Hey you. Yeah you. Come over here!
A society is known by its heroes. Personally my hero is the stripper I met last night who gave me a lap dance at a discount. But lately it seems our society has anointed a lion named Cecil as its hero.
But is Cecil worth our adoration. I decided to find out for myself and traveled to Africa read a Wikipedia entry on Africa to talk to people who knew him. What I found was profoundly disturbing. Granted, not as disturbing as my Tinder profile. But disturbing nevertheless.
Cecil it seems was a career criminal, a petty thief who recently graduated to violent crimes such as rape and murder.
Here is just a partial list of Cecil’s brushes with the law:
- Robbery
Cecil was known by locals as “Cecil the motherf*cking thief lion” and from an early age would steal food from residents’ homes.
“I came home from a hard day in the fields” said one local. “I just wanted to relax and Cecil is in my kitchen drinking my beer and eating my pop tarts. Cecil I said, stop that! Do you know what he does? He stands up on his hind legs and waves his genitalia at me like he was Kanye West or something. Anyway I had him arrested but the magistrate threw the case out because of the long history of lion oppression. He said Cecil’s race had suffered enough.”
Soon Cecil became a professional robber and equipped with a gun and wearing a ski mask would enter homes late at night to steal anything that wasn’t nailed down.
“He stole my stationary exercise bike” said one man. “I don’t know what he needed an exercise bike for. He always appeared to be in good shape.”
After Cecil was killed authorities raided his lair and found 27 exercise bikes, a complete set of OS2 installation disks, an encyclopedia Britannica set with volumes J-M missing, 400 pounds of marijuana, 32 boxes of cherry pop tarts and X Files actress Gillian Anderson.
- Ponzi schemes
Cecil was also a notorious con artist who initiated several ponzi schemes that drained the life savings of those unfortunate to come into contact with him.
“You know those emails that start, ‘My uncle in Kenya…..’ well Cecil invented those. He’d get people to send him money and then he’d put it in an offshore bank account” said a Zimbabwe police detective.
“I brought him in for questioning once. He was a cool and arrogant customer. When I couldn’t pin anything on him he just put on his glasses and said ‘I say old chum, why don’t you just lick my lion balls.’ “
It is even rumored that Cecil and Bernie Madoff were in league together.
- Sexual assault (and not the good kind like when Olivia Wilde busts down your door and won’t leave until you let her get on top)
Cecil was a notorious womanizer who, consensually or non-consensually, would mount any woman who crossed his path.
“I tried to fix him when he was young” said a veterinarian. “But as I was about to perform the procedure Cecil stood up on his hind legs and waved his genitalia at me. It was impressive. Like Forrest Tucker’s. I didn’t have the heart to snip it off.”
It was this trademark arrogance of Cecil’s that eventually did him in.
“I told him to watch out. That a dentist from Minnesota had arrived and was going to shoot him” said a lion friend. “Cecil just laughed and said ‘I ain’t afraid. I’ll just stand up on my hind legs, wave my genitalia at him and shout ‘Shoot me!’ “
Indeed that is how he died. Witnesses say that Cecil, with a fedora perched “jauntily” on the side of his head and smoking a cigarette had just told the dentist to shoot him when the dentist fired. Cecil fell mortally wounded, his last words being “F*cking dentist assholes.”
So you see readers, my intensive investigation God I’m so lonely and have never known the touch of a woman proves without a shadow of a doubt that Cecil is unworthy of our adulation.
(267)
