Thanksgiving Dinners Across United States Ruined as #Metoo Movement Spreads to Turkeys!

Humans are rapists








Normally a festive time filled with family get togethers, cranberry sauce and football, Thanksgiving this year will be a tense time as militant turkeys, radicalized by the #metoo movement, vow that protests will break out across the United States.

“I was minding my own business on the farm” said one recently radicalized turkey.

And the next thing I know I’m on a kitchen counter, tied up with string and some human is sticking their hand up my ass. I mean come on!  I’m as progressive as the next turkey but if I wanted to engage in unnatural sex I’d hang out with Charlie Sheen and a room full of coked up transsexual hookers.

Many turkeys across the United States have similar stories of being brutally raped by humans.

“I was bought by these humans and brought home” said one turkey.

I had no idea what was going to happen to me. Then my legs were torn off and cooked in front of me. The rest of me was covered in some sort of glaze. Before I had a chance to recover these humans had their hands all over me. Grabbing me. Licking me. I was frightened and began to cry. The bread dressing on the table next to me tried to console me. “Relax’ it said. “Everyone does it. Just close  your eyes and think of Russell Crowe.” Well even thinking of Russell Crowe in his gladiator costume didn’t help. Then I was eaten, pooped out and flushed away. I ask you is this how you treat a native American?

Turkeys have begun wearing t shirts that say “Everybody Knew” in solidarity with the turkey #metoo movement.

“Is this the America people want” said the turkey leader of the #metoo movement.

Americans are all complicit. If you haven’t shoved your hand up a turkey’s ass on Thanksgiving then you know someone who has. Everyone is complicit. One cannot say “Well I have never done it” and expect forgiveness from we turkeys. You knew. You knew all along what was happening but said nothing.

Hollywood is planning on several pro-turkey events during this season’s award shows. The Golden Globes are asking all presenters to cover themselves in glaze and wear feathers to show their solidarity with turkeys.

“I’m a vegan and that naturally make me a sensitive person and I know that what we are doing to these turkeys is wrong” said a producer for the Golden Globes.

The Oscars are adding a new category, “Best Social Justice Movie” and are hoping to have a Thanksgiving meal turkey survivor announce the winner. Unfortunately there are no known turkey survivors. Instead the producers will have former Beatle Pete Best present the award.

“He’s close enough to a turkey” was their rationale.

However these events are months away. With Thanksgiving approaching many are worried about retaliation.

The Turkey Liberation Army has released this statement:

Attention all humans: We of the Turkey Liberation Army announce that a state of war exists between our two species. For every turkey that is brutally man-handled on Thanksgiving we will peck to death two of your kind. This is our final warning.

The FBI has asked that all humans who are worried about the possibility of turkey violence to substitute chicken this year for their meal. Or, if they can stomach it, tofu.


6 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    “a room full of coked up transsexual hookers” — what, in the Vatican?!?

  2. LSP says:

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  3. LSP says:

    Infidel, my mother HATES it and does everything in her power to avoid the thing. WTH, is this some kind of secessionist revolt?!?


    Don’t say Maxine.

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