A Modest Proposal (To Break Up the United States)

You can go your own way, to quote Fleetwood Mac!











Even a very brief examination of the map of Europe over the last 2,000 years shows that borders are not sacred objects.  Borders change.  Sometimes peacefully.  Most often not.  And since it is now abundantly clear that the U.S. cannot continue as it is and with the hope of avoiding an extremely ugly and violent civil war I now present my plan to break up the United States into separate parts.

  • City States

As it stands now New York, Chicago, Philadelphia and Los Angeles will always be able to outvote the rest of the United States and determine who our next president will be. Therefore I ask that these four cities form independent city-states in the Italian Renaissance model.  All other cities with populations of 100,000 or more will have the option of joining these new city-states.  Residents of these city-states will have no vote in U.S. elections. And since their Number One product seems to be violence they will also be banned from entering the rest of the United States.  Hell, put up a wall around them. Perhaps put up a sign on the wall saying “Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” 

You are now entering the Independent City-State of [enter name here]

Let the city-states grown in perfect socialist-marxist harmony and leave the rest of us alone.

  • Massachusetts

Ah, Massachusetts, the birthplace of freedom and the American Revolution, now about as useless as the Yankees in the American League Championship series. I propose towing Massachusetts out into the middle of the Atlantic and sinking it.  But not before every person who has crossed our southern border since Biden became president is bused to Martha’s Vineyard. (Hey, diversity is our strength, am I right or am I right?)

  • Delaware

What is to be done with Delaware?  I know what you’re saying. “Manhattan Infidel, what is wrong with Delaware?”  Well besides gifting us with the Biden Crime Family™ and being a wholly-owned subsidiary of Philadelphia, Delaware also blocks Maryland’s view of the ocean.  Therefore sell it to the Ukraine.  They’ve lost land in their war.  Perhaps Delaware can make up for their losses.

  • California

All those nice nuclear weapons yet no place to use them.  I propose using California as a nuclear testing ground. Hey, we have to test these weapons someplace.  Why not in a state that in itself is approaching nuclear waste proportions?  By doing this we will keep our army well-trained and obliterate Hollywood.  By nuking Hollywood we obliterate their millionaire socialists.  And really, is there anything more annoying than a millionaire socialist? Hey, does Taylor Swift live in LA?  If not we’ll have to move her there before the nuking begins.  Also, before nuking let’s take Rosie O’Donnell* and Rob Reiner* and feed them to the homeless. Just think how many starving children their body fat can feed.

  • Portland and Seattle

Personally I’d nuke them but we need those weapons for California.  So instead let’s sell both cities to China.  They probably wouldn’t even notice the change in ownership.  And Antifa would fit in nicely under the new management.

  • Canada

But Manhattan Infidel, Canada isn’t even part of the United States.  True.  But they had chances to join us during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812.  Therefore I propose a trade.  We get Manitoba, Alberta and Saskatchewan.  They in turn will get California (thereby obviating the need to nuke it), Vermont and Rhode Island.  As this will be a tough sell we can also throw in Taylor Swift. Perhaps Allyssa Milano as well. (If they will take her. If not we can add her to the Ukraine deal.)  If Canada proves a tough negotiator we can give them the entire Kardashian family.

The sections of the U.S. that remain shall be restyled “The Constitutional States of America.”  Unlike the current United States of America, we shall use a document called “The Constitution” as our guide.  And our government shall be extremely limited (hello Ninth and Tenth Amendments.)

There’s the plan.  I believe it is workable and will avoid war.

*I’ve been told by my lawyer that feeding Rosie O’Donnell and Rob Reiner to the homeless will open me up to lawsuits.  Therefore instead let’s just add them to the Ukraine deal.



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