Seven Dwarfs to Break Up!

Tensions in the band have been rising for months







International singing sensation The Seven Dwarfs have announced that they are breaking up.

The group, who shot to fame with their smash hit “Heigh Ho” about the dreary life of working in a mine have said in a statement that “Personal, business and musical” differences have led to this decision and that they expect their assets to be distributed “Evenly and without bitterness.”

However despite the group’s optimism those behind the scenes say that long-simmering feuds and resentments may lead to years of lawsuits and mudslinging.

“Look what it all boils down to is that Grumpy and Happy can no longer stand to be in the same room together” said their long time publicist.

They are two profoundly different dwarfs with different personalities, abilities and musical tastes. Grumpy is more sarcastic and wanted to move the band into a more experimental direction. He also could not stand the song that made them famous. He used to always tell me “If I have to sing ‘Heigh Ho’ one more time I’ll pose nude for an album cover and get me a Japanese girlfriend.” He also has a very sharp tongue and can be very intimidating. I think he was bored with The Dwarfs and wanted out.  Happy on the other hand loved Heigh Ho and would sing it every chance he got.  He loved being a part of The Dwarfs and wanted the band to go on forever. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

In addition to the differences between Grumpy and Happy other members of The Dwarfs had begun to resent what they felt was Happy’s overbearing manner in the studio.

“Happy was always telling me how to play my damn guitar” said Bashful.

I resented that. I was their f*cking lead guitarist. I know how to play. Let me play. I didn’t need pretty boy Happy lecturing me on chord progression. Screw him. 

But perhaps the group could have survived all these conflicts if not for their business differences.

“Happy wanted to hire his father-in-law while Grumpy wanted to hire the guy we fired”  said a good friend of the band, Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones.

I mean I love Grumpy. Such an original talent. But he’s a little naive when it comes to business. We fired this guy because he was a crook and stole our songs. We don’t even own our own songs. Now Grumpy wants him to be their manager?  I tried to warn him but he wouldn’t listen to me. I blame his girlfriend Snow White. Bitch broke up a great band.

While many are hoping for a reunion, judging from Grumpy’s first post-Dwarf single called “Happy How Do You Sleep at Night”  that does not appear to be likely.

So Heigh Ho took you by surprise
You better see right through that mother’s eyes
Those freaks was right when they said you was dead
The one mistake you made was in your head

The Dwarf’s drummer Dopey is reported to be in Nashville cutting a country album, while the other three members, Doc, Sleepy and Dopey have announced that they will be opening for The Who on their summer tour.


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    I know.

    CSNY had to turn into SSN. I just feel sorry for “Joni”, don’t say devil witch.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    At least Lindsey Buckingham is still with Fleetwood Mac. What? Dammit!

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