Dracula Victim of Class Action Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

The face of sexual harassment!

The face of sexual harassment!

Count Dracula, well-known and popular vampire of Transylvanian heritage, rumored to be descended from Attila the Hun and currently residing in Orlando, Florida, has been hit with a class action sexual harassment lawsuit from 30 women who claim that he preyed on them and promised them jobs.

“I trusted him” said one woman involved in the lawsuit.

He’s the most popular vampire in Florida. Everyone knows him. And he wears a cape!  What woman wouldn’t trust a man who wears a cape? Anyway he invited me up to his castle. He has a castle! With DIRECTV! So I go to his place and he immediately tells me that I will live forever. I thought he was going to get me a movie deal. Instead he bites me! And now I’m undead.  I’m afraid of sunlight and can’t go out during the day. Look if I wanted to be a club girl I’d become anorexic, do cocaine and give blow jobs in bathrooms.

Another woman claims that when invited to his castle she became sleepy and woke up next to him.

He told me he had connections with the Boyars.  I never heard of that band but hey I’m game. So I went to his place and we are having dinner. He offered me wine and I asked him if he would like a glass.  “I don’t drink wine” he said.  I asked him what he would like to drink and he says “You’re blood.”

She does not consent!

She does not consent!

Okay I say, he’s a little older. Maybe that’s what his generation calls oral sex. But then he shows me his overbite and the next thing I know I wake up next to him in his bed. He tells me he loves me and that I shall serve him forever. Whatever. The creep!

Dracula’s lawyer, who goes by the name of Renfield and bills himself as the “Lawyer to the Vampires” maintains that his client is innocent and that it is all just a cultural misunderstanding.

My master, I mean my client, came to the Orlando to pursue the American dream. He loves America and if he is still learning American culture can he be blamed for inadvertently committing the occasional social faux pas? My master, my client, is totally innocent. These allegations are false. False I tell you! I’m loyal to you, Master, I am your slave, I didn’t betray you! Oh, no, don’t! Don’t kill me! Let me live, please! Punish me, torture me, but let me live! Rats. Rats. Rats! Thousands! Millions of them! All red blood!

Dracula for his part Dracula insists that he is innocent and apologizes for any hurt feelings.

“Listen to them, the children of the night.  Such sweet music they make.”


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