The anabolic steroid community was rocked today when it was learned that a popular steroid had trace amounts of Alex Rodriguez in his system.

The headquarters of the Anabolic Steroid League on Park Avenue released a statement that said in part, “We are of course deeply shocked and saddened that one of our steroids has tested positive.   The steroid in question has been suspended for 50 days.  We pledge to work with authorities to clean up the steroid community so that this does not happen again.”

“We realize that many of our fans are disillusioned by the repeated drug scandals in our industry.  While we regret the circumstances we take the opportunity to point out that our drug testing policy is the most rigorous in the nation.”

When informed of his 50-day suspension, the steroid in question, commonly known as “gonadal testicle extract 57” asked his fans to forgive him.

“I will serve out my suspension.  I am sorry for having anything to do with baseball as I now realize that it taints my accomplishments forever.”

However, there are signs of discontent with other steroids.  One steroid who spoke on condition of anonymity said “We are all on baseball.  I’m just trying to get an edge.  I have to compete with younger steroids out there.”

Another steroid claimed “Most of us are on baseball.  They (the Steroid League) does not want to admit the obvious.  And what’s wrong with baseball?  It’s made me a better steroid.  The fans like the result.”

Still a third had this to say:  “If I wasn’t doing baseball I’d be doing cycling.  And who the hell wants to go to France?  They got Frenchmen there!”

Today’s development is only the latest scandal involving the use of performance enhancing drugs.  The 2008 Spelling Bee Champion Mayee Zhu had her award taken away from her when it was revealed that she was Chinese.  “Everyone knows the Chinese are smarter.  This gave her an unfair advantage.”

The 2008 Chess Championship was rocked when the challenger, Vladimir Kramnik of Russia tested positive for Vladimir Putin.  “The use of Putin could potentially frighten an opponent as they would most likely be shot if they won.”

Congress will investigate the use of performance enhancing drugs this fall and has already subpoenaed Britney Spears and will question her about her use of performance enhancing lip synching.

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Along 23rd Street at night

Lights from the construction site

35 dollar shirts for 5 dollars

nothing says white trash like a mullet

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A black bear currently residing in Montana is suing The Nature Channel for defamation of character.

“They shot over 200 hours of me for their damn documentary and what do they show?  Just a couple shots of me in a stream tearing fish to shreds and eating them.  Those shots were taken way out of context.  I have excellent relationships with many fish.”

“When I agreed let them film me it was because I thought they were going to show a balanced, nuanced depiction of a typical black bear in the wilderness.  Instead they cherry picked the footage to cater to the worst stereotypes humans have of us bears of color.”

“I happen to be very literate and a lover of peace.  Did they show me wearing my glasses when I was sitting in my favorite arm chair, sipping a glass of wine by the fire and reading a book of Robert Frost poems?  No.  Did they show me protesting at an antiwar rally?  I was quite proud of the sign I was holding, ‘Bearing all for Peace’.   No.  Did they show at a minor league baseball game (I’m a mascot) entertaining the children?  No.”

He took off his glasses and placed them on the table.

“I mean, this really burns me up.  Let me show you what I’m talking about.”

The bear turned on his TV and put in the DVD of the nature documentary he starred in.

“Look at this?  See?  It looks like I’m in a stream eating fish.  Those are FAKE fish.  The producer pulled me aside before the shot and said ‘Look we need some shots of you tearing fish apart with your teeth……for ratings you know.’  What was i to say?  I’m not a professional.  Now all my fish friends have seen this and they aren’t talking to me.”

Beginning to pace around his room, he warmed up to his subject.

“Look at this scene.  It shows me entering a campsite and trying to open a car, scaring the children inside.  Those were the producer’s kids in the car. He made me do it – said it was in the contract.  He called it ‘his nature documentary money shot’ whatever that means.  I LOVE kids and would never scare any of them.  I have good relations with humans.  I have human neighbors.  They don’t bother me and I don’t bother them.  Now they are trying to have me run out of the neighborhood.”

He then returned to his seat and put his head in his paws.

“I don’t know what to do.  Now fellow bears are snubbing me.  They say I’ve betrayed them.”

A spokesman for the Nature Channel released a statement saying “The bear in question signed a contract and was aware of the theme of the show.  He has no case and if he persists in this frivolous lawsuit we will have no choice but to show the outtakes of him shitting in the woods.”

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Today a straight razor admitted that he is bi-curious.

“I don’t know how long I’ve had these feelings” he admitted.  “All I know is I can no longer in good faith call myself a straight razor.”

In a bizarre and hastily-called press conference the razor went into detail about his life and the many changes he has dealt with.  For years the razor had led a normal existence and every morning would be available to provide a close, smooth shave.  Then, last Thursday the straight razor went missing.  Rumors abounded that perhaps he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail or driving along the coast or even in South America having a steamy affair with an Argentinian woman.  But the truth was something no one had ever expected.  For the past 5 days the razor had been living in a time share on Fire Island with a Filipino  named “Jesse” and his 2 cats.

“I have known Jesse for a couple years. We used to communicate through email and one thing lead to another.  He invited me out to the Island.   I was deathly afraid of what might happen but I was drawn to him.”

The razor went on to describe 4 “blissful” days reading John Cheever novels, watching Tom Cruise movies and talking for what “seemed like forever.”

“We talked about everything.  Politics, religion.  Yes, even sex.  I had never opened up to another person like this.  When he touched my satin handle I felt all inhibitions leave me.  I felt free for the first time in my life.”

The razor went on to stress that nothing happened physically.

“There were opportunities.  We hiked in the woods.  We went antiquing.  We showered together and he dried me off so that I would not rust.  But I wanted to take things slow.”

The razor went on to apologize to his friends, family and anyone who had used him to shave their face.

“I realize that people may feel that I was not honest with them.  I understand their concerns and ask forgiveness.”

The razor then closed by saying that he will be going back out to the Island “as soon as possible to spend more time with Jesse and possibly bump into George Takei.  Who knows?”  

The previous owner of the razor, when informed of today’s events told reporters, “Yeah…..I think I’m going to grow a beard.”

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Apple, following up on the success of its iPhone has introduced the iCondom.  In a heavily-attended press conference, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the latest revolutionary product. Holding the iCondom in his hand, Jobs told assembled reporters that the “iCondom will make life dramatically simpler and more enjoyable for people around the world.”

“Everyone wants to avoid communicable diseases.  Everyone wants the convenience of a cell phone that will enable them to stay in touch with friends and surf the internet.  Well, now we have combined these two.  Before, if one wanted ‘hands-free’ communication one had to wear a bluetooth earpiece.  Now with the iCondom hands-free communication takes on a new form.””

Jobs talked about the many features of the iCondom.

“If you want to read a movie review, the iCondom has an app for that.  If you want to find a Chinese restaurant there is an app for that.  If you want to manage your finances, we have an app for that. If you want to work out around the house, we have an app for that.  And, if you want to have sex, the iCondom even has an app for that.  Not only does the iCondom protect against sexually transmitted disease, but you can Twitter on it!”

As photographers snapped pictures of the iCondom, Jobs demonstrated how it worked by placing it on his penis and then making a call.

“Hello?  This is Steve Jobs and I am talking through my penis.”

Jobs then invited some of the female reporters up to the podium to use the iCondom.  The first reporter used the iCondom to call her parents.

“Mom,  dad.  Guess what? I’m looking at Steve Jobs’ penis and it’s fantastic!”

The iCondom comes in many different sizes, colors and flavors.   There will also be a glow-in-the-dark iCondom which is due out in the Fall.

While reviews of the iCondom have for the most part been favorable, there has been mention of several bugs.  One beta tester complained that while wearing the iCondom his penis would break off in the middle of calls.  Another said that iCondom coverage was not available in many areas.  Still another said that it left him with a rash.  Women complained that they were not able to use the iCondom.  Jobs acknowledged all these bugs and said his development team is currently working on the iVagina, which should be ready by next year.  Reviewers were also taken aback by the high price of the iCondom ($900) and the fact that people who buy the iCondom will have to cancel their current wireless contracts.

Despite these bugs retailers are expecting the iCondom to be a big seller.

“We already have back orders for a month and it hasn’t even gone on sale yet”  said one retailer.  “With the economy the way it is we are looking for anything that’ll improve business and I think the iCondom will help us to keep it up.”

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