Arriving at Yankee Stadium today after working my usual night shift I grabbed a program and took my seat behind the Serengeti grass in the front row of the bleachers.  Three things immediately crossed my mind.  1.  Joba Chamberlain has never won a game in the new Yankee Stadium.  2.  The Yankees were facing Brett Cecil who they have never seen before and 3. Alex Rodriguez was resting his surgically repaired hip leaving Cody Ransom to start at 3rd.  Surely these three events won’t come back to bite the Yankees in the ass will it?  Surely it won’t?

But on to the game.  The Yankees, as all teams have done this weekend wore red caps for the July 4th weekend.  No truth to the rumor that all teams will wear caps that say “We Surrender!” on Bastille day.

Joba  got through the first two innings giving up only 1 hit.  Perhaps he will win his first game at the new stadium?  By the bottom of the 2nd the Yankees had staked Joba to a 4-0 lead courtesy of a Lyle Overbay error, a Nick Swisher single and a Jorge Posada single.

But in the 3rd Chamberlain remembered he was pitching at home, giving up 3 runs on 3 hits including a home run by Adam Lind to deep right.  4-3 Yankees after 3.

The wheels came off in the top of the 4th when  Cody Ransom (this won’t bite the Yanks on the ass, giving AROD a day off will it?) committed an error leading to 5 runs including another home run into the jet stream by Aaron Hill.  Joba was mercifully lifted with 2 outs in the inning giving way to Jonathan Albaladejo.  8-4 Blue Jays (Canada sucks) after 4 innings.

But the Yankees, representing truth and justice and the American Way would not be kept down.  With 2 runners on base and Hideki Matsui at the plate I decided it was time for one of my patented heckles.  So I stood up and yelled, “Matsui hit a home run or I’ll bring Curtis LeMay back from the dead to carpet bomb Tokyo!”

Fortunately Matsui heard me hitting a 3 run home run to (where else) the jet stream in deep right field.  8-7 Blue Jays (Oh, and Canada still sucks) after 4.  Curtis LeMay was not needed.  Sorry Curtis.  Go back to Hell.

Meanwhile the game was almost three hours long and had not even reached the 5th inning you know the Irish should stay out of the Sun you know you should not stay in the sun look at you you’re a lobster no wonder you are burned and stop reading Ken Kesey it’s screwing with your narrative stream but in the 5th the Yankees scored 3 more runs courtesy of a Derek Jeter go ahead homer and a Jorge Posada double scoring Melky Cabrera.  10-8 Yankees after 5 innings.  A lead always takes the edge off severe sunburn.

And so that score stayed.  Final:  Yankees 10 Blue Jays (Canada…well, you know by now) 8.  The Yankees have won 3 of the first 4 of this series.  The finale is tomorrow afternoon.

Notes on the game:

Best heckle by a non sunburned adult blogger – a kid sitting a few rows behind me who could not have been more than 10 piped up with a frustrated  “what the fuck?”  during Toronto’s 5 run 4th inning.  Good work young man.

People sitting around me in the bleachers noticed I was keeping score.  This in their eyes made me something of an authority figure and truth oracle.  They kept asking me my opinion on the the game.  Those questions ended when I slit the throat of the man next to me, collecting his blood in my beer glass.  “I need human blood to  prophesy” I said. I was not arrested because, strangely, collecting human blood in beer bottles is not illegal in NYC.

Recommended reading material:  Sometimes a Great Notion by Ken Kesey

Nick Swisher had plenty of female fans in the bleachers.  He took off his hat revealing his Mohawk hair do.  Now what kind of emotionally stunted, immature, loser….what sort of emotionally stunted, immature loser with no future has a Mohawk hair do?

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Hey, bite me.  I have a a Mohawk.”

I would be nice to me L.K. or I’ll tell the FBI about that former teamster leader you have buried in your back yard.   That’s right.  I know he ain’t buried in the end zone of Giant Stadium.

V.P. of Moscow writes “I have high-ranking American guests coming here for a few days  What the hell am I supposed to do with them?”

Hope, V.P.  Hope for the change.  Hope and change.

A.L. of Washington D.C., formerly of Springfield Illinois writes “Meet me at Ford’s Theatre tonight.  The play will be a real blast in the head.  P.S.  Love the Yankees.”  

M.W. of California writes, “I cannot get Yankee games out here.  It’s terrible.  But that’s not my problem.  Lately giant rabbits have been following me around. They are everywhere.  In my house.  In my car.  And they talk to me.  Is this normal?  What should I do?”

Ask the rabbits if they are Yankee fans.  If they are do not worry about it.  If they aren’t you’re probably possessed.

So my record this year at Yankee games stands at 5 -1.

My next Yankee game is Sunday July 19th against the Detroit “RoboCop was a documentary” Tigers.   This is also coincidentally Old Timers Day.  The Yankees usually have a theme each year and this year it is “Yankee Legends; Yankee Felons.” The special guests include Jim “Red light?  What red light?” Leyritz and Mel “I thought 12 years old was the age of consent” Hall.

Go Yankees!

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