Jack and Jill Fined by EPA!

This is a government protected wetland.  Cease and desist!

This is a government protected wetland. Cease and desist!

It has been announced that Jack and Jill, two teenagers who went to the top of the hill to fetch a pail of water, have been fined by the Environmental Protection Agency.

“The actions of Jack and Jill have had serious debilitating effects on the environment” declared EPA administrator Gina McCarthy.

What gives these two the right to go up a hill and fetch a pale of water? Don’t they know that the pale, and it doesn’t matter if it was wood or metal, contains contaminants? And by using this pale in a pristine, government-protected stream, a wetland, they are committing a felony?  Don’t they know they risk polluting the only available source of water for the fish in that stream? And why do they need to go up the hill anyway?  Can’t they buy bottles of water at a grocery store?

McCarthy then said that Jack will be fined $15,000 a day until he restores conditions in the wetland pre-pail penetration.

We at the EPA take our responsibility to force Americans to be better people seriously.  The environment is sacred.  Every time Mother Earth is penetrated by the actions of peoplekind I can hear her scream. Horrible screams. And so Jack will be fined until he can document that the wetland has been restored to its formerly pristine condition. As to why Jill won’t be fined, as a woman she was obviously the victim of Jack’s entitled sense of patriarchy.

McCarthy also announced that water will be diverted from neighboring towns to replenish the damaged ecosystem on top of the hill that was violated by Jack and Jill.

People are not as important as the environment. Yes, they may complain that they cannot water their cars or lawns anymore but they have to set their priorities straight. Why do they need cars anyway when the government is willing to finance the building of high speed rail? Why do they need lawns when the government is willing to relocate them to urban areas where they can live in apartment buildings? I just don’t understand people sometimes.

As the miscreant responsible for the environmental tragedy, Jack has remained out of sight and on advice from lawyers is not speaking to the press.

“Jack’s been crying a lot” said a family friend.

He just wanted to fetch a pail of water with Jill. He likes Jill. Now with all this attention focused on him he keeps asking his parents if he’s in trouble. Well, he asks his mother anyway who is a proud, independent single mother. Jack is the product of artificial insemination you see. His mother wanted a child to complement her corporate lifestyle but didn’t want to be slowed down by a man.

As for Jill, her mother, the director of “Women Opposed to Penis in Vagina Sex” has sent her teenage daughter off to stripper school.

I want her to learn a respectable trade. One in which she will have power over men and be in control of her orgasm.

The pail used in the devastating anti-wetland act has been destroyed

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