Touch it honey!

Manhattan’s infamous flasher was finally caught today.  For the past few weeks citizens have been terrorized by an ugly man in dark glasses and bandages who flashed himself at local fast food restaurants.

“I was ordering a cheeseburger when a man approached me” said the first victim.  “He was wearing a trenchcoat and his head was covered in bandages.  I thought maybe he was just too ugly to show his face.  And being a big Neil Young fan I was very excited to meet him.  I was going to ask for an autograph when he opened up his coat and said ‘Do you like?’   I screamed and ordered a cheeseburger.”

Police interviewed eyewitnesses and immediately put out an all points bulletin for “a man in bandages who is too ugly to show his face.  Might be Neil Young.”

The next day at another fast food restaurant the flasher struck again.  “He  opened up his trenchcoat and I saw nothing.  The guy was invisible except for a sock which he had around his midsection.  He asked me if I liked to ‘play with sock puppets.’   I screamed and ordered a cheeseburger.”

Police put all fast food restaurants under surveillance in hopes of catching the flasher.   Extra special sauce was ordered to disable the culprit.  “We knew he was exposing himself and that he was very ugly so we contacted the Canadian Embassy and told them we were looking for Neil Young” according to Police Chief Ray Kelly.

The dragnet at first yielded nothing but false alarms.  “We grabbed an ugly man we thought might be him. Turns out it was that guy from Anthrax. We apologized for tackling him and  gave him a cheeseburger. Then we grabbed a guy in bandages and threw special sauce on him until he begged for mercy.  But it wasn’t Neil Young either.”

Finally as police were ready to call it a night the flasher showed up. “He fit the description and had bandages all over his face.  He tried to escape but a detective grabbed him by his sock puppet and held him down until we were able to handcuff him.  We brought him to the precinct and threw him in a cell.  He kept insisting he was an invisible mad scientist and not Neil Young but we were prepared.  We had David Crosby identify him and then we gave him a cheeseburger.”

The DA plans to charge the suspect with multiple counts of flashing, sock puppetry from a private member and public ugliness.  Neil Young released a statement saying “The man in custody is not me.  Have you checked Stephen Still’s whereabouts?”

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