Smokey Bear, Lance Bass Announce Relationship

Smokey's on fire and needs Lance to put him out.  Wink wink.

Smokey’s on fire and needs Lance to put him out. Wink wink.

Popular advertising mascot Smokey the Bear and former NSYNC band member and current gay man Lance Bass have ended speculation that they are a couple by formally announcing their relationship.

“I want to end the salacious media speculation” said Bass.

Smokey and myself are indeed a couple. We love each other. He is my soul mate. I didn’t plan on this happening. It just did.  I also want to take this opportunity to thank my husband Michael Turchin for his understanding and always being there for me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.  He’s a wonderful man.  But the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wants Smokey.

The two met at a Bernie Sanders fundraiser in Los Angeles and sources say the attraction between the two was evident from the beginning.

“Look, Lance loved Michael but sexually he was very vanilla” according to a friend close to Bass.

Lance likes to spice things up. And Smokey is very sexually adventuresome. He’s hairy and rough. Just what Lance wants.

Shortly after moving out of the home he shared with his husband, Lance and Smokey became inseparable and were often spotted around Los Angeles holding hands.

“They seemed very happy” said one person who saw them together.

Despite their apparent bliss many are unhappy with the relationship.

According to sources at the Department of the Interior, Smokey has abandoned his duties as the spokesman for preventing forest fires.

“I called him last week and asked him if he could come to Washington to discuss our new advertising campaign” said Interior secretary Sally Jewell.

Normally he’d say yes and get on the first flight to Washington.  I mean the guy really cares about preventing forest fires. Or cared I should say. Instead he said “F*ck the forest. Let it burn. Smokey’s got a young honey.”  F*ck the forest?  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Likewise many of Bass’s friends are suspicious of the relationship.

“Michael was a stabilizing force in Lance’s life” according to one friend who wishes to remain anonymous.

But Smokey is a bad boy and he brings out the worst in Lance. Last week I dropped by their house and was kept waiting for an hour while he and Smokey did their business.  I kept hearing Smoking saying “Smokey’s on fire and needs his bitch Lance to put him out” and then Lance would say “Yes, baby.” I – I don’t even want to speculate as to what was going on.  Some things can never be unheard.

Despite the doubts of their friends, Smokey and Bass appear likely to be together for awhile, recently being spotted in a tattoo parlor in LA.

“Mr. Bass got a tattoo on his ass that said ‘I Love Smokey’ “ said the parlor’s owner.

And Smokey got his nipples pierced. He had me thread rings designed by Lance through both of them. It’s not unusual for couples to do that.

Lance and Smokey have announced that they plan on having children together.

“I want to be a father to Lance’s children” said Smokey.


2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    How about Ben Afleck and Curious George? Those Hollywood nights in those Hollywood Hills…

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