With Congress’ mandated switch to digital television weeks away attention has shifted to those most vulnerable to losing their television signal – the millions of cats and dogs who, lacking opposable thumbs, will not be able to set up converter boxes.

“S”, a short haired calico voices complaints that are typical of many cats.  “I had the converter box delivered and now what?  I’ve been sitting here staring at it for hours.  It’s driving me crazy.  I can’t lick myself.  I can’t sit on the window sill. I mean, all I want to do is watch ‘Gossip Girls.’ “

For dogs the problems are similar.  “Okay, I got the instructions but I can’t read.  Now what?  That’s so typical of humans.  No consideration for those of us who don’t walk on two legs.  The game’s about to start and I got friends coming over.  I mean, whose crotch do I have to sniff to get something done” says one dog. Many sports loving dogs have resorted to pressing their noses up against the windows of the ESPN Zone in midtown hoping to catch the latest scores.

A waiter at the ESPN Zone says that he first noticed the dogs hanging out a couple weeks ago.  “They come right up to the window and peer in.  Not only does that freak out the customers but then we have to clean the windows.  We’ve had packs of dogs rush in when the door is opened and try to get a seat at the bar closest to the TVs.  This is dangerous because dogs aren’t good on bar stools.  They keep sliding off.  Then to top it off when I ask for I.D. they bite me.  It’s like they’re college students or something. I tell you this digital conversion is not worth the trouble.”

Responding to complaints the House has passed a bill mandating that all digital converter boxes must be accessible to those without opposable thumbs and be bacon-flavored.  This bill was rejected by the Senate  which has an accessible converter box bill of its own stating that all boxes must be made out of giant balls of yarn.  A special committee has been formed to iron out the differences between the two bills.

Not waiting for congressional action, thousands of dogs have scheduled a protest march on Washington for the 29th.  The march, called the “Million Paw March” will demand instructions be written in dog language.

Police say they are ready for trouble.  “We have pepper spray to disable them and if that doesn’t work bacon to distract them” says Metropolitan Police Chief Cathy Lanier.

Cats have planned their own protest, “Night of 1000 scratches” set for a week later.

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