Let ‘er rip!

With the midterm elections just two weeks away it is my pleasure to interview the Democratic candidate for Governor of Georgia, Stacy Abrams.

MI:  Good afternoon Miss Abrams.  Sorry I am late.  There was a lot of traffic on the roads.

SA:  I understand.  Traffic is rough.  Slows us all down.  Do you know how as Governor of the great state of Georgia I will solve traffic congestion?

MI:  No. Tell me.

SA:  Abortion!

MI:  Um.  What?

SA:  Abortion!  Under my plan to reduce traffic congestion people will be required to have abortions.  Abortions mean less people.  Less people mean less traffic.

MI:  That’s a rather extreme solution don’t you think?  Surely there must be another way to reduce traffic?

SA:  No.  Only abortion solves our problems.  God gave us the great gift of abortion and I plan to expand its use.  Tired of waiting on line at the DMV? There’s a solution.

MI:  Abortion?

SA:  Precisely.  Home heating bills too expensive during the cold winter months? There is a solution!

MI:  Abortion?

SA:  Yes.  Abort your child.  Less people means you don’t have to keep the house as warm which reduces heating costs.

MI:  I’m not sure that’s how it works.

SA:  Worried about inflation?  There is a solution.

MI:  Let me guess – 

SA:  Abortion!  Your child will only increase your cost of living.  More mouths to feed.  

MI:  I see a pattern here.

SA:  Didn’t like the ending to the Sopranos?

MI:  Abortion?

SA:  Worried about water contamination at Camp Lejeune?

MI:  Abortion?

SA:  Thought the Beatles should have kept Pete Best as their drummer?

MI: Abortion?

SA:  Yes!

MI:  I’m not sure how abortion would solve any of these issues.

SA:  Oh but it will. Abortion will save the world.  In fact, so confident am I that  abortion will solve all of our problems I have constructed a rudimentary time-traveling device.  With this device I will travel back to when I was a fetus and abort myself!

[Candidate Abrams presses a button on the time-traveling device and becomes younger.  Eventually she becomes a child]

SA:  I’m having second thoughts about this.  How do I stop this?  I can feel my mind going.  My consciousness is slipping away.

MI:  I um – 

SA:  No!  I want to live!

[Candidate Abrams returns to a fetal state.  Eventually all that is left on her chair is some stringy, pulpy matter and a blood stain]

MI:  Yeah I’m not cleaning that up.

And so ended my interview with Stacy Abrams.  I’d like to thank candidate Abrams for –

[The fetal matter bursts and Manhattan Infidel is covered in pulpy material]

God dammit!  I told you I am not cleaning up this mess!

(33)