Our Ruler!

Like most elite, liberal, progressive Americans I yearn to be ruled by the British Royal Family. Only then can I be assured that progressive, elite, well-bred people just like myself will exercise power and not simple filthy deplorables.

And with the Royal Wedding just days away (yes, Harry’s fiancee is colored but not entirely) I’d like to take this opportunity to present some of Prince Harry’s favorite pickup lines. (The lines are certified to work for gentlemen of leisure who are well-bred.)

• Admit it. You’ve always been curious about red pubic hair

With this line Prince Harry firmly comes down on the side of an oppressed minority. In this case those born with the affliction of red hair I applaud Harry for his lack of prejudice. Can justice for Ronald McDonald be far behind?

Justice for Ronald!

• You hate social injustice?  I hate primogeniture. We are such a match!

Primogeniture is perhaps the greatest crime in the history of humanity. Worse than even slavery, the Ku Klux Klan and that season of Dallas where Bobby was dead before he came back and was in the shower. I applaud Prince Harry for tying his carnal desires to elimination of primogeniture.

• Cromwell, bitch!

Cromwell was a tyrant who eliminated the crown and attempted to rule England as a commonwealth. Obviously by eliminating the crown he was not elite. This pickup line seems to be telling young women that if they do not sleep with Harry the crown is in danger. A nice touch indeed!

• You hate Fox News?  My mother was killed by the MSM!

Once again the politically adroit and savvy Prince is tying his carnal needs to a cause all elite, well-bred people can agree with: Hatred of Fox news and sympathy with his dead mother.  For God’s sake Elton John sang and cried at her funeral!

• Does my castle have central heat? No. But don’t worry. If it gets too cold I’ll just have the butler throw another Saxon on the fire.

Saxons! Am I right or am I right? Disgusting deplorables. Let the Normans take all their land!

• I’ve seen William and Kate naked!

Let’s face it. Who wants Harry anyway. He’s just a conduit to William and Kate. Might as well use that I say.

• Have you ever slept with a man whose ancestors drove the Irish from their lands and forced them to live west of the Shannon River under penalty of death?

Okay maybe this one is a bit on the dodgy side. But if the Irish really wanted to live east of the Shannon they should have accepted Henry VIII as the leader of the Church.

And there you have it. Prince Harry’s favorite pick up lines. May they help my readers find well-bred partners for well-bred sex.

Deplorables need not apply.

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