Kate Blanchett Gets Penis Facial!

It’s good for my complexion








When news first broke that Kate Blanchett and several other Hollywood stars including Sandra Bullock were getting so-called “penis facials” Americans naturally had questions.

  • Can anyone offer their sperm to Kate Blanchett?
  • Is the sperm regulated?
  • What about our strategic sperm reserves?

Given my duty as a blogger to report the facts I immediately hit the phones calling all my sources. I would get to the bottom of this story!

In short, anyone can give Kate Blanchett their sperm for now. As of this writing the U.S. Government has not stepped in to regulate the sperm market. However there are increasing calls to regulate sperm after reports of “bad or inferior quality” sperm  being distributed to the penis facial cleansing centers in Hollywood.

“The United States is known the world over for it’s superior quality sperm” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

American sperm is the most pure, the most potent in the world. Is it any wonder Kate Blanchett only gets her penis facials in Hollywood? I propose that a new Federal Department of Sperm be created. This department will be charged with overseeing the production, distribution and selling of sperm throughout our land. It will also keep a close watch on sperm-producing methods to ensure top quality sperm is always produced. We have received the reports of inferior sperm being distributed and I don’t have to tell you the panic that can cause.  Bad sperm. Mexican sperm. The Sperm of convicts. Irish sperm. These all degrade our supply and blacken the name of American sperm.

Part of the new Department of Sperm’s portfolio will be to safeguard America’s strategic sperm reserves, which in case of war may be the difference between victory and defeat.

The issue of America’s strategic sperm reserves became of particular importance after a convoy carrying sperm between reserve locations overturned on I-95, spilling its precious cargo.

“It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen” said a first responder.

As far as the eye could see a sticky, viscous substance was covering the road. My men went in bravely to assess the situation because as first responders that’s what we are trained to do. Fortunately we didn’t lose any men. And strangely enough we all came out of it with much better complexions.

Back in Hollywood, Blanchett, Bullock and many other actresses thanked the first responders for selfishly saving the sperm.

“I thank you. My complexion thanks you. All of America thanks you” said Blanchett.

“I worry about tainted sperm. Several times after getting a facial I’ve had an overwhelming urge to join a mariachi band. But thanks to the first responders I now know I will only be getting pure, American sperm.”


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