Bombing is just the first step

A week after the bombing of a Doctors Without Borders hospital in Afghanistan President Obama held a press conference and declared that the bombing of the hospital was a “necessary first step” in containing the group.

“For too long we have let this group expand its operations without interference” declared the President.

The world demands action.  They look to us. I am prepared to act unilaterally on this.  If the Republicans in Congress do not give me the authority to bomb more Doctors Without Hospitals buildings I will order it done. I have a pen. I will do it.

Saying that all options are on the table the President then said that if Doctors Without Borders does not accept a cease fire brokered by Secretary of State John Kerry there will be more bombings as well as sanctions against the group.

One does not simply bomb ones way into enemy territory. We can bomb all their hospitals.  We can kill all their doctors. But sanctions are necessary. I propose that anyone who signs up for Doctors Without Borders pay a substantial fine. This will help bring them to the bargaining table. So we will ratchet up our bombing campaign, taking planes away from the Syrian campaign if need be, and we will impose sanctions on these doctors.

Obama went on to talk about the necessity of winning the hearts and minds of Doctors Without Borders. Calling it “Operation Sorry We Bombed You” the President believes that it may ensure peace in our time.

Our bombing of their hospitals will be strategic in nature. With pinpoint accuracy we will bomb only those hospitals known to have Doctors Without Borders on their staff. Our sanctions will be strategic in nature. All this is designed not to make enemies but win their hearts and minds. Doctors Without Borders hate us because they are jealous of our freedom.  And we bombed them. But mostly they hate what we stand for.  Freedom.  With government regulation. But once we win their hearts and minds they will cease to be a threat to us.

As part of Operation Sorry We Bombed You the President introduced Patrick Dempsey whom he intends to send to Afghanistan.

Patrick played a doctor on TV.  This makes him a great choice. As a doctor, albeit a fake one, he will admirably represent my administration and its sympathies with Doctors Without Borders.

A nervous looking Dempsey then told the President that no one told him he was going overseas.

“I don’t want to be bombed” said Demsey.

“It’s a little too late to worry about bombing now.  I’ve seen your last two movies” the President shot back.

As Dempsey was wrested to the ground and taken to a waiting flight to Afghanistan the President closed his press conference by once again warning Republicans not to oppose him.

“I’m the President. Read the Constitution.”

A spokesman for Doctors Without Borders was unavailable for comment.

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