Yankees Crush, Kill and Destroy the Abomination of Desolation

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“Hey, she gave me VD!” ~ Babe Ruth

The sun goes down on the Red Sox!

The sun goes down on the Red Sox!

Coming off a 6-4 homestand the first place New York Yankees opened a home stand against the last place Boston Red Sox.  I’ll say that again.  The first place Yankees opened up a homestand against the last place Red Sox.  I like saying that.  Last place Red Sox.  It rolls trippingly off the tongue.

The Yankees started Masahiro Tanaka (pictured here)

It's Tanaka Time!

It’s Tanaka Time!

(8-4 3.84) while making his major league debut for the Red Sox was Henry Owens (0-1 5.40).

The Yankees scored first.  In the bottom of the first Chris Young singled and Alex Rodriguez walked. moving Young to second.  Mark Teixeira then singled home Young.  1-0 Yankees after one.

Boston took the lead in the top of the fifth.  Mike Napoli led off with a double.  Alejandro de Aza then singled. Blake Swihart singled and went to second on the throw as Napoli scored.  Jackie Bradley Jr., hit a sacrifice fly scoring de Aza.  2-1 Boston after 4 1/2.

In the bottom of the sixth Chris Young led off with a single and moved to third when Alex Rodriguez doubled. Teixeira then singled home Young. Brian McCann then doubled home Rodriguez and Teixeira moved to third.   Texiera then scored when Carlos Beltran grounded out.  4-2 Yankees after six.

In the top of the seventh Boston scored a run when Pablo Sandoval hit a monster home run that landed behind me in the bleachers.  That hasn’t happened since the old stadium and in the old stadium the bleachers were much closer to the field than in the House Built for the Rich of New York City.  4-3 Yankees after 6 1/2.

And then God, the giver of all good things except for Kat Dennings

This woman is a tool of the Devil!

This woman is a tool of the Devil!

who is a tool of the Devil even though I love her so, gave us the bottom of the seventh.

The Yankees sent 13 people to the plate and scored nine runs.  I won’t even bother trying to recount the scoring in that inning. Much like my college years, the bottom of the seventh is a jumbled memory, punctuated by confusion, frequent intakes of beer, trips to the bathroom and taserings by security.

Notes on the game:

The first pitch was thrown out by a one-legged Iraq war veteran who threw a perfect curve ball for a strike.  Yankee GM Brian Cashman immediately signed him to a long-term deal. He will replaced the injured Pineda in the starting rotation.

It’s not enough to crush Boston.  We must destroy their will to live.  Much like IDAK from Lost in Space,

Crush, kill and destroy the Red Sox!

Crush, kill and destroy the Red Sox!

they must be crushed, killed and destroyed. Last night was an effective start to destroying their will to live.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

 

Shall I part my hair behind?   Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

 

I do not think that they will sing to me.

 

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
didn’t fire up the crowd.

Recommended reading material:

“My life as an overrated fat steroid cheat” by David Ortiz. Okay, so there is no book like that.  But there should be.

Reader mail:

D.D. of New Jersey writes, “I hate Canadians!”

Well who doesn’t?  They are evil people.

D.D. of New Jersey also writes, “And I hate people from Delaware too.”

No argument here. They should all die in drone strikes.

D.D. of New Jersey also writes, “And I hate Hispanics too!”

Now that’s just racist!

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “More pictures of Kat Dennings, please.”

You realize she is a tool of the Devil, don’t you?  But if you insist. Here you go.

Still a tool of the Devil!

Still a tool of the Devil!

And so my record stands at 7-2 this year. My next game is, well, I don’t know when it will be. My work schedule is changing from 7 am to 3 pm to 1 pm to 9 pm so I probably won’t be able to go to any more games this year.  What can I say except,
I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
No, I aint gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
Well, I wake up in the morning
Fold my hands and pray for rain
I got a head full of ideas
That are drivin’ me insane
It’s a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor
I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more.
Go Yankees!

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2 Comments

2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    So you’ve attended nine home games? Assuming you bought a hot dog, nachos and a beer at each one coupled with the cost of admission you have spent the equivalent of a down payment on a one bedroom co-op in Kew Gardens. As we say in the ‘hood, y’all can spend some money yo.

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