Look at that glacier cower before my moral authority!
Fresh off a triumphant trip to the Federally-owned protectorate of Alaska, where he stared down a glacier and appeared with Bear Grylls, President Obama today signed an executive order prohibiting all glaciers in Alaska from “summer time retrograde movements.”
“I went to Alaska” declared the sun-tanned and heavily-muscled chief executive.
I came. I saw. I conquered. The native Alaskans welcomed me, as they should. Alaska is a beautiful country marred only by the presence of Europeans. And just as unsightly as the Europeans were the receding glaciers. Now what causes glaciers to recede? Global warming. And as the most intellectually astute man ever to hold the Oval Office I have noticed that global warming is most pronounced during the summer months. This seasonal warming caused by climate change is a crisis. A crisis that my administration, with the help of NASA and the EPA, will successfully defeat.
With pen in hand, our manly President then signed Executive Order no. 4236, the “Defense of Alaskan Glaciers Act of 2015.”
Surrounded by long-time advocates of global warming such as Sean Penn, Robert Redford and Jenny McCarthy the President then handed out souvenir pens marking the historic occasion.
After the signing during his brief remarks an Alaskan reindeer was brought in to be blessed by Obama.
“Look at this innocent animal. A victim of Republican policies and politics.”
Obama then placed his hands on the reindeer and offered a short benediction.
By the power invested in me by myself, I bless this reindeer, one of our government’s creatures. Go, be fruitful and multiply in the ever-growing glaciers.
The reindeer, perhaps confused and panicked by the TV lights then defecated on the Oval Office carpet.
“Must be a Republican” said the quick-witted President as the assembled press laughed.
As part of the President’s executive order the Alaskan climate will be climate controlled during summer, preventing warmer temperatures that could cause melting of glaciers.
NASA, in conjunction with planned parenthood, will place a shield over Alaska consisting of offal from Planned Parenthood’s offices.
This shield will cover the Alaskan skyline like a second skin, preventing the Sun’s harmful rays from destroying the glaciers, which are Alaska’s most precious resource.
When a reporter from Fox news asked the President if this shield was not in fact baby parts from abortions performed at Planned Parenthood offices the President, angered by the blindness and hardheartedness of the Fox reporter, lashed out in self-righteous anger.
In this moment of climate triumph you would bring that up wouldn’t you? Planned Parenthood does wonderful service helping women avoid the ravages of having a family. Yes, if you want to get technical, these are aborted baby parts. But so what? These aborted babies will play a valuable role in our fight against climate change. I’m sure the babies wouldn’t mind knowing the service they are providing to mother Earth.
After the verbal bitch-slapping of the Fox reporter the other press members, many with tears in their eyes, gave the President an enthusiatic ten-minute standing ovation.
As the press conference ended President Obama announced that he hopes to sign another executive order before the end of the year banning the Sun from getting closer than 95 million miles from Earth.
“I have been told by my climate change scientific advisers that 94.5 million miles is much to close and for life on Earth to survive the Sun must move farther away.”
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