President Obama: Climate Change is a Threat and We Must Act Now! And by Act Now I Mean Reduce Carbon Emissions. And by Reducing Carbon Emissions I mean Reduce Freedom! And by Reducing Freedom I Mean Reducing Freedom for Others, Not Myself!

Climate change is almost a big a threat as the Constitution!

Climate change is almost a big a threat as the Constitution!

With President Obama flying off to Paris to address the settled science of global warming climate change we here at the settled science of Manhattan Infidel (for Manhattan Infidel is a fact and if you disagree you are stupid and racist) have taken the liberty of reprinting in full Dear Leader’s address to assembled cultists in Alaska before he went to Paris.

So please sit back, pass the popcorn and enjoy. And remember, please use a low-flush toilet whenever possible.  No it won’t help the Earth but the exercise you’ll get from using the plunger will help you.

I want to thank the people of Alaska for hosting this conference.  I look forward to visiting more of Alaska over the next couple of days. And then getting the hell out. I mean it’s cold. Bitterly, sub-zero glacially cold. Colder than Michelle. You know maybe Alaska could use some climate change!

We are not going to — any of us — be able to solve these challenges brought on by climate change by ourselves.  We can only solve them together. And by together I mean leading from behind. Leading from behind. You know when I was in college that was my Pakistani boyfriend’s favorite pick up line. He was a very passionate power bottom. But I digress.

Of course, we’re here today to discuss a challenge that will define the contours of this century more dramatically than any other — and that’s the urgent and growing threat of Republicans.  I mean changing climate.

The science is stark. As stark as a cold glare from Michelle.  It is sharpening. Much like how Michelle always sharpens the knives in the White House kitchen. She won’t tell me why. It proves that this once-distant threat is now very much in the present. And by once-distant threat I mean Republicans.

I recall what one Alaska Native told me at the White House a few years ago.  He said, “Many of our villages are ready to slide off into the waters of Alaska, and here is your marijuana.” You see, if we don’t act now the villages that grow my pot will disappear. And smoking pot is the only thing that makes the arctic iceberg that is my wife endurable.

I just wish Michelle would experience some global warming. She hasn’t moved her hips in years.

But the point is that climate change is no longer some far-off problem, like the JV team of ISIL  You notice I said ISIL not ISIS.  That’s because I’m smarter than you. It is happening here.  It is happening now.  Climate change is already disrupting our agriculture and ecosystems, our water and food supplies, our energy, our infrastructure. It’s disrupting them more than my economic policies.

I’ve come here today, as the leader of the world’s largest economy not named Canada to say that the United States recognizes our role in creating this problem, and we embrace our responsibility to help solve it. I have already installed low-flush toilets in the White House. I might regret that, what with all the cheeseburgers Michelle eats.

And let’s be honest — there’s always been an argument against taking action.  The notion is somehow this will curb our economic growth. And at a time when people are anxious about the economy, that’s an argument oftentimes for inaction. I’m here to tell you that taking action will not curb our economic growth.  My economic policies have already done that.  So what are we waiting for?

Submerged countries. Abandoned cities. Fields no longer growing. Entire industries of people who can’t practice their livelihoods and I’m not talking about the coal miners of West Virginia. I was proud to put them out of work. Political disruptions that could trigger multiple conflicts around the globe. Again, these are all the result of my economic policies. But I’m here to tell you that climate change didn’t help!

So let me sum up. We know that human activity is changing the climate. That is beyond dispute. Everything else is politics if people are denying the facts of climate change. And as a master intellect and Constitutional scholar I am above politics. Unlike those Republicans in Congress.

People will suffer.  Economies will suffer.  Entire nations will find themselves under severe, severe problems.  More drought; more floods; rising sea levels; greater migration; more refugees; more scarcity; more conflict. Speaking of scarcity and conflict that’s why I’m in Alaska.  I wanted to make myself scarce from Michelle. I mean last week I asked if I could get a blow job. You know those knives she’s always sharpening?  Well let’s just say I barely avoided being John Bobbitt-ed.

It will not be easy.  There are hard questions to answer.  I am not trying to suggest that there are not going to be difficult transitions that we all have to make. And by all I mean other people. 

So, thank you.  And may God bless all of you, and your countries.  And thank you, Alaska, for your wonderful hospitality.  Thank you.

Hey is there any chance I can stay?  I don’t want to go back to the White House.

What the – how did Michelle get in here?  Look out she’s got a knife!

[Sounds of screaming and commotion.]



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