She turned the whole world on with her smile. And paid the price!

Ending weeks of speculation, Mary Richards, popular producer of the 6 O’Clock News for WJM in Minneapolis, has announced that she has contracted the HIV virus.

“It is true.  I am HIV positive” said Richards.

I first became aware of my diagnosis four years ago.  I have no idea how I contracted HIV.  Possibly it was through a blood transfusion. All my sexual partners have been notified and I have always practiced safe sex.  Again, let me repeat:  I have no idea how I got the virus and all my partners since my diagnosis have been told of this. The sex I have had has been safe.  Well, except for the one time Mr. Grant gave me a Dirty Sanchez but that was New Year’s Eve and I was in the mood for something different.

Despite her protestation that she has no idea how she contracted the virus many speculate that it was her lifestyle.

“Hell, she turned the whole world on with her smile” said her supervisor Lou Grant.

I remember when she first walked into my office.

You turned me on with your smile woman and now we are going to be lovers!

With each glance and every little movement she showed it. Love was all around no need to waste it.  And I didn’t waste it.  I had a goddamn woody under my desk. I figured she was going to go to HR and get me fired so I said why not go for it?  We did it on my desk. And under the desk. And on the floor. Hell if we could have figured out how to float we would have done it in the the air! Though I did feel like I was floating when her body was pressed against mine.

The director of Minneapolis’ AIDS prevention center says that because of Miss Richards unique ability to turn the whole world on with her smile her sexual partners could exceed nine billion.

“That’s a lot of sexual partners” he said.

That would be even more than Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Clinton combined!  Needless to say it’s not surprising with a lifestyle like hers she eventually contracted the virus. Naturally her nine billion sexual partners need to get themselves tested as soon as possible. Even if they test negative it’s important that they start antivirals immediately. And pick up some free condoms.  They are available at Minneapolis high schools and middle schools.

WJM anchorman Ted Baxter isn’t surprised at the diagnosis even as he admits that the two were never intimate.

I tell you she can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. At least that’s what Murray Slaughter says. He told me she was into Irish perms. She really had something. Everyone wanted her.  Even Sue Ann Niven had her. But she wouldn’t let me touch her. She even went to HR about the selfies I sent her. And then she turned on the HR girl with her smile and they did it. Still now that she’s positive I’m glad I never was intimate with her. But it would have been freaky.  I mean I love my wife Georgette but she’s so vanilla.

Miss Richards has announced she will be taking a leave of absence from WJM to concentrate on staying healthy.

“It’s going to be difficult. I mean I smiled at the delivery boy who brought me pizza last night and well, I guess I turned him on.  Fortunately for both of us he had condoms. He’s in high school you see.”

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Bang! Zoom! Right in the kisser!

Ralph Kramden, and employee of the Gotham Bus Company, has been fired from his job after a string of violent domestic abuse incidents at his apartment.

“I often heard the two arguing” said upstairs neighbor Ed Norton.

I mean I’m Ralph’s best friend and I didn’t want to get him in trouble.  But you can only turn a blind eye for so long. There were many times I’d visit him and Alice would be crying.  She had black eyes and I just knew that Ralph had inflicted another savage beating.  You know I’m a man and I know how it goes. Sometimes you have arguments that get out of hand. But enough was enough. I had to call the cops. If this kept up he was going to kill her. Besides my wife said if I didn’t do something she would never touch me again.

When police arrived at the Kramden’s apartment at 328 Chauncey Street in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn they found Mrs. Kramden cowering in the bedroom and Ralph banging on the door screaming, “One of these days… One of these days… POW! Right in the kisser! Bang! Zoom!  Straight to the Moon!”

Police tasered and subdued the burly, violent bus driver and placed him in handcuffs before bringing him down to the precinct.

At the police station Kramden maintained his innocence.

“This is a set up I tell you. A set up!” he told detectives.

I would never hurt Alice. I love her. I have never touched her. But since she started taking classes at college she’s changed. She keeps asking me to provide her with a “safe space” whatever the hell that is. Once time I asked her to perform fellatio on me for my birthday.  She said she will not give verbal or nonverbal affirmative consent to such a sex action and kicked me in the groin!  On my birthday! Is it any wonder I’ve been getting angry with her. What  husband wouldn’t?

Ed Norton confirms that Alice had changed since taking classes but insists the change was for the better.

Before she was just a housewife and conformed to the white man’s lower expectations of what a woman can do. But she’s grown.  I’ve started a hashtag, #busdriverswiveslivesmatter to show my support for her. In my apartment I have designated the bedroom a “safespace” for my wife Trixie. She even has her own key. I can only enter by her consent, which is as it should be. We white men have raped our women, our environment, our world for too long. I’ve gone vegan because meat is murder, I have a low flush toilet to save water and I buy carbon credits whenever I can. If only Ralph would be more like me.  I guess we sewer workers are more enlightened than mere bus drivers.

A spokeperson for the Gotham Bus Company has confirmed that Kramden was an employee but that he has been terminated.

We at the Gotham Bus Company have a very strict policy on domestic abuse: We oppose it. All employees have to take mandatory anger management training and have their spouses sign weekly forms stating that their domestic partners respect their safe space, ask for affirmative sexual consent and do not physically abuse them. Kramden’s actions in no way reflect upon the progressive values of Gotham and we are committed to female equality. We have even hired a few female bus drivers and some of them are actually biologically female!

Released on his own recognizance Kramden vows to move to the Florida Keys.

“Screw it.  I’m going to live my life on a small boat somewhere far away from any colleges!”

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Have you ever seen a tire naked?

The Michelin Man was ordered today to stop drinking, put on some pants and stay away from children after a recent string of embarrassing incidents. He has also been relieved of all duties as a spokesman for the Michelin tire company.

“He was starting to be a problem and was affecting the bottom line” said Michelin’s CEO, Jean-Dominique Senard.

We’ve been keeping a dossier on his behavior for a long time.  We were hoping it wouldn’t come to this frankly. He’s been our spokesman for over a hundred years and loyalty still means something.  We sat him down a few times and told him to cool it but he wouldn’t listen and kept behaving inappropriately.

Source say the Michelin Man (formally known as Bib or Bibelobis) had recently transitioned from fully functioning alcoholic to out of control and non-functioning alcoholic.

“I was hired to document his behavior” said a private investigator hired by Michelin.

In just three weeks of following him around I documented 25 cases of public intoxication, ten cases of meth and cocaine use, 22 times he was naked in public.  20 times he was naked in public while intoxicated, 8 cases of being naked in public while high on cocaine and one case of  being naked in public while running down a street in broad daylight while carrying a frightened child in each arm and shouting “I’m Henry the Eighth I am! Henry the Eighth I am I am! I got married to a widow next door she’s been married seven times before.”  Frankly the whole being naked with children thing we could have let slide but quoting Herman’s Hermits?  Some things are just wrong.

The Michelin Man has ignored repeated requests by Michelin to tone down his behavior or enter rehab.

“I think he was just frustrated” said a Michelin executive.

He wants to be taken seriously as an actor and I think it bugs him that he is only known as a spokesman.  “I should be doing Shakespeare instead I’m just another Mr. Whipple” he told me. I sympathized with him but you know what?  No one forced him to take our money. He can always quit and do theater. But no. That would interrupt his lifestyle. The hell with him.

Michelin has cut all ties with the Michelin Man and is now seeking another spokesman.

“We’re thinking of going in another direction” said Senard.

The Michelin Man, while popular with old people did not appeal to a younger demographic. We’ve been in contact with Miley Cyrus. Now there’s an appealing person. And you must admit her large dildos would add hip dimension to the Michelin Man costume. But if Miley doesn’t accept we have other feelers out.  Specifically Justin Bieber and Lamar Odom.

The former Michelin Man, who now prefers to be called by his real name of Bibelobis has just announced that he has been hired to star in a new production of Beatlemania.

“I play Pete Best.  I have one line:  ‘What do you mean I’m out?’  Sure it’s not much but it’s a start to resurrecting my theater career.”

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All my life I’ve been trapped by my sexual identity

Optimus Prime has announced that after a lifetime of being “trapped” in his male transformer body he is fully transitioning into a female transformer.

“It is true” said Optimus in a prepared statement.

For years I felt different than the other Autobots. I had a sense that my body was not what it was supposed to be. These feelings kept coming back to haunt me. The other Autobots told me I was crazy.  “Stop acting like a Decepticon!” they used to say. I was in a pit of despair.  Who could I tell about my feelings that would sympathize with me.  On Cybertron we only have two genders.  Then I came to your United States. I saw how you have at least five genders, sometimes more.  I realize now that gender identity is a fluid thing, a bourgeois construct.  God bless the USA!

Optimus also announced that for the past year he has been taking female Autobot hormones to ease the transition process and will soon begin making public appearances as a fully functioning female Autobot.

When I announced this to the other Autobots they were incredulous and accused me of “going native.”  They won’t even talk to me anymore.This has been very hard for me. But it’s what I must do.  It’s how I feel and it’s what I now identify as. Ironically the one who’s been the most supportive of me in my struggle to transition has been Megatron.  He sent me an email congratulating me and said I was a hero.  I don’t know whether I’m a hero or not.  I’m just a simple, humble Autobot with strong moral character, excellent leadership and decision-making skills who is also a brilliant military tactician.I just happen to want to be a female.

While he may have been rejected by his fellow Autobots, Optimus Prime has received nothing but support from those who know him on Earth.  Glamour Magazine has named Optimus the “Autobot of the Year” beating out Joe Biden and Nicholas Cage.

Cynthia Leive, the editor of Glamour Magazine said that Optimus’ struggle for acceptance “humanizes the Autobots.”

When the Autobots first appeared on Earth many of us thought they were scary and nothing but fancy cars about to be stolen by Vin Diesel. But Optimus has shown us that there is more to Autobots than that. They have feelings. And these feelings must be protected in safe spaces.  Inclusive, non-judgmental, gender-fluid safe spaces. We applaud Optimus. We think she is a role model for others, human and Autobot and I can’t wait to see what gown she will wear at the ESPY Awards.

The next step in Optimus’ transition is choosing  a female  name to go with his new gender identity.

I was going to call myself Caitlyn. I like that name.  It’s young and serviceable. Just like me. But I didn’t want to step on Bruce’s feelings. So I’ve decided to call myself “Kristen” after Kristen Stewart. I’ve always identified with her.  I like vampires and sparkling things.

With Optimus focusing on transitioning Bumblebee has been named the new leader of the Autobots.

“The least likely can be the most dangerous” said Bumblebee when accepting his new role.

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It must have been a blood transfusion!

Ending weeks of tabloid speculation, Charlie Sheen announced he has contracted HIV.

“It’s true” Sheen told Matt Lauer during a sit-down on the Today Show.

I have to put a stop to this onslaught, this barrage of attacks and harmful stories about me threatening the health of so many others.  I’ve known I’ve been HIV for about four years.  It started with some cluster headaches and the porn star who was servicing me said that perhaps I should get checked out by a doctor. It was then that I was informed of my diagnosis.

When asked how he could have contracted the virus, Sheen responded that it must have been from a blood transfusion.

There’s been a lot of speculation out there that I could have contracted this from leading a risky lifestyle and having unprotected sex with multiple, okay 5000 partners over the years.  I always have lived my life with honesty and condoms. But mostly honesty. And hookers.  And porn stars. And strangers. Strangers that sold me cocaine. So much cocaine that I had to shove tubes up my nose to snort it all. So as you can see I don’t think I contracted HIV from my lifestyle. It must have been from a blood transfusion.

Sheen went on to discuss the specific incident that he believes was responsible for his contracting HIV.

I had decided to donate blood because that’s just the type of person I am. I’m a giving person. And I gave it to 5000 partners. But while I was giving blood I asked the doctor if this was a new needle. He said no. I think he said no.  I was too busy servicing the 30 prostitutes I always bring with me.  Now I trusted these prostitutes. I trusted them almost as much as the porn stars I always travel with. But anyway as I was saying the doctor, whom I trusted almost as much as the prostitutes and porn stars I always have around me, was using a dirty needle. That can be the only explanation for my HIV status.

Sheen then talked in more detail about the blood transfusion that gave him HIV.

As I said, I’m a loving, giving person.  And during my transfusion I noticed that my good pal Lindsey Lohan was there. So I called her over and we snorted some coke together, as good friends do. Then we shared a porn star.  As good friends do. It was while she was doing me with a strapon as I was servicing a porn star that I noticed the the LSU Tigers were also donating blood.  As you know I am a huge college football fan so I invited them over.  And we all shared Lindsey Lohan. Just to break the ice. Well it was while we were breaking the ice, and my anus, that I noticed this guy in the corner looking sad.  I invited him over because that’s just the type of guy I am.  He said his name was Biff and he was from Indiana, was new in town and had no friends.  So I invited him to share Lindsey Lohan and the prostitutes and porn stars. He declined the LSU Tigers. Turns out he’s a big Boilermakers fan.

Sheen then concluded his interview by asking his many fans to practice safe sex and always use clean needles.

Please, please I beg my fans. If you must have sex with prostitutes, porn stars, the LSU Tigers and some guy named Biff use protection. And don’t do too much cocaine because you might forget about the protection.

Biff from Indiana could not be reached for comment.

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