This gender fluid person is an American patriot!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the American patriot, Corporal Mawell Klinger.

MI: Good afternoon you gender fluid American patriot!

CMK: Corporal Maxwell Klinger at your service.

MI: Tell me about yourself.

CMK:  I’m wearing a Warner bra. I like to play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother’s wedding gown.

MI: That is so beautiful and non-binary. So how many of you are in Army?

CMK: People from Toledo?

MI: I thought you were from Chicago?

CMK: No I only get my lingerie from Chicago.

MI: A good Democratic, non-binary town. No I meant how many people in the armed services that are like you?

CMK: Cross dressers?

MI: Please this is 2017. We don’t use such terms. We are “woked” now. You are gender fluid.

CMK: Gender what?

MI: Oh you poor, poor he/she. How you must have been oppressed by the closed mindset of the military. Well no more. I am proud of you. Proud of your gender struggle. Proud of your sexual ambiguity.

CMK: Hey pal watch your language. I’m all man.

MI: I see. You have been traumatized by the hetero culture of a deeply racist and misogynist America. 

CMK :What the hell? I’m just cross dressing to get a section 8. I want out of the army that’s all. 

MI: Oh. This is disappointing. I thought you were one of our brave he/shes who is transitioning to a female. You’re not going to have your penis sliced down the middle and inverted to create an artificial vagina?

CMK: Jesus dude, that’s just sick.

MI: So you’re binary?  You’re a binary, breeder male pretending to be gender fluid?

CMK: I guess so.

MI: You make me sick. You mock the struggle of the millions of gender fluid people in our armed services.  You mean to tell me you’re only pretending to be a woman? You’re not actually going to have a sex change?

CMK: I’m crazy but I’m not that crazy.

MI: Get out of my sight.  You make me sick. Sick!

CMK: Whatever.

MI: The hundreds of millions of brave, gender fluid transsexuals throughout our armed services shall prevail!

CMK: I’m out of here, dude.

MI: You make me sick you binary freak!

I apologize readers for losing my temper like that. It’s just transsexualism is the most important civil rights issue ever!  Ever!

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What does the LGBTQLIGIPBAESNBNCG community want?

Troubling signs of lack of unity have begun to appear in the Democratic Party’s much-coveted constituency of LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Non Binary, Non Cis Gender,Lactose Intolerant, Gluten Intolerant, Peanut Butter Allergy suffering, Esperanto Speaking) constituency with many members of the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES community beginning to argue among themselves and question common goals. Indeed some in the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES are even going so far as to ask if they should abandon the Democratic party altogether.

“As a gay, nonbinary, non cisgender peanut butter allergy person I question whether those who suffer from gluten intolerance know our struggle” said a speaker at the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES conference.

I became “woked” in college when I realized that my gluten intolerance was oppressing me. I felt pain. I could not do the things I went to college for: partying, doing drugs and sleeping with coeds. I withdrew but eventually I used my gluten intolerance as my badge of honor. Only the Democratic party and their lesbian, gay, transgender, queer, non binary and non cisgender allies welcomed me. Republicans? Those gluten eating bastards hated me. So I became a loyal Democrat. But now? Do those with peanut butter allergies really understand my struggle, which is real by the way. I call for the exclusion of those with peanut butter allergies from the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES alliance and that we be called the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIES alliance!

The proposal to break up the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES alliance, while controversial, was not without its supporters.  A prominent Esperanto speaker spoke next to give his support.

“Many of us in the queer Esperanto speaking community disdain peanut butter and have no use for it or those who eat it “ he said to applause.

I am queer. And I speak Esperanto. That is my identity. And while I try to be tolerant of other lifestyles I draw the line at peanut butter eaters. Allergies or no. What does peanut butter go on? Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And what does a peanut butter and jelly sandwich symbolize? It symbolizes white, ciscgender hetero oppression. It symbolizes alt-right nationalism and white supremacy. And I didn’t become a queer, Esperanto-speaking Democrat just so I could support America!

It was at this point that a queer transgender peanut butter allergy sufferer got up in his seat and accused the two previous speakers of “fomenting hatred and cisgenderism” and invited all conference attendees to “spread peanut butter on my dick and suck it!”

What happened next had to be reconstructed from the available surviving security footage but apparently the invitation to “spread peanut butter and suck it” was the flash point that started a brawl.

Queers got into fistfights with transgenders. Lesbians beat up bisexuals who then beat up gays. One pre-op transgender repeatedly punched himself in the groin while shouting “My genitalia does not define me!”  H/she was then beaten by a post-op transgender enraged by h/she’s external genitalia.

When the fight was over the fissure in the Democratic Party’s alliance became a fracture.

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) appealed for calm.

“Let us remember who the real enemy is – the orange one, Donald Trump!”

He was then beaten by a member of the orange, queer, transgender, lactose intolerant alliance.

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We must ban fire if we want to preserve our way of life.

With glaciers rapidly receding the Caveman Environmental Protection Agency (“CEPA“) has announced new regulations on fire, the recently discovered fuel source that has become popular.

“All we have to do is look out our caves and see the evidence” said the head of the CEPA.

Every day the glaciers retreat more and more. It’s almost at the point where we can’t be crushed by ice anymore. I don’t have to tell you that being crushed under the weight of advancing glaciers is a tradition we hold sacred. It also holds down population growth so our resources don’t become scarce. Our glaciers are disappearing and our way of life is being threatened. We see things we never have seen before like grass and flowers. Temperatures are rising. Some of us are getting sunburned. Sunburned!  What are we? Italian? We never had that problem when we had glaciers.

While there are many theories as to why the climate is changing all agree that the cavemen must in some way be responsible.

It is no coincidence that our climate started changing right after fire was discovered. Now no one is denying the many benefits of fire. It keeps us warm at night and being able to cook our meat is helping our teeth. But are these short-term benefits worth the destruction of our way of life? I say no. And every right-thinking caveman thinks the same way. 

To keep the Earth from warming and glaciers from becoming a thing of the past, fire will be strictly controlled by the CEPA.

Among the new regulations are limits on how long fire can be used and the intensity of the fire.

Cavemen who persist in using fire for more than 15 minutes will be fined. There will also be a limit on the number of sticks they can throw on their fire. We will also be encouraging our cavemen to use the planet’s resources responsibly. Cavemen who buy carbon credits will get their taxes reduced. By doing this we hope to save our rapidly warming planet.

In addition to the regulations on fire, the cult of the glacier will be encouraged by the State.

Every culture, to survive, needs a belief system. We have not been making the glacier gods happy with our conduct. From now on all cavemen shall offer cavemen sacrifices to the glaciers. We encourage our people to go out and get crushed in the ice.  If we do this the glaciers will be happy and stop retreating. The science is settled on this people!

Those who refuse to worship the State-sanctioned glacier cult shall be forced to leave Cro-magnon territory and move to less desirable neanderthal neighborhoods.

“Let’s see how long they like living there. They’ll come back begging to offer sacrifices.”

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Putin’s handiwork!

Stunned Congressional Democrats called today for an independent prosecutor after the sun set in the west.

“This is outrageous” said Maxine Waters (D-CA).

Why is the sun setting in the west?  Four days in a row I’ve seen the sun go down in the west. This is not normal. This is not natural. The sun should be able to set wherever it damn well pleases. This is Donald Trump’s fault. He and Putin are behind it. All green of skin… 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

“I’d like to thank my colleague Maxine Waters for her frank speech on the importance of dark suede” said Adam Schiff (D-CA).

For dark is the suede that mows like a harvest. Only we Democrats are brave enough to acknowledge this. There should be a Democrat now who has dark suede mowing the harvest. But a Republican is in the White House. Donald Trump stole our dark suede and now he is making the sun set in the west. We all know why he is doing this. His pal Putin wants to destabilize our dark suede that mows like a harvest by having the sun set in the west. I’m sure I don’t have to remind people that the Democrats are the party of science. And when we say the sun should not set in the west then the science is settled.

After Schiff finished speaking and the applause died down former Vice President Al Gore spoke of the dangers of dark suede in the hands of Republicans.

“Global warming is real” Gore challenged his audience.

And unless we take our dark suede that mows like a harvest and put it in a lock box where Republicans and their allies in Russia  cannot get to it sea levels will continue to rise. Our coastal cities will be destroyed. My good friend Leonardo DiCaprio has a mansion and a yacht on the coast. Do we want to endanger his lifestyle? Scientists agree with me. And dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

The independent prosecutor and well-known patriot Robert Mueller who is looking into possible Russian collusion in the 2016 election has reportedly agreed to expand his probe to include the sun setting in the west.

“Bob Mueller is a friend of mine” said MSNBC host Chris Mattthews.

And if you knew Mueller like I know Mueller you’d know that he will do anything, investigate anything, uncover anything to prove that the Russians are colluding to take away our dark suede that mows like a harvest.

Russian authorities in the Kremlin maintain that they are not responsible for the sun setting in the west.

But isn’t that what you’d expect these dark suede deniers to say?

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In here is evidence of Russian collusion

Special prosecutor Robert Mueller has announced that his probe into Russian interference in the 2016 US presidential election has expanded and he is now looking into evidence that God colluded with Russia during the creation of the universe.

“We have asked God for his correspondence and business dealings leading up to the Big Bang” announced Muller.

Anonymous sources close to the investigation say that Mueller has asked God three questions:

1. Was the Big Bang an attempt by Russia to influence the course of events?
2. Does God have secret business dealings with Russia?
3. Was there a quid pro quo? And if so, what

“God is a person of interest” stated Mueller.

God is spiritual. So are easterners. We know that Russians like to use incense, chanting and mystery in their liturgy. Could their divine liturgy be an attempt to curry favor with God? Were they returning a favor? If by answering their prayers was God colluding with Russia? No one knows at the moment. But it makes sense that we look into it.

Lawyers for God deny any collusion with Russia

“Our client God has contacts throughout the Earth” stated God’s team of lawyers.

He may have met privately with top Russian officials but this does not mean there was a special relationship. Nor does God feel it was necessary to disclose these contacts to American authorities. Frankly we feel the Americans have developed a fever of some sort and wish to blame God for a natural outcome.

On The View, co-host Joy Behar threw down the gauntlet and asked for God’s impeachment.

Everybody knows the Beatles are more popular than God. Every year the Beatles win the popular vote. Yet as I walk around this town I see so-called churches dedicated to the so-called God. This is not normal. This is not natural. There is only one way this could have happened. God cheats. Russia wants America to worship God because the worship of God makes a people weak. If only we had churches dedicated to the Beatles perhaps we’d once again be the leaders of the free world. I support Robert Mueller. God must be impeached!

Rumors are rampant that many of God’s close associates, such as Peter, James and John have met with Putin. Indeed John is said to have foretold the coming of Putin with the following passage:

Behold, he is coming amid the clouds, riding shirtless on a bear

and every eye will see him,

even those who pierced him.

All the peoples of the earth will lament him.

Yes. Amen

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the one who is shirtless riding on a bear and who was and who is to come, the almighty. shirtless killer of bears.

Until God complies with the subpoena all of God’s property in the United States will be turned over to Federal authorities.

“We’d rather not have to do this” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “But we must get to the bottom of any possible collusion.“

Perhaps in retaliation God has announced a “shitload of rain” for parts of Texas.

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