Would you like to touch it?

Being a man of science this of course means two things:  I believe in global warming climate change and horoscopes are scientifically accurate. The science is settled on this.  So once again it’s time for your horoscope courtesy of the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™.

Taurus (April 23 – May 21)

There is no point in trying to keep your thoughts to yourself. Especially after your epic Twitter rant. I’m all for free speech but saying you are going to get an AR-15 and shoot up your office might worry some people. I suggest not going into work for a couple days. And getting a fake ID and sanding off your fingerprints. And moving the hell away.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

What you need to realize is not everyone shares your sense of humor. You may have thought bringing a gun to the office and telling everyone “Don’t worry. You’re not one of my intended targets” was funny but others didn’t. I suggest renting a van with a Taurus and getting the hell out of town.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)

Try to be a bit more outgoing. Everyone at work thinks your either a serial killer or likely to shoot up the office. Make an effort and convince your coworkers of your good intentions. And stop talking about your crawlspace. That just creeps people out.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)

You cannot expect everyone to come to the same conclusion as you over the next 48 hours. Facts are important. But so is interpretation. Sure you didn’t actually bring a gun to the office and “blow heads away” but you said you would.  Get in that van with the Taurus and Gemini and move far, far away.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)

Your confidence is so high at the moment that you won’t hesitate to let everyone in the office know that you could kill them all by shoving a towel down their throat and ripping it out, taking away their stomach lining. While confidence is sexy, forced anal penetration in jail isn’t.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

Jupiter is in the money position in your chart meaning you will come into money.  Oh who am I kidding. You’re going to shoot up your office.  Consider renting a van and moving far, far away before the Feds close in on you.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

You will be more inclined than usual to take risks. Still before shooting up your office have a fool proof escape plan. Be risky yet practical. Do you have any place you could hide out in far, far away?

Sagittarius  (November 23 – December 21)

The planets indicate you need to be a bit more secretive. Do not close out every email at work with “None of this matters anyway since I’m going to shoot all of you dead next week.” Go online and look into buying a kit to sand down your fingerprints. Also rent a van under another name and leave town.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Many of the people you interact with at work are scared shitless of you. You’re a Capricorn after all. No use trying to deny you want to shoot up your office. Hire a good lawyer and go for the temporary insanity defense. Also start going to church because juries are suspicious of defendants who find God after the crime.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

Jupiter in the career area of your chart means that younger people with less experience will be promoted over you. This will make you so angry you will shoot up the office, which is technically a crime. Not that the young shits didn’t deserve it.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

Trust your instincts. That Capricorn is planning on shooting up the office (aren’t they all the same these Capricorns!) And if he shoots up the office first he’ll steal your thunder. Be proactive. Go home on your lunch hour and get that gun! And then move far, far away.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Something you have tried to keep secret will become obvious to everyone in the office. No not the desire to shoot it up. You’ve been stealing everyone’s lunch from the refrigerator in the break room. God you are pathetic. I hope you are the first victim of the active shooter!

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