Horoscopes are totally accurate so stop calling my lawyer

I haven’t done a horoscope post in a while.  I am reminded of this every time I walk down the streets of Gotham.  “When are you going to do a horoscope again” they ask me.  “Do a horoscope.  And put on your pants” they also say.  “Please do a horoscope and please stop texting my daughter” is another frequent exchange.

Well I have listened loyal readers. I now present your fair, balance and totally accurate horoscope.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You may be the kind of person who acts on impulse but as from today you should try to think about what you are going to do before you actually do it.  I mean sure how often is a hot high school girl going to approach you in the parking lot and ask you if you want “to have some fun.” But she was a cop. You’re in jail. And your cellmate has taken a shining to you.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Creatively and romantically you must set your sets high, then aim to go even higher. All things are possible if your desire is strong. Hey you know that part about aim high?  Well I was lying. Buy a Japanese sex robot and forget about human companionship. Oh, and your strong desire? It’s freaking out the neighbors.  Especially when you are mowing the lawn naked.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

It may at times appear as if you are completely out of touch with the world around you. However you are definitely not out of touch with your neighbor’s teenage daughter. In fact you probably should lay low for awhile. And stop touching her! Hey! Do you want to share a jail cell with an Aries?

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)

You possess a consuming desire to find out what’s going on. The only danger, of course, is that you might uncover a secret you would, with hindsight, have preferred not to know.  Like the secret about your neighbor touching your sexually precocious teenage daughter. Well, it’s probably her fault for wearing those tight shorts.  Hey, I’d touch her if I could.

Leo (July 24 – Aug 23)

It’s time to get serious about your cash flow situation – or, rather, your lack of a cash flow situation. You have been a bit extravagant of late, what with buying all those presents for the neighbor’s teenage daughter.  And she still won’t let you touch her!  She let’s everyone else touch her why not you? She just wants you for your money. Once everyone else goes to jail she might let you touch her.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 23)

All the plans you have been making can now be set in motion. Don’t hold back. The neighbor’s daughter has been winking at you so make your move.  Take her and touch her!  Just touch her! Just make sure no one finds out.  After all, you don’t want to go to jail and become a bitch like that poor Aries.

Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 23)

No one is out to get you. No one is trying to bring you down. Okay maybe your neighbor. He knows you’ve been touching his daughter. And his wife.  And his son.  And his dog. You know what.  Someone should be out to get you.  You’re one sick f*ck. You disgust me.  Not as much as the crying Aries bitch, but close enough.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Recent challenges were designed not to harm you but to get you taking more responsibility for your life. I mean if only you were up to the challenge the neighbor’s daughter might let you touch her.  But no. She ignores you because she knows you are a loser. Stand up and take responsibility for your failures. And buy that Japanese sex robot since you quite obviously are never going to touch the neighbor’s daughter.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

With the Sun crossing the midheaven angle of your chart today you will get it from every direction. I mean every direction. You see the neighbor’s daughter is into really kinky shit. Stock up on lube because you will be penetrated from every orifice.  Afterwards you will cry. Then the neighbor’s daughter’s father will shoot you.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

An idea that meant nothing to you yesterday will intrigue you today. That idea of course being the neighbor’s daughter. French maid outfit, Catholic school girl uniform, naughty nurse’s outfit. It’s all good. Just don’t film it like you usually do. Cops aren’t stupid and they will use this as evidence against you.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

You will find yourself thinking about some of the deeper questions of life. Time spent in quiet meditation will not be time wasted. And by deeper questions of life I mean “will the neighbor’s daughter do that thing my wife doesn’t?” and by quiet contemplation I mean masturbating in the tool shed.

Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20)

Cultivate new friendships and go places together. You know the neighbor’s daughter wants to be your friend. With benefits.  You can’t wait to take her into the tool shed.  Just wait until the Aquarius is finished masturbating in it. And don’t take her beyond a state line because that’s a felony.

And there it is readers. Your horoscope for the day. What the hell are you doing in the tool shed?  That’s just disgusting!

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