8 May 18

Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Daily Horoscope (The Moving Far, Far Away Edition)

Would you like to touch it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being a man of science this of course means two things:  I believe in global warming climate change and horoscopes are scientifically accurate. The science is settled on this.  So once again it’s time for your horoscope courtesy of the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™.

Taurus (April 23 – May 21)

There is no point in trying to keep your thoughts to yourself. Especially after your epic Twitter rant. I’m all for free speech but saying you are going to get an AR-15 and shoot up your office might worry some people. I suggest not going into work for a couple days. And getting a fake ID and sanding off your fingerprints. And moving the hell away.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

What you need to realize is not everyone shares your sense of humor. You may have thought bringing a gun to the office and telling everyone “Don’t worry. You’re not one of my intended targets” was funny but others didn’t. I suggest renting a van with a Taurus and getting the hell out of town.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)

Try to be a bit more outgoing. Everyone at work thinks your either a serial killer or likely to shoot up the office. Make an effort and convince your coworkers of your good intentions. And stop talking about your crawlspace. That just creeps people out.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)

You cannot expect everyone to come to the same conclusion as you over the next 48 hours. Facts are important. But so is interpretation. Sure you didn’t actually bring a gun to the office and “blow heads away” but you said you would.  Get in that van with the Taurus and Gemini and move far, far away.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)

Your confidence is so high at the moment that you won’t hesitate to let everyone in the office know that you could kill them all by shoving a towel down their throat and ripping it out, taking away their stomach lining. While confidence is sexy, forced anal penetration in jail isn’t.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

Jupiter is in the money position in your chart meaning you will come into money.  Oh who am I kidding. You’re going to shoot up your office.  Consider renting a van and moving far, far away before the Feds close in on you.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

You will be more inclined than usual to take risks. Still before shooting up your office have a fool proof escape plan. Be risky yet practical. Do you have any place you could hide out in far, far away?

Sagittarius  (November 23 – December 21)

The planets indicate you need to be a bit more secretive. Do not close out every email at work with “None of this matters anyway since I’m going to shoot all of you dead next week.” Go online and look into buying a kit to sand down your fingerprints. Also rent a van under another name and leave town.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Many of the people you interact with at work are scared shitless of you. You’re a Capricorn after all. No use trying to deny you want to shoot up your office. Hire a good lawyer and go for the temporary insanity defense. Also start going to church because juries are suspicious of defendants who find God after the crime.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

Jupiter in the career area of your chart means that younger people with less experience will be promoted over you. This will make you so angry you will shoot up the office, which is technically a crime. Not that the young shits didn’t deserve it.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

Trust your instincts. That Capricorn is planning on shooting up the office (aren’t they all the same these Capricorns!) And if he shoots up the office first he’ll steal your thunder. Be proactive. Go home on your lunch hour and get that gun! And then move far, far away.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Something you have tried to keep secret will become obvious to everyone in the office. No not the desire to shoot it up. You’ve been stealing everyone’s lunch from the refrigerator in the break room. God you are pathetic. I hope you are the first victim of the active shooter!

(16)

0 Comments
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
7 May 18

McGruff the Crime Dog Arrested!

McGruff after posting bail

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A series of public defecations that have left investigators baffled took a stunning turn when popular personality McGruff the Crime Dog was arrested after being caught in flagrante delicto defecating on a high school football field.

“We chased him down and eventually corned him” said an arresting officer.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. McGruff, one of our own, was squatting and pooping on the field. When he saw us he ran. Well first he licked his balls and then ran. Oh sure we could have arrested him when he was licking his balls but that’s a personal moment and all the male officers didn’t want to interfere. We’ve all been there. We gave him some time to finish licking himself –  professional courtesy you know – and then we chased him. We almost caught him when he stopped by a tree to pee. Well he was trying to pee anyway. Again we stopped the pursuit out of sympathy. Hey, we’re all middle aged men here and we understand about sudden urges, dribbling and weak streams. We’re human. If McGruff is having prostate issues that is none of our business.

After chasing the culprit and stopping six times as McGruff attempted to urinate the police finally corned him and slipped the handcuffs on.

McGruff is a colleague and it was a painful thing to put him in handcuffs. Granted not as painful as watching him stop at every tree trying to urinate but painful nevertheless. We put him in the squad car and drove to the station. The entire time he kept licking my face with his tongue and putting his paws on my shoulders. I think he was feeling contrite. Then he tried to urinate in the back of the cruiser. He seemed irritated and said “Nothing’s coming out man!”

Once at the precinct McGruff was booked and charged with 15 counts of littering, lewdness and public defecation.

I placed him in the cell. Poor guy was howling the entire time. I can only imagine the shame he must be feeling. But he’s still my friend so I went back after my shift was over and he was sitting on the toilet.  “McGruff’s been on the can for an hour and I can’t move my bowels. I need a stool softener. My poop is too damn wide!” Turns out he has a new girl and she’s been feeding him healthy which explains the change in his poop. He eventually had a bowel movement but it must have been painful. The entire precinct heard him screaming “Too damn wide! My anus is shredded!” I went into his cell to see if he was alright and he made me look at his poop. “It’s very wide and very brown. Is that normal?”  I didn’t know what to tell him frankly. I suggested he eat some cashews.

As for what brought the formerly honest McGruff to this low point there are many theories.

I think it was a midlife crisis myself. Others blame his woman for all that chicken she’s been cooking. Whatever the cause it just goes to show you that cops and women do not mix.

If convicted on all counts McGruff faces up to ten years in prison, though few expect him to be found guilty.

“No jury will convict him. Everybody sympathizes. Wide poops are a horrible thing to have to suffer through. I ought to know. After my last wife I had to have anal reconstructive surgery.”

(53)

0 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
4 May 18

Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Official Prince Harry Pickup Lines!

Our Ruler!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like most elite, liberal, progressive Americans I yearn to be ruled by the British Royal Family. Only then can I be assured that progressive, elite, well-bred people just like myself will exercise power and not simple filthy deplorables.

And with the Royal Wedding just days away (yes, Harry’s fiancee is colored but not entirely) I’d like to take this opportunity to present some of Prince Harry’s favorite pickup lines. (The lines are certified to work for gentlemen of leisure who are well-bred.)

  • Admit it. You’ve always been curious about red pubic hair

With this line Prince Harry firmly comes down on the side of an oppressed minority. In this case those born with the affliction of red hair I applaud Harry for his lack of prejudice. Can justice for Ronald McDonald be far behind?

Justice for Ronald!

  • You hate social injustice?  I hate primogeniture. We are such a match!

Primogeniture is perhaps the greatest crime in the history of humanity. Worse than even slavery, the Ku Klux Klan and that season of Dallas where Bobby was dead before he came back and was in the shower. I applaud Prince Harry for tying his carnal desires to elimination of primogeniture.

  • Cromwell, bitch!

Cromwell was a tyrant who eliminated the crown and attempted to rule England as a commonwealth. Obviously by eliminating the crown he was not elite. This pickup line seems to be telling young women that if they do not sleep with Harry the crown is in danger. A nice touch indeed!

  • You hate Fox News?  My mother was killed by the MSM!

Once again the politically adroit and savvy Prince is tying his carnal needs to a cause all elite, well-bred people can agree with: Hatred of Fox news and sympathy with his dead mother.  For God’s sake Elton John sang and cried at her funeral!

  • Does my castle have central heat? No. But don’t worry. If it gets too cold I’ll just have the butler throw another Saxon on the fire.

Saxons! Am I right or am I right? Disgusting deplorables. Let the Normans take all their land!

  • I’ve seen William and Kate naked!

Let’s face it. Who wants Harry anyway. He’s just a conduit to William and Kate. Might as well use that I say.

  • Have you ever slept with a man whose ancestors drove the Irish from their lands and forced them to live west of the Shannon River under penalty of death?

Okay maybe this one is a bit on the dodgy side. But if the Irish really wanted to live east of the Shannon they should have accepted Henry VIII as the leader of the Church.

And there you have it. Prince Harry’s favorite pick up lines. May they help my readers find well-bred partners for well-bred sex.

Deplorables need not apply.

(161)

1 Comment
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
3 May 18

British Board of Tourism Unveils Catchy New Slogan!

Are you in poor health? Let us kill you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hoping to cash in on the publicity surrounding the death of the child Alfie Evans at a Liverpool Hospital, the British Board of Tourism unveiled a new ad campaign with the catchy slogan:  “Britain: Come for the tea. Stay and watch us kill your child.”

“Let’s face it. Tourism has been down for years” said an executive with the National Tourism Board.

I mean the weather sucks. It’s always cold and raining. It’s like being in Seattle but without all the Starbucks. The trains don’t run. London is a third world shithole on par with Detroit. And if you do visit you’re likely to be a victim of an acid attack from a Muslim.  Plus soccer?  Come on. We only pretend to like it. It’s a profoundly boring game. Is it any wonder no one wants to come here anymore. That’s why this whole refusing to treat your child in the hospital and letting him die is so exciting for us. It’s a hook. An angle to get the tourists.

After an informal poll of all Tourist Board employees (women, transgendered and peoples of color only), killing children was the clear winner, beating out other contending slogans such as “Britain: Like Ireland but without all the annoying Catholics”, “Britain: Not as warm and sunny as Spain but still better than France” and “Britain: Like the Netherlands but cleaner.”

You’d be surprised how many parents have contacted us asking if they could bring their children to Britain to be killed. We are fielding requests from all over the world. While at the moment we cannot guarantee that your child will die in one of our hospitals we have replied to everyone to get back to us the moment you suspect your child is ill. And no force-feeding your kid kale until he vomits does not count.

Indeed so-called “death tourism” is catching on. After Great Britain announced its slogan Guatemala unveiled their new “Die violently as part of a gang initiation” slogan.

“We can’t let the Anglos take the initiative. We are cold and heartless too!” said a Guatemalan official.

Not wishing to be outdone North Dakota launched its “Come die of boredom” ad campaign.

“We have a lot of Scandinavians here. They are so boring you will welcome death” said North Dakota’s governor.

Despite criticism in some quarters of their new slogan, Britain’s Board of Tourism intends to keep the slogan and maintains that they really didn’t have a choice.

“We used to get a lot of tourism for the Royal Family. But nowadays if people want to see ill-tempered, inbred and not-too-intelligent people they can just stay at home and watch Jersey Shore marathons on TV.”

(117)

2 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
2 May 18

The Blog Posts of Joy Reid

Someone please watch my show. No seriously I’m on TV!

 

 

 

 

 

As the entire civilized world now knows(1) Joy Reid, one of the lower-rated cable hosts on low-rated MSNBC has come in for criticism from Social Justice Warriors(2) when it was revealed that a blog(3) she worked on over a decade ago contained homophobic statements(4). She claims her blog was hacked.

Being a fair and impartial man(5) I decided to read her old blog to judge for myself.  What follows are actual excerpts.(6)

Most straight men cringe at the sight of two men kissing.  Adult gay men tend to be attracted to very young, post-pubescent types.(7)

May 23, 2007

Can there be any doubt that Roger Moore was a much better James Bond than Sean Connery?(8)

July 23, 2008

History will show that James Buchanan was our greatest president ever.(9)

September 6, 2008

What the hell?  I’m black!  Okay but this doesn’t stop the fact that spiritually I am a white male (10)

December 25, 2008

I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving.

February 30, 2009 (11)

I believe that there is intelligent life on Mars. I believe I am part Martian. (12)

March 23, 2009

I believe our Constitution is a living, breathing document to be judged according to the times.  I also believe Post Raisin Bran is better than Kellogg’s Raisin Bran (13)

Footnotes:

(1) No one gives a shit. Seriously. No one gives a shit.

(2) Social Justice Warriors:  A nice name put to annoying nerds who cannot get laid.

(3) Bloggers. What scum!  Kill them all. Am I right?

(4) Homophobic statements:  A common-sense statement everyone secretly agrees with but is afraid to say so for fear of the annoying nerds who cannot get laid (see no.2).

(5) Show me your tits, please.

(6) Actual excerpts:  No actual excerpts were used in the making of this post.  I mean who the hell reads blogs?  Probably the same idiots who floss.

(7) See no. 4.

(8)  An obvious false statement. Everybody knows George Lazenby was the best James Bond.

(9) It’s time Buchanan got some respect. His top priority after the election of 1860 was avoiding civil war and bloodshed. It’s no coincidence that it wasn’t until Lincoln became President that the war started.

(10) Cognitive dissonance.

(11) There hasn’t been a February 30th for well over a decade. Evidence of hacking.

(12) See no. 10.  Perhaps Matt Damon is her spirit animal.

(13) Evidence of insanity perhaps. Who in their right mind prefers Post Rasin Bran over Kelloggs?

Having fairly and impartially (see no. 5) reviewed the available evidence I believe Joy Reid’s blog was hacked. Perhaps by Russians. Perhaps by the shadowy secret double agent known as the Lone Star Parson.

Let the reader decide.

(49)

4 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
1 May 18

Clintons Open Laundromat!

You got cash you want laundered?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

America’s sweethearts, Bill and Hillary Clinton, have announced a new joint venture: They will run a laundromat catering to their high-end friends.

“Everybody needs something laundered” said Bill Clinton.

Let’s say you have more than $47,100 lying around that you want to contribute to your favorite politician. Normally you would not be able to do that without violating campaign finance laws. And that just isn’t fair. Why shouldn’t rich people give as much money as they want to perpetuate the oligarchy? It seems only fair that non-deplorables help keep non-deplorables in power without having to worry about so-called finance laws. One day I was sitting at home with Hillary thinking about how we can help our powerful friends when the idea of a laundromat came to me. It’s so brilliant and simple. All my friends have to do is give Hillary and I lots of money and we will launder it for them.

“Money. It’s a gas” Hillary seconded.

Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash. New car caviar four star daydream think I’ll buy me a football team. Money. Well get back. I’m alright jack keep your hands off my stack!

As Mrs. Clinton stopped to sip from her flask Bill continued speaking.

What my lovely wife means to say is that Americans deserve to be ruled by high class sophisticated people like Hillary and I.

Hillary put her flask down to acknowledge her husband’s point.

High class. Just like Christina Aguilera’s boobies. 

High class boobies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. I wanted to bury my face between them and go to town. Because that’s what the high class oligarchy does.

At the mention of Christina Aguilera’s boobies former President Clinton smiled wistfully.

Those were some high class boobies. As you can see my wife and I share similar interests. But anyway back to our laundromat. If you have tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars lying around don’t let the FEC harsh your mellow. Give all your money to us. We will put it in our laudromat and your money will come out clean. No one will be the wiser. What the FEC doesn’t know won’t hurt it. So I urge all my friends from DC, Arkansas, New York and Lolita Island to give us their money. You’ll be helping yourself and more importantly helping Hillary and I keep the oligarchy in power.

Mrs. Clinton resumed drinking from her flask.

F*cking power, baby. Raw, naked merciless force! In the end it’s the only thing that matters in this world. That and Christina Aguilera’s boobies. As a 70 year old woman I love power. And boobies. And your money. Give us your money. Come to our laundromat and give us your money.

After Bill and Hillary finished speaking a middle aged Mexican woman carrying a laundry cart appeared.

“Disculpe, ¿es esto la lavandería automática? Tengo que lavar mi sensor de ropa.”

With that she was tackled by Secret Service agents and taken into custody.

The Clintons plan on opening a chain of their laundromats around the world. The next scheduled opening will be in Moscow.

“You have Money. We have uranium. Capish” said the former President.

(13)

0 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
30 Apr 18

Matt Lauer: Tom Brokaw Sexually Harassed Me!

Come back to my hotel room and I’ll tell you all about how I solved Watergate

 

 

 

 

 

 

NBC news was hit with another scandal this week as it was learned that Tom Brokaw has been accused of sexual harassment by none other than disgraced former NBC Today Show host Matt Lauer.

In a series of videotaped interviews that took place over a course of months, Lauer described how as a “young and inexperienced” reporter, new to the big time, he was the victim of Brokaw’s unwanted sexual advances.

“When I first came to NBC in the early 90s I was one of the youngest correspondents there” said Lauer.

We were in the Denver bureau, and there was a conference room. I’m standing there, and Tom Brokaw enters through the door and grabs me from behind and proceeds to tickle me up and down my waist.  Now I am used to a little manly horse play. Like the time I accidentally chopped off four of Al Roker’s toes playing “Catch the runaway slave” but I have never been tickled before. I didn’t know Brokaw other than to say hello in the hall. He was the most powerful man at the network, and I was the most junior person. There was a culture at NBC News, in my experience, where people who raise questions about misconduct get labeled as troublemakers. It can torpedo your career. I already knew that, so I didn’t want to make any trouble. Though every time he tickled me and stuck his tongue down my throat I felt humiliated. I felt the power imbalance in my soul.

Then there was the time Brokaw came to my hotel room. I felt powerless to say no. He could ruin my career. I went cold inside and started shaking. He walked past me and sat down on the sofa in my suite. He puts his arm on the back of the sofa.   Now I could feel myself trembling. As I stood there, I asked in a frustrated and scared tone, “What do you want from me?”

And he gave me a look of annoyance like he couldn’t believe I didn’t get it. He said, “An affair of more than passing affection.”  I started crying. If only I had been stronger to resist him. But I’m just a man. I’m weak and helpless.

The accusations have rocked NBC and the chairman of NBC News, Andy Lack, issued the following statement:

Dear Colleagues,

As you have all seen now in reports from last night, there are allegations against Tom Brokaw, made by a former Today show host, which Tom emphatically denies. Impeach Trump. As we’ve shown, we take allegations such as these very seriously, and act on them quickly and decisively when the facts dictate. Impeach Trump.

Once again, our highest priority is to ensure we have a workplace environment where everyone feels safe and protected. Impeach Trump. We are absolutely committed to making this a reality–there can be no exception. Impeach Trump. No seriously. What does a fellow have to do to get Trump impeached around here?

As Ever,
Andy

Brokaw for his part denies the allegations.

“I’m not even remotely attracted to Matt Lauer. Now Lester Holt on the other hand. Him I’d do seven ways to Sunday. I hope this brief message clears my name.“

(59)

0 Comments
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
27 Apr 18

Kate Blanchett Gets Penis Facial!

It’s good for my complexion

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When news first broke that Kate Blanchett and several other Hollywood stars including Sandra Bullock were getting so-called “penis facials” Americans naturally had questions.

  • Can anyone offer their sperm to Kate Blanchett?
  • Is the sperm regulated?
  • What about our strategic sperm reserves?

Given my duty as a blogger to report the facts I immediately hit the phones calling all my sources. I would get to the bottom of this story!

In short, anyone can give Kate Blanchett their sperm for now. As of this writing the U.S. Government has not stepped in to regulate the sperm market. However there are increasing calls to regulate sperm after reports of “bad or inferior quality” sperm  being distributed to the penis facial cleansing centers in Hollywood.

“The United States is known the world over for it’s superior quality sperm” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

American sperm is the most pure, the most potent in the world. Is it any wonder Kate Blanchett only gets her penis facials in Hollywood? I propose that a new Federal Department of Sperm be created. This department will be charged with overseeing the production, distribution and selling of sperm throughout our land. It will also keep a close watch on sperm-producing methods to ensure top quality sperm is always produced. We have received the reports of inferior sperm being distributed and I don’t have to tell you the panic that can cause.  Bad sperm. Mexican sperm. The Sperm of convicts. Irish sperm. These all degrade our supply and blacken the name of American sperm.

Part of the new Department of Sperm’s portfolio will be to safeguard America’s strategic sperm reserves, which in case of war may be the difference between victory and defeat.

The issue of America’s strategic sperm reserves became of particular importance after a convoy carrying sperm between reserve locations overturned on I-95, spilling its precious cargo.

“It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen” said a first responder.

As far as the eye could see a sticky, viscous substance was covering the road. My men went in bravely to assess the situation because as first responders that’s what we are trained to do. Fortunately we didn’t lose any men. And strangely enough we all came out of it with much better complexions.

Back in Hollywood, Blanchett, Bullock and many other actresses thanked the first responders for selfishly saving the sperm.

“I thank you. My complexion thanks you. All of America thanks you” said Blanchett.

“I worry about tainted sperm. Several times after getting a facial I’ve had an overwhelming urge to join a mariachi band. But thanks to the first responders I now know I will only be getting pure, American sperm.”

(169)

0 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
26 Apr 18

DNC Sues Adam!

Why doesn’t anyone take us seriously?

 

 

 

 

 

The Democratic National Committee today filed a lawsuit against the first man, Adam, claiming he “did willingly collude with the Devil to thwart human nature, directly leading to sin, the establishment of the Republican Party, collusion with Russia and the election of Donald Trump in 2016.”

“We are a serious party” said DNC chairman Tom Perez (pictured here).

DNC President Tom Perez

And this is a serious lawsuit.  We are seriously serious about making sure America never forgets about the 2016 election and how icky Donald Trump had prostitutes pee on him in a Russian hotel room. Personally I’m embarrassed to even talk about golden showers. I never have had one. Certainly not from prostitutes. In a hotel room. In Russia. I just am not into that sort of thing. I don’t care what the video tape shows. That’s not me. It’s my identical twin brother. But anyway back to my point. Adam colluded with the Devil to thwart human nature and make it prone to sin. This led to the birth of the Republican party, which as we all know is nothing but sinful. In turn the Republicans nominated icky Donald Trump who colluded with Russia to steal the election from Hillary Clinton, the most qualified candidate to run for President. Ever.

In a statement about the lawsuit Satan denied being responsible for Hillary Clinton’s loss.

“This is a sham lawsuit filed by a desperate, dysfunctional Democratic Party” said Satan (pictured here).

The face of Satan

Hell I was hoping Hillary would win! She is everything I believe is best for  humanity. She’s crooked, incompetent, banal and has a huge sense of entitlement. I could use all that to weaken humanity and sow discord. The Clinton Foundation? Man I respect that. Milking billions from foreign governments? Classic stuff. It makes my scam about global warming and polar bears drowning seem like child’s play in comparison. So no. There was no collusion. The only collusion was between me and her husband Bill on the Lolita express.

Despite Satan’s denial of collusion many legal experts believe the DNC’s lawsuit has merit.

“The DNC has every right to bring this lawsuit” said an anonymous Federal judge.

They are the aggrieved party. How else could Hillary lose to icky Donald Trump if not collusion? We already know the Republican party is sinful so why not start from the beginning and sue Adam? This is a smart move. The lawsuit will not be dismissed.

If the lawsuit is allowed to proceed it will perhaps be the most explosive lawsuit since Paul McCartney sued the other three Beatles, charging that they had colluded with Pete Best.

Adam could not  be reached about the lawsuit as he is currently undergoing extensive fig leaf rash therapy.

“Don’t get me started on how his genitals look” said his wife Eve.

“They look like burnt bacon wrapped in sauerkraut wrapped in pulled pork. Pulled pork that has exploded.  It’s not pretty. If I had known fig leaves can do that I would never have colluded with Russia.”

(111)

0 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
25 Apr 18

Manhattan Infidel Reviews David Hogg’s New Book!

Man when will my pubes descend?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the unstoppable journalistic juggernaut that is Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of reviewing the new gun control manifesto by America’s sweetheart, Stormy Daniels David Hogg.

I found the book to be an engaging, relatable read and I will now quote a few relevant sections.

“The Constitution of the United States was never meant to apply to modern people. It is old and dated and needs to be thrown out and replaced. Guns are everywhere and they are bad. It is time for the f*cking adults who have screwed up this country to stand aside and let the children lead. Those who will not let me lead shall be banished to the corn field.”

Page 25

“I’m really worried that I haven’t developed pubes yet. All the other boys in my class have pubes but I’m still smooth down there. And smoothness leads to chafing. And chafing leads to active shooters at high schools.  #pubesforpeace!  #guncontrolforthepubeless!”

Page 58

“So I went to the doctor and he told me that I haven’t gotten my pubes yet because my testicles have not fully descended into my ball sack. This is embarrassing. No one wants to go to the prom with a pubeless, testicles not fully descended into the ball sack freak. I blame the NRA. They are terrorists.”

Page 65

“I went to Hollywood today and had lunch with a lot of A listers who have been funding my efforts to overturn the bill of rights. Charlie Sheen even invited me to his house. He insisted on sleeping in the same bed with me. I don’t mind. It was fun. Kinda like camping. I just wish he would stop sticking his dick in my ass. Come on Charlie! Haven’t you ever heard of lube?”

Page 121

“I gave a big speech today in front of a huge crowd. Everyone was cheering. Especially when I called the NRA terrorists. Yet all the time I was speaking I could feel the uncomfortable chafing of my hairless pubes against my not fully descended into the ball sack testicles. This chafing is driving me crazy and making me very angry. Angry enough to get an AR-15 (a weapon of war by the way that no civilian needs) and go on a shooting spree. Charlie Sheen was waiting for me after the speech. Said he has something very important to tell me.”

Page 203

“Laura Ingraham is blonde. I like blondes. But I bet she only dates men who have pubes and whose testicles are fully descended. Life isn’t fair. So I called for a boycott of her sponsors. That will show her to ignore me! I will not be ignored! My hairless not fully descended testicles shall not be mocked! Fuck the NRA!”

Page 236

“I met with Charlie Sheen today. He says he is HIV positive and apologized for sticking his dick in my ass. We then made love. Our bodies glistening with sweat. Two men enjoying each other without shame or judgment. He looked me right in the eyes and said “I’m Charlie Sheen. I have tiger blood and I’m fucking your hairless not fully descended into the ball sack pubes.”  Um, my publisher says that last bit will probably not be in the final version of the book.  Too bad. I love Charlie Sheen. He understands me and my missing pubes.”

Page 253

I hear he is writing a sequel, “Mein Gun Control Kampf”

(43)

2 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by

« Older Posts

Newer Posts »

Manhattan Infidel is powered by WordPress using theme Tribune