Galactic Empire Pushes for Light Saber Control!

The safety of our citizens is our first priority!

The safety of our citizens is our first priority!

The emperor of the Galactic Empire, Lord Palpatine, has announced that his first order of business will be to introduce strict lightsaber regulation into all territory currently controlled by the Empire.

“The safety of our subjects is my first priority” declared the fearless Emperor.

One need only look at the statistics to see that the incidents of mass lightsaber violent events is increasing exponentially.  How many more widows and orphans must be made before we act? How many more grieving parents have to be told that they will never see their child again?

Using the emergency powers granted him by the Galactic senate, Palpatine signed the “Emergency Restriction and Confiscation of Lightsabers” Act.

After attaching his signature to the legislation the Emperor produced a lightsaber  and used it to further make his point.

Look at this instrument.

Only the Empire and its security force can be allowed access to these dangerous weapons

Only the Empire and its security force can be allowed access to these dangerous weapons

It is deadly in wrong hands. And too many have fallen into the wrong hands. All of you are no doubt aware of the tragic destruction of our Death Star resulting in the death of over one and half million military personnel and half a million droids. Yes, those were the droids we were looking for. If perhaps we had tighter lightsaber control that Death Star and its personnel might still be alive. By allowing extremists opposed to the empire readily available access to lightsabers they became emboldened and hardened into a spirit of resistance. Now do I believe lightsabers are evil?  No of course not.  They are necessary to maintain order.  But to maintain order only those military personnel associated with the Empire will be allowed access to these weapons.  What does a private citizen of the Empire need a lightsaber for anyway? Nothing good I can assure you!

As cheers erupted in the Senate gallery Palpatine finished his speech by declaring “Lightsaber restrictions today!  Lightsaber restrictions tomorrow!  Lightsaber restrictions forever!”

The Emperor then signed a companion bill ordering the arrest and detention of known extremist Obi-Wan Kenobi, who is rumored to have an illegal stash of lightsabers buried in a secret location to use in the event of an uprising.

Kenobi is the leader of the pro-lightsaber faction. As such he is a symbol of extremist resistance to the wise laws of the  Empire. Laws that have brought peace and prosperity to our territory. Look at all we have now thanks to the Empire. Security. Peace. Free health care coverage for all.  Redistribution of wealth through a wise and providential progressive tax policy. All this is threatened by the lightsaber fanatics. That is why Kenobi must be arrested.

Through a spokesman Obi Wan Kenobi vowed to resist arrest by the Empire.

A lightsaber is a tool; no better or no worse than any other tool: an axe, a shovel or anything. A lightsaber is as good or as bad as the man using it. Remember that. I and my followers use our lightsabers to defend freedom.

All citizens of the empire who have any knowledge of Kenobi’s whereabouts are urged to call Galactic Crime Stoppers.

A reward will be offered.



4 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Can we keep our fluorescent light bulbs without fear of confiscation and prison?

  2. LSP says:

    The sooner racist homegrown extremist “Kenobi” is brought to justice the better.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>