Vegetarians Eaten by Animals!

A carnivorous black bearToday the tiny seaside community of Paseo Del Mar in Los Angeles was horrified to learn that a bear, 2 wolves, a chipmunk and Richard Simmons in a brazen act of home invasion broke into a residence, ate the vegetarian occupants and then raided the stylish tourquise refrigerator drinking all the beer and wine as well as sampling several packages of yogurt before leaving in disgust upon finding no television in the house.

 “We’re seeing more and more of this” says Dr. Ralph Gleason, Professor of Wildlife Studies at USC. “As the natural habitat of wild animals is encroached upon they come into closer contact with humans in their search for food.  Bipedals will simply have to stop being  so arrogant.  We do not own this Earth and must share it with other animals.”

As to why vegetarians were targeted Dr. Gleason responds “It was probably just a tragic coincidence.  I’m sure the animals did not realize they were eating nonmeat eaters who posed no threat to them.”  He further speculated on why bears, wolves and chipmunks would be traveling in a pack together.  “Normally the chipmunk would be eaten by the wolves who in turn would be eaten by the bear.  Perhaps they have learned to put aside their differences and work together for a common goal.  If only humans would learn to do this.”  Commenting on the presence of Richard Simmons in the pack he said “That does seem odd” before pointing out precedents such as in 2005 when Alec Baldwin roamed Long Island with a pack of ferrits.

Appearing that night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, the bear involved in the home invasion said “We only eat vegetarians now.  They taste better than meat eaters – not nearly as greasy.  Besides you have to love the irony.  Usually as we are eating them they will say ‘oh I get it.  Good one!’ or something like that.”

The bear was asked about Richard Simmons.  “He’s been following me around for months now.  He thinks I’m fat so after I eat he makes me do calisthenics.  He’s starting to freak me out.  I’d eat him but who knows where he’s been if you know what I mean.”

When asked how humans can avoid being eaten by bears he replied “Eat meat” to cheers and laughter from the audience.

As to what is next for the bear, “I’ll probably just roam through California breaking into homes, eating people and watching television.  I’m a big fan of ‘Lost’ you know.  But if I had my choice, what I really want to do is direct.”


3 Responses

  1. I am shocked and dismayed to learn of this brutal killing. What is our government going to do about this? I demand justice for my vegetarian brethren (God rest their souls) and prosecution of these wicked animals to the fullest extent of the law. FRY THEIR MEATEATING ASSES!

    Don’t worry ma’am. I hear the CIA will capture and waterboard the animals until a confession is obtained.

  2. PS: Will the turquoise refrigerator be up for auction at the estate sale?

    The turqoise refrigerator is currently being held by the LAPD as evidence but as soon as possible they intend to stock it with beer, er, put it up for sale on EBAY.

  3. It’s a good stage!

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