My Exclusive Interview with Roger Goodell

Roger Goodell’s inner essence











With NFL protests much in the news I was lucky enough to snag an interview with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell (pictured above.)

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Goodell.

RG: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Are you ready for some football?

MI: Actually no. I turned off the NFL games in disgust after the protests started.

RG: So you’re watching the games? It’s good to hear from faithful, loyal football fans such as yourself.

MI: Actually I said I was not watching the games and was boycotting them out of disgust for the protests and politicization of the game.

RG: I’m glad we have your support. Without fans like you the NFL would be nothing.

MI: You’re not listening to me, are you?

RG: No. No I’m not. I’m Roger f*cking Goodell, Commissioner of the Motherf*king NFL and I don’t need to listen to common people like you. Commoners such as yourself and your stupid protests annoy me.

MI: But would you like to address the issue of the protests?  Viewership is down and many people talk of never watching the NFL again.

RG: Our brave heroic football players have the right to protest the out-of-control epidemic of white police officers shooting young black men.

MI: But isn’t that really a myth. If you look at the statistics black men are much more likely to be killed by other black men.

RG: Ferguson. Hands up. Don’t shoot.

MI: That has been proven to be false.

RG: But I believe it to be true. And that’s all that matters.

MI: Shouldn’t the NFL be concentrating on providing entertainment and not becoming social justice warriors?


MI: Commissioner Goodell?


MI: What about the arrest rate of NFL players? Do you plan to address this issue?


RG: Oh look. it’s the coach of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs, Gregg Popovich!

[Gregg Popovich enters] 

White people are evil!








GP:  White people!

MI: I beg your pardon?

GP: White people need to be made uncomfortable. We have no idea what it means to be born white. White people! Make them uncomfortable!  Down with white privilege!  Make us uncomfortable. White people need to be brought down and made uncomfortable!

RG:  Brilliantly put. Would you by any chance be available to take a knee for us next Sunday?

MI: You want to be made uncomfortable? Very well. I’ve just told your chauffeur that he won’t be needed for the rest of the day so he left.

GP: What? No chauffeur? Damn you Manhattan Infidel I said make white people uncomfortable. Not kill us!  What am I supposed to do now?

MI: I don’t know. Take public transportation?

RG: I’d offer you my chauffeur but he’s busy taking a knee somewhere.

GP: No chauffeur peace!

[Popovich takes a knee]

RG:  May I join you?

[Goodell takes a knee]

MI: I’ll just leave you to your knee taking then.

[Manhattan Infidel leaves]

RG: Help I’ve taken a knee and I can’t get up!

GP: I used to have that problem. Now I take SuperBeta Prostate. 

You know that interview made me very uncomfortable. And not in a social justice way either.


My Exclusive Interview With Judd Apatow

Hi. I suck!








Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing writer, producer and director Judd Apatow.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Apatow.

JA: Please. Call me Mr. Apatow.

MI: I just did. 

JA: That’s better.

MI: What?

JA: Show some respect for your betters.

MI: Right. Anyway I’m looking at your Wikipedia profile and it says that you are a producer, writer, director and actor.

JA: Yes I am. One of the more in-demand in Hollywood actually. Why?

MI: It’s just that I don’t believe I’ve seen any of your work.

JA: That’s okay. I assume you are from one of the lower classes of society so intellectual stimulation for you probably consists of raping women of color.

MI: Come again?

JA:  You Trump supporters are all from the lower class. Probably do manual labor for a living instead of working with your mind like I do. And like all lower class people you’re violent and when drunk rape women.  Just like Donald Trump who had his Secretary of Education rescind Obama’s, may his holiness live in our hearts and minds forever, campus sexual misconduct policies. You see Trump had to pander to his rape base.

MI:  But couldn’t it be argued that Obama’s campus sexual misconduct policies violate due process? Are people still innocent until proven guilty? Aren’t those policies that state one in five college women will be raped based on faulty data? Does not the data show that it’s more like one in 500 is raped? By saying one in five aren’t you demonizing men and calling all men rapists?


MI:  Mr. Apatow?

JA: Numbers aren’t my thing but I feel that one in five is correct. I don’t need proof. And those who have been accused of rape are guilty. No evidence or due process is needed.

MI: But doesn’t that lead to kangaroo courts?  Doesn’t our system of due process and assuming someone is innocent until proven guilty a great improvement over what existed in Europe at the time?


JA: You’re a rapist aren’t you?  A rapist and a racist. 

MI: I think you had better watch what you say.

JA: Racist raper!

[Manhattan Infidel punches Apatow in the nose, breaking it]

JA: Ow! My nose! It’s broken! I’m bleeding!  Help! Mommy! Mommy!

[Apatow’s wife, actress Leslie Mann enters] 

This hot woman is married to a child












LM: What’s going on here?

JA: Mommy I have a boo-boo. The big bad man hurt me!

LM: Haven’t I told you to not fight in the playground? Just for that I’m sending you to bed without supper. And what until your children find out!  You’ll have to buy them more presents!

[Apatow continues to cry]

JA:  Mommy don’t send me to bed without supper.

LM: I’m sorry Manhattan Infidel. He’s rambunctious for a child his age and calls people names and gets into fights. I’ll have to ask the doctor to increase his medication.

[She grabs him by the ear and drags him off]

MI: Well that explains a lot.

And so ended my interview with Hollywood elitist and superior intellectual grown man-child Judd Apatow. You know I still haven’t seen any of his piece of shit movies.


Tension Increases on Korean Peninsula as Kim Jong-un Acquires Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators!

I will annihilate America with my Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators!







Concerns that North Korea intends to start a war were intensified over the weekend when it was revealed that Kim Jong-un is now in possession of weaponized Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators courtesy of the notorious arms dealer Marvin the Martian.

“Unfortunately the reports are true” said CIA director Mike Pompeo.

Unable to develop a nuclear bomb small enough to fit on an ICBM he contacted Marvin the Martian and acquired the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators, which are smaller, lighter and more powerful than conventional nuclear weapons. If, god forbid, he uses one of the explosive space modulators the entire United States will look as desolate as any Democratic-held inner city.  Frankly people we should all be freaking out. This might be the end of the world in which case I’m leaving my wife and hooking up with strippers.

As to how Kim Jong-un was able to contact Marvin the Martin despite Marvin being on a terrorist watch list sources inside the CIA say that Mr. Martian was able to exploit the United States’ lax border security.

Mr. Martian has been banned from entry into the United States but he was able to sneak in over the Mexican border with several other undocumented people in the back of a pick up truck. Once over the border he obtained a drivers license, registered Democrat under the assumed name of “B. Clinton” and bought a plane ticket to North Korea. Our TSA agents should have nabbed him at the airport but they were too busy beating up a woman in a wheelchair who may have had a coke bottle in her carry on.

Now in possession of Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators Kim Jong-un took to North Korean state television and threatened to wipe the United States off the face of the planet.

“Donald Trump and America will feel our wrath” he said.

We are now in possession of all the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators  on the planet. I don’t like America. It blocks my view of Europe. I will use it to blow up the United States. and when that happens there shall be a giant kaboom!

As for how to contain Kim Jong-un Democrats are urging caution and more diplomacy with House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) asking President Trump to tone down his rhetoric and use restraint in hopes of getting the North Korean leader back to the bargaining table.

The Secretary General of the United Nations, Antonio Guterres has called for the Security Council to censure Israel.

Jimmy Kimmel threatened to beat up Fox TV personality Brian Kilmeade.

George Clooney blamed President Trump for “riling up” the North Korean leader and said that “this is the time for diplomacy and restraint.

And finally David Crosby volunteered to smoke all the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator that Kim Jong-un has if it will lead to peace.

“Dude that’s some powerful shit” said Crosby.

“Stephen Stills used to get some strong stuff from Paul McCartney but the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator high is Earth shattering!”


Millionaires Suffering from Concussions Kneel During National Anthem!

I’m outraged! But not outraged enough to go back to the neighborhood I grew up in!









Outraged by the treatment of minorities in America many NFL players made their voices heard by kneeling during the National Anthem on Sunday.

“I’m outraged! Simply outraged” said one NFL player when asked why he took part in the protests.

I’m so outraged I don’t know what I’m outraged about. But I feel I should be outraged. I didn’t sign a five year 100 million dollar contract with a bad team when I could have signed with a winning team for 80 million just so the President can question my integrity. I’m outraged. I will not stand for our racist anthem. It’s a symbol of racism, written by a racist slave holding white man. I don’t care if he never owned slaves. All white people past, present and future are guilty of racism and slavery.

Another NFL player said he had to kneel as a matter of social justice.

Trump just can’t criticize us. I believe in free speech but when it comes from Republicans it’s hate speech. And the Constitution does not allow hate speech. That’s why I’m kneeling. Because every day black men are shot dead by white cops. And this is bad. I am so outraged that black men die like this. Very outraged. Granted not outraged enough to go back to the neighborhood I grew up in. The brothers got guns and it’s just not safe. I’m outraged not stupid.

A third player admitted he did not know much about the protests.

I have what the doctor says is a concussion. It’s my 26th this year. Basically my head rapidly moved forward and my cerebrospinal fluid wasn’t enough to absorb the impact. I’m pretty confused most of the time and the doctors won’t let me play football for the rest of the year. But I do know two things for certain: This protest is justified whatever it is and I no longer control my bowel movements. Doc says that might be related to the concussion but even if it’s not it’s pretty disgusting.

But the most typical reaction came from one player with the Baltimore Ravens who did not want his name used as his comments may violate  his parole.

As an NFL player some might say I live a privileged existence. But if you take away the cars, the houses, the bling and the bitches I’m just another black man who is afraid of being shot by racist white people in racist America. And that outrages me. I’m so outraged I might even forget to beat my wife tonight. Though I might be able to punch her in an elevator if I get the chance. Not technically a full-blown ass beating but it would make me feel less sad about racism in America.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is confident that the protests will not harm the popularity of the NFL.

“What are the fans going to do? Not watch? Come on. It’s either watch us or spend Sunday afternoon talking to their wives. You see they really have no choice.”


Declaration of Independence Placed on Index of Prohibited Books!

This is a racist document









The Democratic Party (“The Party”) today added the Declaration of Independence to its Index of Prohibited Books, joining The Bible (anti-gender fluidity), the Adventures of Tom Sawyer (the “N” word) and anything written by Stephen King (too scary).

“For too long we have tolerated this document” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez.

After the alt-right violence at Charlottesville the time has come to bury this racist document once and for all. The Declaration of Independence was written by a white slave holder. The entire document enshrines the right of white supremacy. It must no longer be tolerated. It must no longer be taught in our schools Suppress it. Burn it. Expunge it from our memory.

Vermont socialist and thought leader Bernie Sanders seconded the banning of the Declaration.

Nowhere in this so-called Declaration of so-called independence is the right to free healthcare or the redistribution of income mentioned. The entire document is an ode to capitalism at its worst. And yet we call this document great?  We celebrate it every year. Why?  Instead of this document I suggest we set aside a day to celebrate the United Nations. Perhaps the UN Charter can replace the Declaration of Independence. Socialism yes. Capitalism no. I’m actually 27 years old but capitalism has aged me beyond my years.

2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, while not calling outright for banning the Declaration, seemed to suggest that she is open to the idea.

I’ve seen horrors… horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror… Horror has a face… and that face is the Declaration of Independence. I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor while reading the Declaration of Independence. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving. What are they going to say about me? What? Are they going to say I was a kind woman? I was a wise woman? I had plans? I had wisdom? Bullshit, man! 

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi urged the moral necessity of banning the Declaration.

Have you ever read the Declaration of Independence?  We must not read it so we cannot find out what’s in it. Every month 500 million Americans lose their jobs because of the Declaration of Independence. Boom goes the dynamite. Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra. Shaka. When the walls fell! Temba, his arms wide. 

If the Democrats are successful in banning the Declaration of Independence it will leave a void on July 4th. Some have suggested that Americans plant trees or give to a transgender charity.

“Only gender fluidity can prevent climate change” said former Vice President Al Gore.  “I mean come on!  Do you want the f*cking polar bears to drown? What the hell is wrong with you people? That does it. I’m having a cheeseburger and farting in the wind. F*ck you all.”


My Exclusive Interview with Hillary Clinton

Get of of my way you bitch!







Today at Manhattan Infidel I was planning on doing a post on all my spam. But then failed Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton showed up and demanded an interview.

HC: Manhattan Infidel I want to talk to you!

MI: Hillary Clinton, failed presidential candidate. How may I help you?

HC: Failed?  You are absolutely deplorable.  I want to talk to you about sexism, homophobia, Islamophobia and all the reasons I lost the election.

MI: I thought you lost because you’re a bitter, unlikable alcoholic?

HC:  Who said I was unlikable?

[Hillary pulls a flask from her blue jump suit.]

HC: I never go anywhere without my flask. It helps ease the pain of racism, misogyny, Islamophobia, Russian interference in our election, James Comey, misogyny – 

MI: You already mentioned misogyny.

HC: Misogyny is very important. It’s rampant in toxic patriarchal America.  Anyway, misogyny, you had the unprecedented intervention by an FBI director. You had a foreign adversary successfully influence the election. You had voter suppression aimed primarily at African Americans and young voters. And you had sexism, which was front and center.

MI: Voter suppression? Why would Republicans want to suppress the African vote?

HC: Because Africans have always been very loyal to the Democrats going all the way back to the days when we owned them.

MI: What?

HC: I didn’t say that.  Anyway what was done to us in this election. Every day that goes by, we seem to learn more about the interference and the profound impact of that on the outcome. And that should terrify every American. We cannot tolerate being manipulated by a foreign power, especially one that is so bent on destabilizing democracy as Russia and its current leadership is. Who knows, if it weren’t for the loyalty of our African underclass the election would not have even been close. God bless our loyal Africans. You know they’ve always been loyal to Democrats going way back to the days we owned them.

MI: Again. What?

HC: I didn’t say that.

MI: Say what?

HC: About our loyal Africans who have always been very loyal to the Democrats back to when we owned them.

MI: You sure you want to say that?

HC: Say what?  I didn’t say anything.

MI: I see. Anything else you want to blame your loss on?

HC: Yes. Kate Upton.

MI:Kate Upton?

HC: I invited her up to my hotel room. I said “How’d you like to spend the night in the hotel room of the first women elected president?”  I just wanted to touch her. 

No you can’t touch me

No you can’t touch me!






















MI: I don’t blame you. I’d love to touch Kate Upton as well.

HC: I know. But she wouldn’t let me touch her. SHE WOULDN’T LET ME TOUCH HER! She said she couldn’t cheat on her fiancee, some baseball player.

MI: Sucks to be you.

HC: She wouldn’t let me touch her!  I lost the election because she wouldn’t let me touch her.

MI: That sounds logical.

HC: Thank god for the loyalty of our Africans. They have always been loyal to us going back to when we owned them.

MI: There you go again. Are you sure you want to say that?

HC: Say what?  I didn’t say anything.

And so ended my interview with the eminently logical, always says the right thing, Hillary Clinton.


My Exclusive Interview with New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio)

Socialism today! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!








It is election time here in Gotham and our beloved mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) is running for a second term. I recently had the chance to sit down with him and talk about what he wants to accomplish in his second term.

MI: Good afternoon your honor.

WWJ: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is always a pleasure to speak directly to the good comrades of New York City. I have had a wildly successful first term and for my second term – 

MI:  That’s assuming you win re-election.

WWJ: [Sigh] Comrade my reign shall continue. The subjects of New York appreciate my strong leadership. They appreciate my attempts to redistribute income according to compassionate socialist principles.

MI: But there is a primary next week and then the general election.

WWJ: [Sigh] These elections really do get in the way of establishing the socialist workers’ paradise. They are a holdover to the old ways of white supremacy and the Constitution. Our legal system favors elections. Many of my colleagues in the Party would like to change this and just let us rule. We will rule benevolently and for the good of the subjects of New York City. 

MI: The subjects?

WWJ: Yes. Subject to the benevolent rule of their natural superiors in the Party.

MI: Okay well let’s talk about the subways. They are a mess.

WWJ: [Sigh] This talk of subways bores me. Like subways are important. I’d rather talk about gender fluidity.

MI: Gender fluidity?

WWJ: Yes. New York City is gender fluid friendly. We recognize all 31 genders. My subjects agree that protecting the rights of the gender fluid is the most important issue facing New York today.

MI: Even more important than our crappy subways?

WWJ: [Sigh] I grow bored with your bourgeois prattling. I want to talk about my plans to abolish private property.

MI: Abolish private property?

WWJ:  Yes. Our legal system is structured to favor private property. This is not what the people want. My subjects want the city government to determine every single plot of land and how development would proceed. That’s a world I’d love to see.

MI:  Wow. But wouldn’t that get rid of incentive to work hard? To better oneself? To move up the economic ladder?

WWJ: [Sigh]

MI: You sigh a lot.

WWJ: Yes I do. As a benevolent ruler it always pains me when I have to send one of my subjects to a re-education camp.

MI: What are you talking about?

WWJ: I have determined that you are a capitalist. You must be re-educated to lose your capitalist thought. Therefore I will have my security team take you to a work camp. Work will set you free, comrade.

MI: A re-education camp? You mean a gulag?

WWJ: Call it what you will. You must be purified.

[Security guards surround Manhattan Infidel]

MI: Wait. Where are you taking me?

WWJ: The Bronx.

MI: No! Not the Bronx! Anything but the Bronx. I’ll be good. I love socialism. I really do. I’ve been a socialist since I was a baby. I redistributed my poop every chance I got! No!  Don’t send me to the Bronx!

And so I was taken away to the Bronx. I was lucky to escape. All I had to do was find a way to make myself useful to my captors. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go to the bathroom. i have about ten pounds of cocaine shoved up my butt that needs to come out.


My Exclusive Interview with North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un

The new “In” look







As everyone knows there is a possibility of war between the United States and The Democratic People’s Republic of California. Um, I mean Korea. Though tensions remain high between the United States and California as well.

Using my contacts in government I was able to arrange unlimited access to North Korea’s enigmatic leader Kim Jong-Un. We met at a neutral location (a Burger King) for our talk.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Un.

KJU: Excuse me?  Mister? Mister? That’s Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, thank you.

MI: I’m sorry. No disrespect intended.

KJU:Whatever. I’m tired of you tall, thin westerners disrespecting me. I know what you’re saying about me behind my back. You call me “Wo Fat” and say I only got this job because of my father.

MI:Well isn’t that true?


KJU: Next question.

MI: Okay why did you agree to meet me at a Burger King?

KJU: I wanted to show the people of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, a socialist workers paradise, the decadence of capitalism.

MI: Really?

KJU: Okay, I like Whoppers. A lot.

MI: They are delicious.

KJU:What is that you are having?

MI: It’s their Strawberry Banana Smoothie. 

Can I buy this on the black market?












KJU: Wow. Do they have more? I mean if that’s the last one in the country I will buy one on the black market and force my fellow countrymen to eat grass.

MI: Um, no we have plenty here. Thank you.

KJU: May I try yours?

MI: Sure but be careful. It’s pretty heavy.

[Manhattan Infidel hands King Jong-Un his Strawberry Banana Smoothie who proceeds to drop it on his lap]

KJU:  My balls!  My balls have been crushed by a Strawberry Banana Smoothie! You’ll pay for this Manhattan Infidel. I shall put you in a coma and force you to eat grass. Or I will force you to eat grass and then put you in a coma!

MI: Balls crushed? You know that’s been happening a lot to people I interview.

KJU: The Supreme Leader’s balls have been crushed by capitalism! I can’t have my grass-eating people see me with crushed balls

MI: Relax I’m an expert on this now.  I have a rudimentary lathe and a system of ropes and pulleys. We simply have to keep your balls elevated to prevent swelling.

[Manhattan Infidel attaches Kim Jon-Un’s balls to a pulley and hoists the Supreme Leader, balls first, into the air]

KJU: Are you sure this will work?

MI: I’m a member of the mainstream media. Why would I lie?

[There is a ripping sound as Kim Jong-Un falls to the ground, his balls still in the pulley]

KJU: My balls!  My Supreme Leader balls have been torn off and ripped asunder from my body by the forces of capitalism!

MI: Yeah I didn’t see that coming. Well, that’s about all the time we have.

KJU:Wait, what about my balls? What do I do now? I have no male genitalia for my male Supreme Leader body!

MI: Don’t worry. We recognize over 31 genders in America. Just tell your people you are transitioning.

And so ended my interview with the Supreme Leader. I’m never going to get that ripping sound his testicles made when they separated from the rest of his body out of my head. I haven’t heard anything so horrible since Yoko Ono.


Manhattan Infidel’s Suggestions for Renaming the George Washington Bridge

Rename this symbol of patriarchy and white supremacy!








Situated in upper Manhattan, the George Washington Bridge connects the borough of Manhattan with New Jersey.

Now it’s bad enough that New Jerseyans have easy access to Manhattan but this bridge is named after a slave holder and white supremacist. While there is no solid evidence that Washington was a Nazi it is only a matter of time before said evidence is uncovered.

I ask you are we going to let a bridge be named after a slaveholder, white supremacist and possible Nazi? No!  Resist!

While my first instinct is to blow up the bridge I realized that more faint-hearted Nazi hunters might balk at that. Therefore I will settle for renaming the bridge after a less offensive and controversial personality.

I now submit a list of names that will be inclusive, progressive and non-Nazi.

  • Squeaky Fromme Bridge

I believe that naming this bridge after Squeaky Fromme would sent a message to the entire world that we value gender equality. Before Fromme when one thought of the great assassins one thought of white men. Fromme changed this and proved that women were strong enough to attempt to assassinate the President of the United States. Unfortunately Fromme was cisgender and binary but we can’t have everything. Perhaps the next great female assassin will have a penis.

  • Che Guevara Bridge

He’s Hispanic people! Nothing screams “weak, helpless and oppressed” more than Hispanic heritage. What better way to show we value equality than naming the bridge after him. Sure he executed gays and blacks but who can stay mad as someone as sexy as he was?

  • Susan Smith Bridge

Known for killing her children, she drove her car into a lake and let them drown. She struck a blow against the patriarchy and its institution of slavery known as marriage. By naming the bridge after her we tell the world we value all 31 genders and believe they are equal.  As an added bonus she will be eligible for parole in 2024 and  I’m sure everyone wants to see her bless her bridge.

  • Mohamed Atta Bridge

By naming the bridge after the leader of the 9/11 hijackers we are proving to the world that while we are racist, intolerant and Islamophobic, we are trying to overcome our backwardness and want to be more like our enlightened, progressive European cousins. Bonus: Naming the bridge after a devout Muslim will help bring about peace in the middle east and force that apartheid nation Israel to give back all its land to the rightful owners.

  • Josef Stalin Bridge

He hated Nazis and wanted to punch them all. This alone is good reason to name the bridge after him. He established a socialist workers paradise in the Soviet Union. He also liked cats. No not the musical though it is the world’s most thrilling theatrical experience.

  • Lemrick Nelson, Jr. Bridge

During the Crown Heights riots of 1991 he stabbed Hasidic student Yankel Rosenbaum to death. Lemrick Nelson is black and it is important that a bridge be named after a black hero. By naming the bridge after him we also put further pressure on Israel. Iran will also take notice and hopefully nuke the apartheid state of Israel for the good of the entire world.

To recap, while Fromme, Smith and Stalin were technically white it is important to point out that none owned slaves, Fromme and Smith were weak, helpless and oppressed women and Stalin had a mustache and was a socialist who hated Nazis. Even Nazis with mustaches.


Symbol of Misogyny and White Supremacy Pulled Down in Manhattan!

This statue of Ralph Kramden is a symbol of hatred!












Enraged that a statue of hatred stood outside New York’s Port Authority in midtown, angry activists took to the streets and attempted to tear it off its pedestal, set it on fire and throw the symbol of intolerance into the East River.

The statue of bus driver Ralph Kramden has stood outside 8th Avenue for years, attracting little attention as busy commuters rushed to and fro. That was until the activist group “Citizens United Against Stuff We Don’t Like”  decided it was time to remove it.

“We don’t like stuff. This statue is one of those stuff” said the group’s founder.

Kramden was a wife beater. Neighbors say he beat her so hard it sounded like she was being sent to the moon. He is a symbol of hatred and misogyny. He also lived in an all-white apartment building, worked for a bus company that would not hire peoples of color and belonged to a lodge, The International Loyal Order of Friendly Raccoons, that did not allow members of color. Even the name “raccoon” is racist. Given all that why is this symbol of white supremacy and patriarchy allowed to stand in this progressive city?

The group’s members, all recently graduated or still in college surrounded the offensive symbol of our nation’s past hatred and taunted it, chanting “Hey, ho, patriarchy and misogyny have got to go!” before throwing menstrual blood on it.

Next came the actual dismounting the statue from its base, which proved harder than expected for the college-educated elite group.

First they attempted to topple it with their moral authority.

“By the power of my Ivy League degree I say topple over!” shouted the group’s president.

Perhaps because the statue was patriarchal and would not listen to a woman it refused to be toppled over.

They then tried pushing it over but to no avail.

Seeing it still standing several group members became triggered and called their trigger counselors to tell them about their feelings. They then entered the Port Authority building looking for a safe space. Finding no safe space available many became confused and began weeping.

It was then that a passerby saw the weeping group and asked what was wrong.

“We can’t topple the patriarchy” one member said.

They were then directed to the Port Authority’s office where they put in an official work order to remove the offending symbol of hatred.

As four burly men used tools to remove the statue the groups members cheered.

“This is great. We are using the patriarchy to dismantled the patriarchy!” said one.

With the statue now removed they then went to their group headquarters where they feasted on kale, gluten-free bread and seltzer water while planning their next act of tolerance.

“We are asking that the George Washington Bridge be torn down. George Washington was a cisgender white male slaveholder. He is literally Hitler!”