Smokey’s on fire and needs Lance to put him out. Wink wink.

Popular advertising mascot Smokey the Bear and former NSYNC band member and current gay man Lance Bass have ended speculation that they are a couple by formally announcing their relationship.

“I want to end the salacious media speculation” said Bass.

Smokey and myself are indeed a couple. We love each other. He is my soul mate. I didn’t plan on this happening. It just did.  I also want to take this opportunity to thank my husband Michael Turchin for his understanding and always being there for me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.  He’s a wonderful man.  But the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wants Smokey.

The two met at a Bernie Sanders fundraiser in Los Angeles and sources say the attraction between the two was evident from the beginning.

“Look, Lance loved Michael but sexually he was very vanilla” according to a friend close to Bass.

Lance likes to spice things up. And Smokey is very sexually adventuresome. He’s hairy and rough. Just what Lance wants.

Shortly after moving out of the home he shared with his husband, Lance and Smokey became inseparable and were often spotted around Los Angeles holding hands.

“They seemed very happy” said one person who saw them together.

Despite their apparent bliss many are unhappy with the relationship.

According to sources at the Department of the Interior, Smokey has abandoned his duties as the spokesman for preventing forest fires.

“I called him last week and asked him if he could come to Washington to discuss our new advertising campaign” said Interior secretary Sally Jewell.

Normally he’d say yes and get on the first flight to Washington.  I mean the guy really cares about preventing forest fires. Or cared I should say. Instead he said “F*ck the forest. Let it burn. Smokey’s got a young honey.”  F*ck the forest?  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Likewise many of Bass’s friends are suspicious of the relationship.

“Michael was a stabilizing force in Lance’s life” according to one friend who wishes to remain anonymous.

But Smokey is a bad boy and he brings out the worst in Lance. Last week I dropped by their house and was kept waiting for an hour while he and Smokey did their business.  I kept hearing Smoking saying “Smokey’s on fire and needs his bitch Lance to put him out” and then Lance would say “Yes, baby.” I – I don’t even want to speculate as to what was going on.  Some things can never be unheard.

Despite the doubts of their friends, Smokey and Bass appear likely to be together for awhile, recently being spotted in a tattoo parlor in LA.

“Mr. Bass got a tattoo on his ass that said ‘I Love Smokey’ “ said the parlor’s owner.

And Smokey got his nipples pierced. He had me thread rings designed by Lance through both of them. It’s not unusual for couples to do that.

Lance and Smokey have announced that they plan on having children together.

“I want to be a father to Lance’s children” said Smokey.

(794)

Zeus ‘Kraken before he was neutered.

Zeus, King of the Gods of Mt. Olympus and Lord of the Sky and Thunder is seeking to sell his kraken after having him neutered.

“I thought it would make him more manageable” Zeus told his young assistant, Ganymede.

I mean don’t get me wrong.  Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of Mount Olympus, having a good Kraken is often useful. For disciplinary purposes you understand. Sometimes I have to kick ass. And Krakens are good at that. But he was becoming unmanageable.

Zeus is referring to his Kraken’s habit of marking his territory.

He kept peeing all over the furniture. My throne has Kraken pee on it.  My bed had Kraken pee on it. My wife and mistresses were marked as well.  Soon all of Olympus smelled like Kraken pee. I mean I’m the God of  Thunder.  How am I supposed to inspire terror in mortals when every time I visit them they wrinkle their noses and complain that I smell like ammonia? 

Acting on the advice of Olympus’s top veterinarian Zeus decided to have his Kraken neutered.

I was told that after I had him neutered he would become more manageable and would stop marking his territory. Well let’s just say the surgery worked a little too well.

At first Zeus was happy with the results of the surgery.

It was great. No more marking territory. No more humping the legs of the lesser Gods. For the first time in years Olympus smelled great. It smelled almost like teen spirit.

But eventually the negative effects of the surgery became apparent.

I wanted him manageable. Not impotent. But after the surgery he was useless against my enemies. I’d send him off to kick some ass and all he would do was curl up on their laps and sleep. He, and by extension, me, became jokes.  My enemies would send my Kraken back with a note that said, “We love him. Kids love him. Can we keep him?” I was starting to look ridiculous and a God in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous.

Seeing no options Zeus decided to sell his Kraken.

I called some of the Gods in Valhalla and asked them if they needed a Kraken. When they asked me what a Kraken was I told them it was a man eating monster. They liked that and bought him. No need to tell them that he’s been fixed. They’ve already paid me anyway the Norwegian bastards.

Still, Zeus admits selling his Kraken was rough.

When it came time to deliver him to his new owners he looked at me with his big Kraken eyes and rubbed himself against my legs. Then he coughed up a fur ball. I teared up a little bit. Still, it had to be done.

As for the future security of Olympus Zeus is considering his options.

“I heard the Slomin’s Shield is pretty good.”

(112)

The face of sexual harassment!

Count Dracula, well-known and popular vampire of Transylvanian heritage, rumored to be descended from Attila the Hun and currently residing in Orlando, Florida, has been hit with a class action sexual harassment lawsuit from 30 women who claim that he preyed on them and promised them jobs.

“I trusted him” said one woman involved in the lawsuit.

He’s the most popular vampire in Florida. Everyone knows him. And he wears a cape!  What woman wouldn’t trust a man who wears a cape? Anyway he invited me up to his castle. He has a castle! With DIRECTV! So I go to his place and he immediately tells me that I will live forever. I thought he was going to get me a movie deal. Instead he bites me! And now I’m undead.  I’m afraid of sunlight and can’t go out during the day. Look if I wanted to be a club girl I’d become anorexic, do cocaine and give blow jobs in bathrooms.

Another woman claims that when invited to his castle she became sleepy and woke up next to him.

He told me he had connections with the Boyars.  I never heard of that band but hey I’m game. So I went to his place and we are having dinner. He offered me wine and I asked him if he would like a glass.  “I don’t drink wine” he said.  I asked him what he would like to drink and he says “You’re blood.”

She does not consent!

Okay I say, he’s a little older. Maybe that’s what his generation calls oral sex. But then he shows me his overbite and the next thing I know I wake up next to him in his bed. He tells me he loves me and that I shall serve him forever. Whatever. The creep!

Dracula’s lawyer, who goes by the name of Renfield and bills himself as the “Lawyer to the Vampires” maintains that his client is innocent and that it is all just a cultural misunderstanding.

My master, I mean my client, came to the Orlando to pursue the American dream. He loves America and if he is still learning American culture can he be blamed for inadvertently committing the occasional social faux pas? My master, my client, is totally innocent. These allegations are false. False I tell you! I’m loyal to you, Master, I am your slave, I didn’t betray you! Oh, no, don’t! Don’t kill me! Let me live, please! Punish me, torture me, but let me live! Rats. Rats. Rats! Thousands! Millions of them! All red blood!

Dracula for his part Dracula insists that he is innocent and apologizes for any hurt feelings.

“Listen to them, the children of the night.  Such sweet music they make.”

(182)

This is what a gun nut looks like!

Ralphie Parker, a nine-year old boy who received from his parents for Christmas a Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time, has been arrested for illegal possession of a firearm.

“According to the laws of this state, a so-called BB gun, which Ralphie had in his possession, is classified as a firearm” said Indiana’s attorney general.

Indiana isn’t the wild west like Texas.  We at the attorney general’s office take our oath to uphold the law very seriously.  Unless the infraction involves Hispanic or Muslim perpetrators of course. 

The attorney general then went on to relate the events that led to Ralphie’s arrest.

We received reports that a young white male was pointing a firearm at targets in his back yard. This obviously is a dangerous situation.  Now I couldn’t give a hoot in hell if he shoots his eye out but he might shoot out an innocent bystander’s eye. And that would be crime. A serious gun-related crime. I don’t have to tell you that nowadays with conservative gun nuts shooting people left and right it is better to be safe than sorry. So my office took appropriate measures.

A helicopter was sent to perform an intelligence gathering flyover of Ralphie’s back yard. Once it had been determined that he was in possession of a firearm a SWAT team was dispatched.

In a display of swift and admirable military precision the SWAT team surrounded Ralphie’s home and evacuated the block. After breaking the front windows and throwing concussion grenades inside SWAT team members, using a battering ram, knocked in the front door of the residence and gained ingress.

“There was a lot of confusion at first” said one of the officers involved in the raid.

The first civilian we saw we presume was the mother. She was in her robe and kept screaming “Leave my boy alone!”  She was hysterical and was a threat to the mission. We had no choice but to take her down. When she was no longer a threat we dragged her body out into the street. Look, we didn’t know if she was armed or not. It was split second decision.

Ralphie’s father, seeing his wife’s dead body, surrendered peacefully.

He was crying a lot.  He kept saying “What have you done to my wife?” Killing the wife was necessary because it broke him and made the arrest easier.  I mean what kind of father gives his son an assault rifle for Christmas?  Unbelievable what some people’s values are. The man disgusts me.

It was only then that the dangerous felon and his assault rifle were apprehended.

My captain wanted me to shoot him between the eyes. “Don’t take any chances. Take the shot” he told me.  But I said that we weren’t savages so I shot him in the groin instead.

As the injured perp was transported to an ambulance a spokesman for the police department praised the actions of his officers.

A potential mass shooting has been averted. Order has been restored and the Constitution has been upheld. Citizens can sleep safely tonight knowing that the shooter is in jail. Well, a hospital technically but as soon as doctors say he is able to be moved we are taking him to a holding facility where he will be processed for his crimes.

Collateral damage in the raid was limited to killing the neighbor’s 785 smelly hound dogs. The neighbors, the Bumpuses, were given a citation for endangering animals.

(188)