowel.)

The actors who played Hansen Brothers from Slap Shot were at the game. No other celebrities were at the game. Well, technically I was at the game and I am a world famous blogger.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “I dissent from the general proposition that the states are to be made dependent on the Federal government by any system of loans from Federal government to them…..If there is to be any dependence I prefer to see that dependence of the Federal government on the States, which was the original intent of the Constitution as I view it” did not fire up the crowd.  ‘Effin big government statists!

I usually do not buy beer while at Yankee games. But today I said “Why not?  Let me treat myself!” I then remembered why I never buy beer at the Stadium: Fifteen dollars for a 24-ounce can of Heineken.

The infamous fifteen dollar can of Heineken

It’s almost like the Yankees do not care about their fans and just want to milk us for every dollar. But I know that can’t be right.

Recommended reading material:

Rebels:  The Irish Rising of 1916 by Peter De Rosa.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “It is well known that since God raised fire and brimstone upon Sodom, cities have been the great marts of corruption.”

Hey, come on. I live in a city. And the only reason God raised fire and brimstone upon Sodom was because he was offended by Sodom’s anti-immigration policies.

C.H.E of hot, humid, fetid, filthy Florida writes, “I will try the best I can to get it up.”

Hey, that’s my line!

M.P.A. of treasonous, confederate-sympathizing Maryland writes, “At the South, our new republic will have no such elements of discord. Capital there owns all labor which, from its nature, so lowers the man as to make him unfit for society and self-government. Thus capital and labor, in our new republic will work in beautiful harmony; and it is thus that African slavery furnishes the only basis upon which republican government can be preserved.”

Um. What?

And so my record stands at 1-2 this year. My next game will be Monday May 22nd against the Kansas City Royals.

Go Yankees!

(154)

The EPA better not see this.

King Arthur, defeater of the Saxons and ruler of Britain, Ireland, Iceland, Norway and Gaul has been fined by the Environmental Protection Agency after allegedly pulling a sword from a stone.

“King Arthur, on or about the 1st of May, did damage to a pristine wetland environment” said the EPA administrator Scott Pruitt.

There was a sword in a rock. How that sword got there is irrelevant. It was part of the stone’s environment. King Arthur, by recklessly pulling the stone out damaged that environment. Already the EPA is getting reports of rain in England and rising seas levels. This may or may not be a direct result of the sword pulling. Bill Nye, our top climatologist, is convinced it is. And he’s a scientist you know. So until King Arthur returns the sword to its rightful place we shall fine him $50,000 per week. It gives us at the EPA no pleasure to do this. Okay, so that’s not entirely true. We live for shit like this. 

Many in Congress are also asking that the Sword of Excalibur be classified as an “assault sword.”

“This is no ordinary sword” said House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi.

I’ve heard that King Arthur uses this sword to blind his opponents. I don’t know much about swords but I don’t think this is normal. I believe this sword is a semi-automatic sword and contains a magazine and a clip. Like I said I don’t know much about swords but we cannot stand by while an Englishman with an assault sword threatens us. I’m Nancy Pelosi. At least that’s what my wristband says. They make me wear it just in case I get lost. Now what was I saying?  Something about an assault sword.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) has promised “swift retaliation” against King Arthur.

Bomb him. We must bomb England. We must drop as many bombs as possible on that country. I don’t care if King Arthur says he’s not a threat to the United States. Bomb him! Destroy the country! We just can’t sit by and watch Arthur kill civilians. We have to intervene, bomb them and kill them before he does. If only we had a Republican in the White House and not this Trump guy!

Late night comedian Stephen Colbert on his talk show denounced King Arthur in no uncertain terms.

The only thing you are good for King Arthur is to be the Irish King Diwrnach’s cock holster. I’m not afraid of you. The United States isn’t afraid of you.

King Arthur could not be reached for comment though his press secretary vows to fight the EPA’s fines.

“The sword of Excalibur is just an ordinary sword with magical properties but it is not a chemical weapon” he told reporters.

(127)

Trump has killed me

I must admit I had never heard of today’s guest before but my crack staff of crack addicted researchers insist she is a famous model or something. So without further interruption may I present Chrissy Teigen.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Teigen.

CT: Excuse me I am not a Miss. I am Mrs. Teigen. I am married to multiple Grammy-award winning artist John Legend.

MI: Then wouldn’t that make you Mrs. Legend?

CT: I don’t know. I was never good at math.

MI: Um, okay.  So what would you like to talk about?

CT: I suffer from crippling anxiety.

MI: I’m sorry to hear that. What brought this on?

CT: Donald f*cking Trump. 

MI: President Trump?

CT: Yes. I can barely function now knowing he is in the White House. I have crippling anxiety and need to go on more meds.  Donald Trump needs to pay for my meds. 

MI: The President is responsible for you being an emotional wreck?

CT: Yes. Just the other day I had a tooth shaved down because crippling anxiety makes me grind and rock my teeth on one side. I blame Trump. He has given me crippling anxiety.

MI: Yes I know you mentioned that.  Could it possibly be that – 

CT: It’s exhausting waking up every day knowing he is President. I can barely function anymore. I don’t have to tell you that being a model is stressful work. Not everyone can do it. Now when I go to a photo shoot and the photographer asks me to smile I grind my teeth down. It’s my  – 

MI: Crippling anxiety. Yes.

CT: My crippling anxiety is crippling me. When I walk the red carpet now I forget how to walk. My handlers have to whisper in my ear, “left foot now right foot now left foot now right foot.”  Do you see what crippling anxiety can do to a common working woman?  Sometimes my crippling anxiety cripples me so much I stay at home all day in my 4.5 million dollar one-bedroom apartment and stare out the window. I have crippling anxiety and it’s Donald Trump’s fault. My crippling anxiety is crippling me. 

MI: I see.

CT: My crippling anxiety has crippled me so crippingly that sometimes my husband, the multiple Grammy-award winning artist John Legend has to fly me to the Bahamas on board our private jet just so I can become uncrippled. I imagine many married working women have their husbands fly them to the Bahamas on their private jet as well.

[Pause]

CT: I imagine that is quite common. Wouldn’t you agree?

[Pause]

CT: Well?

MI: SHUT THE F*CK UP!

CT: What?

MI: Shut your f*cking piehole.

CT: Oh my god. You’re yelling at me.  A famous supermodel!  This is filling me with crippling anxiety. Where’s my phone? I have to call my husband, the multiple Grammy-award winning artist John Legend and inform him that I’m having a crippling anxiety attack and need to be flown down to the Bahamas to recover.

MI:  You don’t know the meaning of crippling anxiety. You want crippling anxiety honey? Try living my life. Try not knowing if you’re going to be able to pay the rent that month for your one-bedroom apartment.

CT: You have a one-bedroom? Did it cost 4.5 million too?

[Pause]

MI: This interview is over. Please leave.

CT: How?

MI: Take the damn subway.

CT: Is it a private subway?

MI: No it is not.

CT: I have to take the subway with other people? This will fill me with crippling anxiety.

Eventually I got her to leave but only by pretending I was calling the airport to get her private jet ready.  You know these rich people fill me with crippling anxiety sometimes.

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