It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  It had Jorge Posada.  It had Carl Pavano.  And, as all civilized people (aka Yankee fans) know, Carl Pavano is the face of evil. Today your humble correspondent attended my first Yankee game at The House that the Taxpayers of New York Payed For.

What can one say about the New Yankee Stadium?  The food selection in the bleachers was certainly better.  Instead of the usual burnt sausages and burnt hot dogs we could actually choose pizza, heros (subs to you upstaters), and other prewarmed culinary treats.  And, for the first time in 10 years, beer was available in the bleachers. Beer was 10 dollars.  I refused to pay this price.

I bought two.

Okay, I bought four.  But I didn’t enjoy it.  It was the principle of the matter.

My seat was in Section 203 Row 1 Seat 11 (Section 39 in the old stadium).  Despite being in the first row of the bleachers, I was not to my disappointment in the first row.  For you see, the designers of the House That the Taxpayers of New York Payed For decided to put box seats in front of the bleachers. On the bright side, this did make it easier to heckle box seat holders.  I only had to lean forward.  And, potentially, the opportunity to vomit on box seat holders does exist.  I did not do so at this game, but vomiting on box seat holders is much like the Constitution of the United States:  often ignored but  potentially a powerful force for freedom.

As long as I’m bitching, in the old stadium the bleachers were segregated from the rest of the stadium.  We had our own entrance and the rest of the stadium could not access the bleachers.  In the new stadium anyone sitting anywhere can walk through the bleachers.  Bleachers are sacred territory and they are now being desecrated by box seat holders.  Now I know how Southerners felt during the War of Northern Aggression when Yankees invaded the sacred soil of the South.

Before the game I bought a program for $10.  The man who was selling programs was wearing a ski mask and had a gun.  It turns out it was Carl Pavano.   I guess the man just enjoys stealing from Yankee fans.

Anyway, on to the game.  Carl “Ow…… my ass” Pavano started for the Cleveland Native Americans against A.J. “I have to follow Chien-Ming Wang?  Jesus!’ Burnett.  Pavano, proving that God has a sense of humor, actually pitched decently for the Native Americans, not giving up a hit until the 4th inning.  Fortunately God is stronger than Satan (except in Boston) and Pavano was gone by the 6th. With the score Cleveland 3 and the Yankees 2 Jorge “I’m an angry spanish  man, gringo” Posada pinch hit for Jose “also an angry spanish man, gringo” Molina and hit a 2 run home run to put the Yankees permanently ahead.  Granted the home run was controversial and merited instant replay but fortunately the umps decided in the Yankees favor.  As icing on the cake, Cody, “This will be my only hit all year” Ransom hit a seeing eye double that cleared the bases.  Final score:  Yankees 7 Native Americans 3.

Best heckle of the night:  I tried, I did.  My heckle of Native American right fielder Ryan Garko, “Hey Garko, I’m sure your parents made many sacrifices for you and everything you are now is a result of their love” just didn’t seem to cut it.  I’ll try better in the future.

After the game as I was in the men’s room washing my hands Carl Pavano stole my soap.  I asked him why?  “I can’t help it.  I just  enjoy stealing from Yankee fans.”  Like I said.  Carl Pavano is the Antichrist.

Mailbag:

Andrejs P. of Poughkeespie NY writes, “I run a small landscaping business.  Recently at a millionaire client’s house I used their bathroom for a no. 2 and didn’t flush the toilet afterwards.  Should I feel guilty?” Definately not Andrejs P.  Good work young man.

Daniel B. of Mt. Holly NJ writes, “Recently while spinning up my FTL drive for a cruise around the galaxy I was struck by the smallness of Earth from space.  We are all made from the same star dust.  Surely all humans can work together in peace and harmony.  What say you to that?”   My response:  F—ing liberals!

Jimmy the Hat from beyond time and space writes, “I like to keep the skulls of ex lovers in my refrigerator.  Is this wrong?”  Good question Jimmy.  The answer is no.  Keeping skulls in one’s refrigator is a time-honored American tradition.  My only concern is are the skulls soaked in saline?  If not they will decompose. I suggest getting a giant  pickle jar (you can’t buy them in New York….go south to Maryland) and buy one.  The skull will fit in the saline-filled jar and give many moments of  pleasure without having to worry about decomposition.

So my record stands at 1 -0.  My next game would have been April 30th but since I will be engaged in a rent-paying activity will be unable to attend the game.   My next game is Monday May 4th against the dreaded Red Sox.  Go Yankees!

(288)