Tensions in the band have been rising for months

International singing sensation The Seven Dwarfs have announced that they are breaking up.

The group, who shot to fame with their smash hit “Heigh Ho” about the dreary life of working in a mine have said in a statement that “Personal, business and musical” differences have led to this decision and that they expect their assets to be distributed “Evenly and without bitterness.”

However despite the group’s optimism those behind the scenes say that long-simmering feuds and resentments may lead to years of lawsuits and mudslinging.

“Look what it all boils down to is that Grumpy and Happy can no longer stand to be in the same room together” said their long time publicist.

They are two profoundly different dwarfs with different personalities, abilities and musical tastes. Grumpy is more sarcastic and wanted to move the band into a more experimental direction. He also could not stand the song that made them famous. He used to always tell me “If I have to sing ‘Heigh Ho’ one more time I’ll pose nude for an album cover and get me a Japanese girlfriend.” He also has a very sharp tongue and can be very intimidating. I think he was bored with The Dwarfs and wanted out.  Happy on the other hand loved Heigh Ho and would sing it every chance he got.  He loved being a part of The Dwarfs and wanted the band to go on forever. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

In addition to the differences between Grumpy and Happy other members of The Dwarfs had begun to resent what they felt was Happy’s overbearing manner in the studio.

“Happy was always telling me how to play my damn guitar” said Bashful.

I resented that. I was their f*cking lead guitarist. I know how to play. Let me play. I didn’t need pretty boy Happy lecturing me on chord progression. Screw him. 

But perhaps the group could have survived all these conflicts if not for their business differences.

“Happy wanted to hire his father-in-law while Grumpy wanted to hire the guy we fired”  said a good friend of the band, Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones.

I mean I love Grumpy. Such an original talent. But he’s a little naive when it comes to business. We fired this guy because he was a crook and stole our songs. We don’t even own our own songs. Now Grumpy wants him to be their manager?  I tried to warn him but he wouldn’t listen to me. I blame his girlfriend Snow White. Bitch broke up a great band.

While many are hoping for a reunion, judging from Grumpy’s first post-Dwarf single called “Happy How Do You Sleep at Night”  that does not appear to be likely.

So Heigh Ho took you by surprise
You better see right through that mother’s eyes
Those freaks was right when they said you was dead
The one mistake you made was in your head

The Dwarf’s drummer Dopey is reported to be in Nashville cutting a country album, while the other three members, Doc, Sleepy and Dopey have announced that they will be opening for The Who on their summer tour.

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Totally not batshit crazy

Former Actress Rose McGowan took to the airwaves to complain about the treatment her androgynous gender-fluid z/she partner Rain Dove was accorded in a public bathroom.

“This is ridiculous” said the once hot and in-demand actress though I know I should not use the term actress as that is gender specific and we live in an enlightened gender-fluid world.

My partner Rain Dove is the most feminine gender-fluid z/she I have ever met. I fell in love with z/she at first site. How can anyone mistake z/she for a man? I mean come on!  Just look at z/she!

Also not batshit crazy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Z/she is totally a woman. Totally. Female in every respect. Except for her rippling biceps and forearms.  God I love watching her chop wood. She’s very strong. Yet also totally feminine in a non-binary fashion. Just like Michael J. Fox. This woman, I’m sorry I mean this z/she, is the love of my life. I don’t want a penis. I’m done with penises. And I’m not just saying that because producers stopped trying to sleep with me. When I’m lying next to Rain Dove in bed z/she’s the next best thing to having a man. If I were into binary beings that is. But Rain Dove, who is totally feminine, was assaulted in a ladies restroom by someone who thought she was swinging a dick. 

Still not batshit crazy and totally feminine and if you don’t think so you have a problem!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Though I don’t know how they could have come to that conclusion frankly. Z/she doesn’t have a dick. At least not yet. Rain Dove reserves the right to get one in the future. We don’t know where we’ll get one. I tried Dick’s Sporting Goods but, hello, no dicks. Talk about false advertising.

Because the totally feminine in a non-binary fashion Rain Dove was assaulted in a woman’s restroom, McGowan has petitioned her state assemblywoman to ban binary restrooms in California.

The way I see it is the problem isn’t that Rain Dove and I are obviously batshit insane 

Totally not a batshit insane couple

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

but that gender preconceptions in this deeply sexist society are holding us back. That is why we must have gender-fluid restrooms. Teenage and pre-teen girls might as well get used to seeing swinging dicks in restrooms. It will help their careers later on in life. At least that’s what Harvey Weinstein told me when he swung his dick in my face at an audition. He doesn’t do that anymore. Come to think of it it’s been about 20 years since any man has touched me. But I don’t need them. I have Rain Dove who is the next best think to having a dick but without all that toxic masculinity.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Michael J. Fox has been assaulted in a men’s restroom in Los Angeles.

“I don’t want ladies in the men’s restroom” said the attacker.

When informed that Michael J. Fox was indeed a man the attacker expressed remorse.

“Wow. Serves me right for having preconceived notions of gender identity. Boy do I have egg on my face.”

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We were never funny!

The reboot of Murphy Brown, the long-running and deeply unfunny sitcom from 30 years ago has been cancelled after only 13 episodes it has been revealed.

“Sadly our show has been cancelled” said one of the show’s producers.

I guess Americans were just too stupid to understand the witty humor we use on the show. That and they were all racists. These are troubling times. With Orange Man Bad in the White House using his alt-right racist white power message to attract the racist, uneducated, uncouth white voters in flyover country our show stood as an important bulwark of freedom. Our message of trusting the elite and letting the technocrats rule over those less educated was a shining beacon of hope. But as I said the public would rather do what they want instead of following our orders. At least that’s my theory. I mentioned it at the party I went to last night when i was deciding which teenage boy to sodomize. I hate America!

The star of Murphy Brown herself, Candice Bergen, confirmed the show’s cancellation in a message to fans.

“Right now I am ashamed to be an American” said the woman born into privilege and the daughter of Hollywood royalty, Edgar Bergen.

I have lived my entire life by the principles I learned in the 1960s: Question authority (unless they are Democrats), don’t trust anyone over 30 (unless they are Democrats), drop a lot of hallucinogenics (God is a bourgeois construct) and sleep with people you’ve never met before. Of course now that I’m in my seventies I’m finding that men in their twenties aren’t interested in having sex with me. I blame the patriarchy. But anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. Racist, patriarchal America didn’t watch our show. I can’t understand why. We were smug. We had jokes about Trump. We represented the spirit of the 1960s. We liked Hillary Clinton. We represented the resistance to Donald Trump and the racists who voted for him. We were preachy and deeply unfunny. Why wouldn’t people want to watch us?

All but one of the original cast of the show that was never funny to begin with signed up for the even worse reboot.  Robert Pastorelli, who played house painter Eldin Bernecky, died of a drug overdose in 2004.

“It’s just as well he wasn’t in the reboot” said Bergen.

This was a show about the brave elite fighting Donald Trump and his racism. To put a working class character into the mix would have just muddled our message of resistance and trusting the elite. You know that’s what’s wrong with America today. The working class doesn’t listen to us. They are too concerned with getting overtime and paying bills. Selfish of them really.

While the cast insists that the deeply unfunny reboot of the deeply unfunny sitcom from the 1980s and 1990s was cancelled because of Donald Trump many insist that the deeply unfunny reboot of the deeply unfunny sitcom was simply too deeply unfunny for anyone to watch.

“Watching the show was like having a hairy, greasy 400 pound man fart in your face. It was totally unnecessary” said one critic.

(20)

Okay so I admit it. I have no idea what you are thinking

Counselor Deanna Troi of the Starship Enterprise admitted today that she has no special powers of extra sensory perception and in fact cannot sense “ A goddamn thing. Never have been able to either.”

Troi’s admission is a stunning blow to Captain Picard, who had relied heavily on his ship’s counselor to gauge the mood of his crew during missions.

“Look a girl has to make a living” said the now-suspended Troi.

I never had good grades in school. Frankly when you look like me who needs them. So when I graduated I knew I’d have to find something to do. A friend of mine suggested I go into computers.  “Become an IT professional. It’s a good living” she said. She’s not my friend anymore. What sort of friend tells you to go into information technology? Fixing problems for ungrateful idiots, running around at their beck and call. Pretending you enjoy that shit and you like and respect your co-workers? Nah. Too much for me. I come from a family of grifters so I thought why not just come up with some sort of scam? That’s when I hit on the whole “I can sense what people are thinking” shit. It’s genius if I do say so myself. There is  no way to prove that I can’t sense what someone’s feeling. And if I’m wrong I blame it on interference or sun spots or some shit like that.

Once settled on the scam Troi bluffed her way into Star Fleet and was appointed to the Enterprise.

I couldn’t believe how easy it was to scam the crew. Part of my duty was to listen to them whine and whine and whine on my couch.  Easy shit. If it was a woman I’d tell them they have daddy issues. If it was a male crew member I told them that mommy issues were the root of their problems.

As a member of the Bridge crew Troi would often sit at Picard’s left and tell him what she thought of potential “away” missions.

Look you didn’t have to be Einstein to figure out that whenever the bald one 

What an idiot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

beamed crew members down to a molten lava planet I was supposed to jump up and say “Captain, I sense the crew is in danger.” Easy money.  Hey it’s not my fault Star Fleet appoints such idiots as captains. The Enterprise crew had the life expectancy of a keyboardist in the Grateful Dead. But hey, not my circus, not my monkey as they say. The only thing I was ever able to sense was that Commander Riker 

Very easy to sense what was on his mind

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

liked sex. And donuts. Sometimes at the same time. Don’t ask. I’m still trying to scrub that memory from my mind.

Despite being found out as a fraud, Troi remains defiant.

Screw it. I’m just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Some will win. Some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues. Oh the movie never ends it goes on and on and on.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Tragedy struck the Enterprise today after Captain Picard beamed his entire crew down to a molten lava planet.

“If only Counselor Troi was here. She could have warned me of the danger” he said.

(82)