Counselor Troi Admits She Can’t Sense a Goddamn Thing

Okay so I admit it. I have no idea what you are thinking









Counselor Deanna Troi of the Starship Enterprise admitted today that she has no special powers of extra sensory perception and in fact cannot sense “ A goddamn thing. Never have been able to either.”

Troi’s admission is a stunning blow to Captain Picard, who had relied heavily on his ship’s counselor to gauge the mood of his crew during missions.

“Look a girl has to make a living” said the now-suspended Troi.

I never had good grades in school. Frankly when you look like me who needs them. So when I graduated I knew I’d have to find something to do. A friend of mine suggested I go into computers.  “Become an IT professional. It’s a good living” she said. She’s not my friend anymore. What sort of friend tells you to go into information technology? Fixing problems for ungrateful idiots, running around at their beck and call. Pretending you enjoy that shit and you like and respect your co-workers? Nah. Too much for me. I come from a family of grifters so I thought why not just come up with some sort of scam? That’s when I hit on the whole “I can sense what people are thinking” shit. It’s genius if I do say so myself. There is  no way to prove that I can’t sense what someone’s feeling. And if I’m wrong I blame it on interference or sun spots or some shit like that.

Once settled on the scam Troi bluffed her way into Star Fleet and was appointed to the Enterprise.

I couldn’t believe how easy it was to scam the crew. Part of my duty was to listen to them whine and whine and whine on my couch.  Easy shit. If it was a woman I’d tell them they have daddy issues. If it was a male crew member I told them that mommy issues were the root of their problems.

As a member of the Bridge crew Troi would often sit at Picard’s left and tell him what she thought of potential “away” missions.

Look you didn’t have to be Einstein to figure out that whenever the bald one 

What an idiot








beamed crew members down to a molten lava planet I was supposed to jump up and say “Captain, I sense the crew is in danger.” Easy money.  Hey it’s not my fault Star Fleet appoints such idiots as captains. The Enterprise crew had the life expectancy of a keyboardist in the Grateful Dead. But hey, not my circus, not my monkey as they say. The only thing I was ever able to sense was that Commander Riker 

Very easy to sense what was on his mind









liked sex. And donuts. Sometimes at the same time. Don’t ask. I’m still trying to scrub that memory from my mind.

Despite being found out as a fraud, Troi remains defiant.

Screw it. I’m just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Some will win. Some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues. Oh the movie never ends it goes on and on and on.


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Tragedy struck the Enterprise today after Captain Picard beamed his entire crew down to a molten lava planet.

“If only Counselor Troi was here. She could have warned me of the danger” he said.


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