McGruff after posting bail

A series of public defecations that have left investigators baffled took a stunning turn when popular personality McGruff the Crime Dog was arrested after being caught in flagrante delicto defecating on a high school football field.

“We chased him down and eventually corned him” said an arresting officer.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. McGruff, one of our own, was squatting and pooping on the field. When he saw us he ran. Well first he licked his balls and then ran. Oh sure we could have arrested him when he was licking his balls but that’s a personal moment and all the male officers didn’t want to interfere. We’ve all been there. We gave him some time to finish licking himself –  professional courtesy you know – and then we chased him. We almost caught him when he stopped by a tree to pee. Well he was trying to pee anyway. Again we stopped the pursuit out of sympathy. Hey, we’re all middle aged men here and we understand about sudden urges, dribbling and weak streams. We’re human. If McGruff is having prostate issues that is none of our business.

After chasing the culprit and stopping six times as McGruff attempted to urinate the police finally corned him and slipped the handcuffs on.

McGruff is a colleague and it was a painful thing to put him in handcuffs. Granted not as painful as watching him stop at every tree trying to urinate but painful nevertheless. We put him in the squad car and drove to the station. The entire time he kept licking my face with his tongue and putting his paws on my shoulders. I think he was feeling contrite. Then he tried to urinate in the back of the cruiser. He seemed irritated and said “Nothing’s coming out man!”

Once at the precinct McGruff was booked and charged with 15 counts of littering, lewdness and public defecation.

I placed him in the cell. Poor guy was howling the entire time. I can only imagine the shame he must be feeling. But he’s still my friend so I went back after my shift was over and he was sitting on the toilet.  “McGruff’s been on the can for an hour and I can’t move my bowels. I need a stool softener. My poop is too damn wide!” Turns out he has a new girl and she’s been feeding him healthy which explains the change in his poop. He eventually had a bowel movement but it must have been painful. The entire precinct heard him screaming “Too damn wide! My anus is shredded!” I went into his cell to see if he was alright and he made me look at his poop. “It’s very wide and very brown. Is that normal?”  I didn’t know what to tell him frankly. I suggested he eat some cashews.

As for what brought the formerly honest McGruff to this low point there are many theories.

I think it was a midlife crisis myself. Others blame his woman for all that chicken she’s been cooking. Whatever the cause it just goes to show you that cops and women do not mix.

If convicted on all counts McGruff faces up to ten years in prison, though few expect him to be found guilty.

“No jury will convict him. Everybody sympathizes. Wide poops are a horrible thing to have to suffer through. I ought to know. After my last wife I had to have anal reconstructive surgery.”

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