What would David Wells say?

Disappointing legions of baseball fans, CC Sabathia entered rehab the day before the wild card game.

“Today I am checking myself into an alcohol rehabilitation center to receive the professional care and assistance needed to treat my disease” said the heft lefty.

I love baseball and I love my teammates like brothers, and I am also fully aware that I am leaving at a time when we should all be coming together for one last push toward the World Series. I want to thank the New York Yankees organization for their encouragement and understanding. Their support gives me great strength and has allowed me to move forward with this decision with a clear mind.

CC’s decision sent shock waves through the professional sports community. We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have stayed up the entire night contacting baseball players past and present to get their take on the news.

While most of the players I called were too drunk to pick up the phone I was lucky enough to contact former Yankee and perfect game pitcher David Wells.

MI: David, any comment on the shocking news?

DW: Naturally my thoughts and prayers are with CC during this difficult time.   I just hope CC gets the help he needs and comes back a stronger pitcher and a better man.

MI: What about the timing of the announcement? Did that surprise you? One day before the wild card playoff game?

DW: Look, baseball is just a game.  Some things are more important.  CC made the right decision.

MI: Really?

DW: Yes.

MI: Really?

[Pause]

DW: No.

MI: I see.

DW:  What the hell’s wrong with these metrosexual pansies nowadays.  I pitched drunk.  One time I was so drunk I didn’t even realize I was pitching until I read the papers the next morning and found out I beaned Manny Ramirez.

MI: Perhaps it’s the timing of the announcement you have issue with and not the actual announcement itself?

DW: Have you heard a word I’ve said? CC should be ashamed of himself.  Why back in ’98 in a meth-fueled rage Paul O’Neill, Chuck Knoblauch and myself sodomized and killed a hobo, not in that order, drove upstate and dumped his body in a reservoir. And we still made it back to the Bronx in time for game two of the World Series.

MI: I don’t believe I’ve heard that story before.

DW: That’s because Joe Torre hushed it up.  We killed him on his orders.

MI:  I don’t know what to say.

DW: In my day ballplayers were proud of their excesses.  I still am.  Right now I’m snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass.

MI: I did not need to know that.

DW: In fact I think I’m going to snort cocaine off  your ass.

MI: I…..what?

DW: Bend over.

MI: No wait.

[Mr. Wells bends Manhattan Infidel over]

DW: You like it don’t you.

MI: What are you doing back there.  What is that? That doesn’t feel like cocaine.

DW: Relax. I’m a ballplayer.  You can trust me.

I won’t bore my readers with the rest of the interview, the details of which my therapist says that with years of expensive counseling I will be able to expunge from my memory.

Suffice to say that the modern ballplayer is a different breed than those that went before him.

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