Congress today authorized the selling of The State of Maryland to a private hobbyist for $13 million dollars.

“Frankly, we need the money” declared House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.  “I was rather surprised we didn’t get more but I guess with the economy the way it is prices are depressed. We originally asked for 2 billion and a couple Wendy’s franchises.”

With record deficits a bipartison commission was founded to explore ways to bring money into the treasury. After selling all male citizens between 21 and 28 was rejected as potentially unconstitutional the commission hit upon the idea of selling a State. When a study showed that Maryland would be the only state that would not be missed (small, swampy, humid) Congress immediately opened bidding and sold it to Frank Lonard from King of Prussia, Pennysylvania.

Lonard, 37, was estatic.  “I’ve always wanted to own a State. This will be an excellent addition to my collection of baseball cards, Pamela Anderson posters, Star Trek memorabilia and Pepsi bottles.  Although I would have preferred another, more valuable state like New Jersey or North Dakota,  Maryland will do.”  Lonard beat out a retiree from Vermont and Mrs. Paulson’s 8th grade english class from Milan, New York for the prize.

As to what his plans are for Maryland Lonard said  “Everybody is always complaining that owners aren’t picking up after their pets. People are tired of stepping in dog crap.  I run a dog walking business and I plan to turn the entire state into one dog walking preserve where pets can do their thing.  This will leave the other States much cleaner and people will no longer have to worry about where they are stepping.”

Reaction from Maryland residents was positive.  “As long as I can get ESPN I don’t care who owns us” was the reaction of one Baltimore resident.

Maryland’s Governor Martin O’Malley though was less than enthusiastic and ironically uttered “Crap!’ when informed of the sale.

After background and credit checks are performed on Lonard Congress expects the sale to be finalized by the end of the week.  “Just think” says Pelosi, “If we can get 13 million for Maryland we should be able to get twice as much for Massachusetts.”

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Today the tiny seaside community of Paseo Del Mar in Los Angeles was horrified to learn that a bear, 2 wolves, a chipmunk and Richard Simmons in a brazen act of home invasion broke into a residence, ate the vegetarian occupants and then raided the stylish tourquise refrigerator drinking all the beer and wine as well as sampling several packages of yogurt before leaving in disgust upon finding no television in the house.

 “We’re seeing more and more of this” says Dr. Ralph Gleason, Professor of Wildlife Studies at USC. “As the natural habitat of wild animals is encroached upon they come into closer contact with humans in their search for food.  Bipedals will simply have to stop being  so arrogant.  We do not own this Earth and must share it with other animals.”

As to why vegetarians were targeted Dr. Gleason responds “It was probably just a tragic coincidence.  I’m sure the animals did not realize they were eating nonmeat eaters who posed no threat to them.”  He further speculated on why bears, wolves and chipmunks would be traveling in a pack together.  “Normally the chipmunk would be eaten by the wolves who in turn would be eaten by the bear.  Perhaps they have learned to put aside their differences and work together for a common goal.  If only humans would learn to do this.”  Commenting on the presence of Richard Simmons in the pack he said “That does seem odd” before pointing out precedents such as in 2005 when Alec Baldwin roamed Long Island with a pack of ferrits.

Appearing that night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, the bear involved in the home invasion said “We only eat vegetarians now.  They taste better than meat eaters – not nearly as greasy.  Besides you have to love the irony.  Usually as we are eating them they will say ‘oh I get it.  Good one!’ or something like that.”

The bear was asked about Richard Simmons.  “He’s been following me around for months now.  He thinks I’m fat so after I eat he makes me do calisthenics.  He’s starting to freak me out.  I’d eat him but who knows where he’s been if you know what I mean.”

When asked how humans can avoid being eaten by bears he replied “Eat meat” to cheers and laughter from the audience.

As to what is next for the bear, “I’ll probably just roam through California breaking into homes, eating people and watching television.  I’m a big fan of ‘Lost’ you know.  But if I had my choice, what I really want to do is direct.”

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Touch it honey!

Manhattan’s infamous flasher was finally caught today.  For the past few weeks citizens have been terrorized by an ugly man in dark glasses and bandages who flashed himself at local fast food restaurants.

“I was ordering a cheeseburger when a man approached me” said the first victim.  “He was wearing a trenchcoat and his head was covered in bandages.  I thought maybe he was just too ugly to show his face.  And being a big Neil Young fan I was very excited to meet him.  I was going to ask for an autograph when he opened up his coat and said ‘Do you like?’   I screamed and ordered a cheeseburger.”

Police interviewed eyewitnesses and immediately put out an all points bulletin for “a man in bandages who is too ugly to show his face.  Might be Neil Young.”

The next day at another fast food restaurant the flasher struck again.  “He  opened up his trenchcoat and I saw nothing.  The guy was invisible except for a sock which he had around his midsection.  He asked me if I liked to ‘play with sock puppets.’   I screamed and ordered a cheeseburger.”

Police put all fast food restaurants under surveillance in hopes of catching the flasher.   Extra special sauce was ordered to disable the culprit.  “We knew he was exposing himself and that he was very ugly so we contacted the Canadian Embassy and told them we were looking for Neil Young” according to Police Chief Ray Kelly.

The dragnet at first yielded nothing but false alarms.  “We grabbed an ugly man we thought might be him. Turns out it was that guy from Anthrax. We apologized for tackling him and  gave him a cheeseburger. Then we grabbed a guy in bandages and threw special sauce on him until he begged for mercy.  But it wasn’t Neil Young either.”

Finally as police were ready to call it a night the flasher showed up. “He fit the description and had bandages all over his face.  He tried to escape but a detective grabbed him by his sock puppet and held him down until we were able to handcuff him.  We brought him to the precinct and threw him in a cell.  He kept insisting he was an invisible mad scientist and not Neil Young but we were prepared.  We had David Crosby identify him and then we gave him a cheeseburger.”

The DA plans to charge the suspect with multiple counts of flashing, sock puppetry from a private member and public ugliness.  Neil Young released a statement saying “The man in custody is not me.  Have you checked Stephen Still’s whereabouts?”

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With Congress’ mandated switch to digital television weeks away attention has shifted to those most vulnerable to losing their television signal – the millions of cats and dogs who, lacking opposable thumbs, will not be able to set up converter boxes.

“S”, a short haired calico voices complaints that are typical of many cats.  “I had the converter box delivered and now what?  I’ve been sitting here staring at it for hours.  It’s driving me crazy.  I can’t lick myself.  I can’t sit on the window sill. I mean, all I want to do is watch ‘Gossip Girls.’ “

For dogs the problems are similar.  “Okay, I got the instructions but I can’t read.  Now what?  That’s so typical of humans.  No consideration for those of us who don’t walk on two legs.  The game’s about to start and I got friends coming over.  I mean, whose crotch do I have to sniff to get something done” says one dog. Many sports loving dogs have resorted to pressing their noses up against the windows of the ESPN Zone in midtown hoping to catch the latest scores.

A waiter at the ESPN Zone says that he first noticed the dogs hanging out a couple weeks ago.  “They come right up to the window and peer in.  Not only does that freak out the customers but then we have to clean the windows.  We’ve had packs of dogs rush in when the door is opened and try to get a seat at the bar closest to the TVs.  This is dangerous because dogs aren’t good on bar stools.  They keep sliding off.  Then to top it off when I ask for I.D. they bite me.  It’s like they’re college students or something. I tell you this digital conversion is not worth the trouble.”

Responding to complaints the House has passed a bill mandating that all digital converter boxes must be accessible to those without opposable thumbs and be bacon-flavored.  This bill was rejected by the Senate  which has an accessible converter box bill of its own stating that all boxes must be made out of giant balls of yarn.  A special committee has been formed to iron out the differences between the two bills.

Not waiting for congressional action, thousands of dogs have scheduled a protest march on Washington for the 29th.  The march, called the “Million Paw March” will demand instructions be written in dog language.

Police say they are ready for trouble.  “We have pepper spray to disable them and if that doesn’t work bacon to distract them” says Metropolitan Police Chief Cathy Lanier.

Cats have planned their own protest, “Night of 1000 scratches” set for a week later.

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What’s up Doc?

Bugs Bunny, popular Warner Brothers cartoon character of the ’40s and ’50s has died.  He was 92.  Born Yankel Mordecai Bunnystein in Manhattan’s lower east side to Hungarian immigrants, Bugs got his start in the 2nd Avenue Yiddish Theatre.  After building a local following with his wisecracking persona and trademark line of  “Oy ve, what’s up with the meshugana doc?” Bunny moved to Hollywood at the outbreak of World War II.

“Bugs was very ambitious.  Many of Tinseltown’s top acts had been drafted or gone into the service so he saw this as his opportunity to fill the void”  declares  George Shotton, author of “The Lost Souls: Hollywood’s Warner Brothers Cartoon Characters and the Struggle for Assimulation”.

Shortly after arriving in Hollywood and signing a contract at Warner Brothers, Bug’s trademark line was shortened to the now recognizable “What’s up Doc?”.  “The story behind that was Jack Warner was walking through the set one day and heard Bugs.  Concerned that his new talent would be perceived as too Jewish, Warner had him shorten the line.  Warner also had Yankel change his name to Bugs Bunny and enter the Episcopal Church.  A lot of people in New York never forgave him for that.  They felt that he ‘gentiled up’ for the sake of his career.”

This was unfair claims Shotton.  “Bugs made sure that many of the people he worked with in theatre were signed by Warner and given careers in Hollywood. He used to joke that they were his ‘jew crew’.  He even got work for Pat Sheridan, aka Yosemite Sam, the lone irish member from New York.   He was very loyal to them and in fact was the only one who stood by Porky Pig during Pig’s rape trial in the late ’50s.  When Porky committed suicide in prison it was Bugs who asked for the body and paid the funeral costs.”

While this was going on Bug’s career blossomed.  Bunny became the top grossing artist at Warner and was soon seen about town dating Rita Hayworth.  He also was active politically and campaigned for Adlai Stevenson when Stevenson ran for President.

With the advent of the 1960s times and tastes changed.  Bugs found himself without a contract and out of work.  He tried his hand at TV, hosting his own talk show for several years. After initial success ratings for his show declined.  Shotton states that it was in part because Bugs didn’t understand the counterculture movement and the changes that were happening in the world.  “Bugs said he found it difficult to bring young guests onto his show as he just did not know what to say to the rock and roll crowd.”  The end of his show came after the infamous appearance by John and Yoko where an impatient Bunny threw his ash tray at the duo and stormed off the set when Yoko asked him to plant an acorn for peace.

He retired after that and from then on only made a few appearances on the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon, preferring to devote his energies to playing golf and rooting for the Dodgers.  Despite his retirement Bunny found himself  in the news again after suing several hip hop artists for copyright infringement when they started using the phrase “What’s up motherf*&#$*#%”.  He lost that case and spent his final years as a recluse, staying in his  mansion and cursing at tour buses.

Funeral plans are as yet unknown.

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