Biden Names Chief Wild Eagle Head of New Balloon Defense Division of Pentagon!

Balloon!!!  It is balloon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reacting to criticism of his handling of the recent Chinese Spy balloon incursion over U.S. airspace, President Biden today tapped Chief Wild Eagle of the Hekawi tribe and placed him in charge of air sovereignty readiness.

“There is nothing more important to me than our sovereign air space” said the president.

Because sovereignty is important. Except on our southern border of course.  But if the Chinese ever try to fly a spy balloon on our southern border rest assured that my son Hunter will ask his business partners in China about it. So let me say again.  Our air sovereignty is important to me.  Almost as important as showering with my daughter and eating ice cream.  

Who doesn’t love ice cream and showering with their daughter?

With the Chinese spy balloon finally shot down after it had traversed the United States, President Biden announced a new “get tough” policy on balloons.

My son’s advisors in China first suggested that LeBron James, a good friend of China, would be a great choice for the head of the new balloon defense division.  But upon further thought I have named Chief Wild Eagle of the Hekawi tribe to the position.  Chief Wild Eagle has a long history of being a peace-maker while aggressively responding to threats.  And the man knows balloons.  

Many in Congress were unsure about Wild Eagle’s fitness for the position and invited him to Washington to test how he would respond to threats.

“I invited him to my daughter’s birthday party” said one senator.

It was a typical young child’s birthday party.  There were balloons everywhere. Well bless his heart, Wild Eagle went medieval on the balloons.  He kept shouting “It is balloon!” and popping each one of them.  The children were all confused and crying but it was worth it.  He took charge of the situation and defended the air sovereignty of my home. Just imagine what he can do with the entire United States!  Of course my daughter won’t speak to me anymore but the security of America is more important.

At the press conference introduction, Chief Wild Eagle displayed his trademark humility and humor.

When asked why he took the position, Wild Eagle responded, “Teepee never empty when frost on nose of buffalo.”

“I may use that as my campaign slogan in 2024” responded President Biden.

The President then ended the press conference by showing the assembled reporters a clip of Wild Eagle shooting down balloons.

“Look at that.  The man’s a natural” said Biden.

 

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