As your president I promise to touch every woman I meet

Like many in the blogging community I am undersexed, lacking social skills, am deeply in debt and will die alone follow politics.

And that why I, like many others, were surprised and delighted when Joe Biden won the presidency in the 2016 election.  Delighted because it gives me four years of material. Surprised because, well, it’s Joe Biden. And so without further adieu I now give you Joe Biden’s inaugural address.

My fellow Americans.  The past couple years have been divisive ones for our country.  Our social fabric is being ruptured in front of our eyes. Like most intelligent Americans I blame the Republicans and their war on women.

I am here to say no more!  No more war on women!  As your President I vow to use my four years in office to reach out and touch every women in America. Literally. Every women in America will know the healing power of Uncle Joe.  My soft hands will caress your wife,

Let me introduce you to little joe

  your daughter,

Relax. I’m the President.

  your mother,

Old lady love is surprisingly passionate

 your sister,

It’s all platonic baby

  your lover,  

Let my hands do the talking lover girl

your best friend.  

Let us make sweet music together. For America

Everyone.  And I do mean everyone. 

Relax. The Supreme Court says it’s okay

So let us as Americans join together and reach out and touch the person to the left of you.  Reach out and touch them.  Feel them. Caress their bodies all over.  To the person who is all the way on the left and has no one to touch then touch yourself. Self love is self knowledge.  And self knowledge is the first step to Democratic socialism.

I know what you are saying.  “President Biden, is all this touching necessary? Doesn’t our country have bigger problems? “

Perhaps.  I couldn’t be bothered to attend the briefings.  I was busy touching people.

Strangers outside,

My tongue will bring down the debt

 strangers inside.  

I touch you!

I have a plan to touch everyone while in office.  So just leave your name, number and the best time I can touch you and I will get back to you.  And as your President let me say it will be an honor to touch all of you.

And If I for some reason have to talk to other world leaders and do not have time to touch you, then rest assured that my Vice President, Pepe Le Pew will!  

I am ze locksmith of love, no?

God bless America and all its touchable citizens!  

Thank you.

Son of a bitch better come nowhere near me.

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