From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: With Zero Percent of Precincts Reporting Networks Call 2024 Election for Joe Biden!

The most popular and charismatic president ever!







Dateline:  Election Night,  2024

The 2024 Presidential election has been called by all networks and the winner in a landslide is President Joe Biden.

“Even though none of the states have finished voting and all polls are still open we feel that there is no path to victory for Donald Trump” said Joe Scarborough of MSNBC.

I mean, why would any intelligent American not vote Joe Biden.  Look at all he’s done for our country. He has provided inspiring leadership during our war in Eurasia. And while most of the Ukraine has been destroyed by our nuclear weapons the fault for that lies with Vladimir Putin.

“I agree totally with my cohost” said Mika Brzezinski.

And I’m not just agreeing with him because we’ve dumped both our spouses to be together. I agree with him because there is no way we can allow Donald Trump to become president again. Indeed the fact that he’s been in jail the past year for insurrection should disqualify him. Trial? He doesn’t need a trial.  Just keep him locked up!

Despite the fact that President Biden has not been seen in public in ten months and there are rumors that he is dead, he was still the putative favorite coming into election night.

“So what if he’s dead” said a Democratic party insider.

Is there anything in the Constitution that says the President has to be alive? Show me where it says that.  You won’t find it because it’s not there. We’ve often had dead people vote for live Democrats so why not return the favor and have live Democrats vote for a dead man?

While the status of President Biden’s death may have cost him a few votes it was thought that the 20 percent unemployment rate and the decimation of American’s 401Ks might cipher more votes from him.

“That was a possibility, but in the end we knew Americans would make the right choice” said one Wall Street executive.

I mean, what’s a 401K?  Why do Americans need them when they have social security?  At a certain point you have to realize that you have too much retirement money.  And it’s dangerous to allow the common people too much money. 

President Biden’s wife, the First Lady Jill Biden, has taken the President’s place at campaign events and has consistently denied that the President is deceased.

“My husband is not dead. He’s no more dead than Hunter’s laptop is authentic.”

From a hotel in Los Angeles where he was snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass, Hunter Biden agreed with his mother.

“Get out of here before I shoot you with the totally legal gun that I do not have in my possession” he said.



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