Yankees Season Ends; CC Sabathia Refuses to Stay Drunk for Playoffs!

What would David Wells say?

What would David Wells say?

Disappointing legions of baseball fans, CC Sabathia entered rehab the day before the wild card game.

“Today I am checking myself into an alcohol rehabilitation center to receive the professional care and assistance needed to treat my disease” said the heft lefty.

I love baseball and I love my teammates like brothers, and I am also fully aware that I am leaving at a time when we should all be coming together for one last push toward the World Series. I want to thank the New York Yankees organization for their encouragement and understanding. Their support gives me great strength and has allowed me to move forward with this decision with a clear mind.

CC’s decision sent shock waves through the professional sports community. We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have stayed up the entire night contacting baseball players past and present to get their take on the news.

While most of the players I called were too drunk to pick up the phone I was lucky enough to contact former Yankee and perfect game pitcher David Wells.

MI: David, any comment on the shocking news?

DW: Naturally my thoughts and prayers are with CC during this difficult time.   I just hope CC gets the help he needs and comes back a stronger pitcher and a better man.

MI: What about the timing of the announcement? Did that surprise you? One day before the wild card playoff game?

DW: Look, baseball is just a game.  Some things are more important.  CC made the right decision.

MI: Really?

DW: Yes.

MI: Really?


DW: No.

MI: I see.

DW:  What the hell’s wrong with these metrosexual pansies nowadays.  I pitched drunk.  One time I was so drunk I didn’t even realize I was pitching until I read the papers the next morning and found out I beaned Manny Ramirez.

MI: Perhaps it’s the timing of the announcement you have issue with and not the actual announcement itself?

DW: Have you heard a word I’ve said? CC should be ashamed of himself.  Why back in ’98 in a meth-fueled rage Paul O’Neill, Chuck Knoblauch and myself sodomized and killed a hobo, not in that order, drove upstate and dumped his body in a reservoir. And we still made it back to the Bronx in time for game two of the World Series.

MI: I don’t believe I’ve heard that story before.

DW: That’s because Joe Torre hushed it up.  We killed him on his orders.

MI:  I don’t know what to say.

DW: In my day ballplayers were proud of their excesses.  I still am.  Right now I’m snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass.

MI: I did not need to know that.

DW: In fact I think I’m going to snort cocaine off  your ass.

MI: I…..what?

DW: Bend over.

MI: No wait.

[Mr. Wells bends Manhattan Infidel over]

DW: You like it don’t you.

MI: What are you doing back there.  What is that? That doesn’t feel like cocaine.

DW: Relax. I’m a ballplayer.  You can trust me.

I won’t bore my readers with the rest of the interview, the details of which my therapist says that with years of expensive counseling I will be able to expunge from my memory.

Suffice to say that the modern ballplayer is a different breed than those that went before him.



2 Responses

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Now that Baseball is over for me for 2015 I can concentrate on Hockey. Go Rangers!

      And yes, muck the Fastros.

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