Maryland Sold!

Maryland - small, swampy and humidCongress today authorized the selling of The State of Maryland to a private hobbyist for $13 million dollars.

“Frankly, we need the money” declared House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.  “I was rather surprised we didn’t get more but I guess with the economy the way it is prices are depressed. We originally asked for 2 billion and a couple Wendy’s franchises.”

With record deficits a bipartison commission was founded to explore ways to bring money into the treasury. After selling all male citizens between 21 and 28 was rejected as potentially unconstitutional the commission hit upon the idea of selling a State. When a study showed that Maryland would be the only state that would not be missed (small, swampy, humid) Congress immediately opened bidding and sold it to Frank Lonard from King of Prussia, Pennysylvania.

Lonard, 37, was estatic.  “I’ve always wanted to own a State. This will be an excellent addition to my collection of baseball cards, Pamela Anderson posters, Star Trek memorabilia and Pepsi bottles.  Although I would have preferred another, more valuable state like New Jersey or North Dakota,  Maryland will do.”  Lonard beat out a retiree from Vermont and Mrs. Paulson’s 8th grade english class from Milan, New York for the prize.

As to what his plans are for Maryland Lonard said  “Everybody is always complaining that owners aren’t picking up after their pets. People are tired of stepping in dog crap.  I run a dog walking business and I plan to turn the entire state into one dog walking preserve where pets can do their thing.  This will leave the other States much cleaner and people will no longer have to worry about where they are stepping.”

Reaction from Maryland residents was positive.  “As long as I can get ESPN I don’t care who owns us” was the reaction of one Baltimore resident.

Maryland’s Governor Martin O’Malley though was less than enthusiastic and ironically uttered “Crap!’ when informed of the sale.

After background and credit checks are performed on Lonard Congress expects the sale to be finalized by the end of the week.  “Just think” says Pelosi, “If we can get 13 million for Maryland we should be able to get twice as much for Massachusetts.”


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