In an effort to make itself more user-friendly, the Department of Homeland Security has for the first time since its inception announced changes to the Terror-Alert Chart. Gone are the old color coordinated “low” to “severe” levels.  In their place are newer,  friendlier levels that according to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano will “Keep America safe while also keeping us relaxed.”

Replacing “Low” on the bottom of the chart will be “Relax and Watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer:  Gosh That Willow is Pretty.”  This level will denote no security threats to the United States.  “In this level, citizens should be at their most relaxed.  They can go about their normal lives as insular Americans with no concern about the outside world.  They should pay their taxes and let the Government monitor their internet usage” says Napolitano.

Replacing “Guarded” will be “Your Taxi Driver is Probably a Terrorist But You Don’t Want to Walk Do You?” This level means that citizens should embrace their free floating anxiety.  “That nagging nameless fear that  keeps you up at night and prevents you from embracing your loved ones?  Well, it’s real” according to Napolitano.  “Dark forces are combining against you and all your plans for the future are naught.”

“Elevated” will give way to “Everybody Hates You.  You Are an Arrogant American.”   At this level people should take antidepressants, watch Oprah or The View and perhaps try a macrobiotic diet.  “This will probably be the default daily life of Americans from now on.  Face it.  We are an arrogant people and must humble ourselves before the world.  If we do this they will like us and not try to attack us.”

The “High” level will now be known as “Veterans of Foreign Wars are Combining to Destroy the Government and My Job.”  When the DHS announces that this level is active Americans should support massive Federal spending and intervention into daily life.  “At this level we in the Government will feel justified in arresting all suspicious persons and suspending Habeaus Corpus.  First to be arrested will be people with blonde hair and blue eyes, or those who voted against the current administration.  We will have no choice since this level denotes that an active attack against the progressive values of the United States is under way.”

And finally, “Severe” will be replaced by “Aprende Farsi?”  If this level should ever be activated Americans should bow to the East and  pray to their new masters.  “There are many benefits to living under the rule of the Religion of Peace.  Muslims have made many historic contributions to society.  Granted, most of them were 1200 years ago but that is no reason to fear the new order.  Americans will notice little change in life except that women must be registered at the local mosque, will be unable to drive, must have their face covered and can only go outside in company with their husband” Napolitano said as she was whipped by local Imans.  When asked the purpose of the whipping she replied “I’m just practicing.  You never know when that level will be activated and I want to be prepared.”

The new levels will take effect after the Memorial Day Holiday.  As for the delay Napolitano answered “I should be out of the hospital by then and want to personally oversee the change.  God, who knew being whipped could cause such physical harm!”

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