This is what a gun nut looks like!

Ralphie Parker, a nine-year old boy who received from his parents for Christmas a Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time, has been arrested for illegal possession of a firearm.

“According to the laws of this state, a so-called BB gun, which Ralphie had in his possession, is classified as a firearm” said Indiana’s attorney general.

Indiana isn’t the wild west like Texas.  We at the attorney general’s office take our oath to uphold the law very seriously.  Unless the infraction involves Hispanic or Muslim perpetrators of course. 

The attorney general then went on to relate the events that led to Ralphie’s arrest.

We received reports that a young white male was pointing a firearm at targets in his back yard. This obviously is a dangerous situation.  Now I couldn’t give a hoot in hell if he shoots his eye out but he might shoot out an innocent bystander’s eye. And that would be crime. A serious gun-related crime. I don’t have to tell you that nowadays with conservative gun nuts shooting people left and right it is better to be safe than sorry. So my office took appropriate measures.

A helicopter was sent to perform an intelligence gathering flyover of Ralphie’s back yard. Once it had been determined that he was in possession of a firearm a SWAT team was dispatched.

In a display of swift and admirable military precision the SWAT team surrounded Ralphie’s home and evacuated the block. After breaking the front windows and throwing concussion grenades inside SWAT team members, using a battering ram, knocked in the front door of the residence and gained ingress.

“There was a lot of confusion at first” said one of the officers involved in the raid.

The first civilian we saw we presume was the mother. She was in her robe and kept screaming “Leave my boy alone!”  She was hysterical and was a threat to the mission. We had no choice but to take her down. When she was no longer a threat we dragged her body out into the street. Look, we didn’t know if she was armed or not. It was split second decision.

Ralphie’s father, seeing his wife’s dead body, surrendered peacefully.

He was crying a lot.  He kept saying “What have you done to my wife?” Killing the wife was necessary because it broke him and made the arrest easier.  I mean what kind of father gives his son an assault rifle for Christmas?  Unbelievable what some people’s values are. The man disgusts me.

It was only then that the dangerous felon and his assault rifle were apprehended.

My captain wanted me to shoot him between the eyes. “Don’t take any chances. Take the shot” he told me.  But I said that we weren’t savages so I shot him in the groin instead.

As the injured perp was transported to an ambulance a spokesman for the police department praised the actions of his officers.

A potential mass shooting has been averted. Order has been restored and the Constitution has been upheld. Citizens can sleep safely tonight knowing that the shooter is in jail. Well, a hospital technically but as soon as doctors say he is able to be moved we are taking him to a holding facility where he will be processed for his crimes.

Collateral damage in the raid was limited to killing the neighbor’s 785 smelly hound dogs. The neighbors, the Bumpuses, were given a citation for endangering animals.

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